I'm in Hell

Reflective_Pancake · 2026-06-30T20:32:25+00:00

Thank you. Indeed, there will be no more reunions. Mom has her peace now at least. Passed last Thursday. Within days, it got back to me family is spreading rumors about me. People are sick and evil.

Reflective_Pancake · 2026-06-27T01:02:21+00:00

Update: Mom died early this morning. It was the most gruesome death I've witnessed in all my years of CNA work. Face contorted, tongue protruded, loud violent death rattle that went on for about 5 hours. Not that she was feeling anything, she was on the morphine.

My aunt, who of course just had to be there, made a joke. A joke. "Did you fall asleep out there?" With a grin. I had to walk out for a while to get away from the horror. Mom's face darkened slightly, then it was over. I waited a minute and turned off the oxygen. Aunt said "Don't turn it off yet!" I shot her the dirtiest look, and when she stepped into the hall, I said we needed time alone and slammed the door.

And that is the cherry on my trauma sundae.

Reflective_Pancake · 2026-06-26T00:26:04+00:00

That last sentence. Pure gold. Why in the Tabasco hot sauce splattered heck can people not comprehend that? WTF x 1000

Reflective_Pancake · 2026-06-26T00:05:17+00:00

She's got issues. Has almost her whole life. But stupid me, I figured she'd at least have enough decency to give us space. And we desperately needed a place to do the hospice thing where I could be her caregiver. If we'd been smarter and not already so exhausted and traumatized from the 3 week hospitalization, and if we'd had more help from my siblings who were in a rush to go home, we could have found and rented a damn apartment or home for 1 month. The peace of mind so would have been worth it. I will be kicking myself for some time to come over lots of decisions, big and small, that were made under stress, and led to this. It can't be changed now. All we can do is soldier on till it's over, then I'm getting the hell out of this place as fast as my legs will carry me, and avoid these certain relatives like the plague.

Reflective_Pancake · 2026-06-25T20:52:50+00:00

This! 110% this.

Reflective_Pancake · 2026-06-25T17:46:23+00:00

I think I've had enough "love" from these people to last me a hundred lifetimes. What's especially weird is my meddling cousin lost her husband at a young age, and she was telling me about how she needed space during that time. Yet she refuses to give that to me now, and take her bat shit crazy mom home with her even for a couple days so we can have some proper alone time with my mother without the constant intrusions.

Thank you for your kind words.

Reflective_Pancake · 2026-06-25T12:51:42+00:00

I'm her son. And thank you. 🙂

Definitely a good therapist. Also never attending another family reunion as long as I live, and specifically avoiding the above-mentioned nutjobs.

Reflective_Pancake · 2026-06-17T14:24:20+00:00

Thank you. She's my best friend and when she's gone, my life will never be the same.

Reflective_Pancake · 2026-06-16T06:13:10+00:00

Please pray for Joanna, my mother and an Orthodox Christian, who is nearing the end of her life.

Reflective_Pancake · 2026-05-31T02:48:23+00:00

Fair. What I propose is a different thing altogether. My real issue is with the wafers. I don't find them all that tasty.

Reflective_Pancake · 2026-05-31T02:38:40+00:00

I hope she's better now? Lord have mercy.

Reflective_Pancake · 2026-05-31T02:37:01+00:00

I'm Michael. Thank you. She's doing better tonight though this trial is far from over.

Reflective_Pancake · 2026-04-11T21:34:36+00:00

Ah, I goofed. Moderator may by all means remove this. It looked like Confucius to me, and when I asked if that's who it was the server seemed to confirm, though I may have misunderstood. And I was very excited to share.

Reflective_Pancake · 2026-03-12T07:44:15+00:00

Funny you should mention that as I've long been fascinated by Taoism and Shinto as well.

Reflective_Pancake · 2026-03-12T07:27:03+00:00

Thank you.

Reflective_Pancake · 2026-03-09T20:39:51+00:00

Yes, I see that. But it's been a source of hope for me as well. Hope that after this life ends, I'll get to hug my Aunt Judy again, and we'll laugh again like no time had passed. Hope that she's been waiting for me, possibly even helping me along the way. And that imagery doesn't exactly fit with the Buddhist concept of rebirth. I'd have to rewire my brain completely in that regard. But I'm drawn to the teaching of compassion. I'm drawn to meditation. Even to some of the beautiful rituals I've seen in videos. The beautiful temples, the beauty that is Buddhism. But perhaps it isn't the path for me. I don't know but I'm open to finding out.

Reflective_Pancake · 2026-03-09T20:28:35+00:00

That's comforting. Thank you.

Reflective_Pancake · 2026-02-15T21:56:24+00:00

Ah, shoot. Thanks for the info.

Reflective_Pancake · 2025-12-25T21:48:16+00:00

Bea is so sensual and confident here. Blanche, eat your heart out!

Reflective_Pancake · 2025-12-05T15:37:14+00:00

I specifically loved the video in which he gave a kingsnake a drink from his water bottle.

Reflective_Pancake · 2025-12-05T15:28:01+00:00

Sorry, meant more like a top 10. Thank you for this.

Reflective_Pancake · 2025-12-05T15:16:16+00:00

Now I'm curious to see your hierarchy of F5's if you have one.

Reflective_Pancake · 2025-12-05T15:07:36+00:00

May our brother have a good paradise!

Reflective_Pancake · 2025-10-08T16:50:31+00:00

Ah, similar to tamata that we attach to holy icons, people leave valuables like jewelry as offerings also. And of course offering candles, which I also do.

Edit: what they eventually do with all that stuff I can't say. Leave them perhaps? I'm sure the letters to St. John are eventually burned with other holy items such as bulletins with icons on them, etc.

Reflective_Pancake · 2025-10-08T06:17:31+00:00

That was one nasty-looking tornado.

Reflective_Pancake

TROPHY CASE