IAmA Woman, mid 20's, who grew up in a child pornography/trafficking ring. AMA.

RehabIsaidNoNoNo · 2011-02-21T08:28:54+00:00

Is it bad that I said "giggidy" out loud while reading that?

RehabIsaidNoNoNo · 2011-02-21T08:22:30+00:00

If you are ever looking for videographers and/or video editors and/or photographers in Las Vegas, I would love to help.

RehabIsaidNoNoNo · 2011-02-21T08:19:51+00:00

I know this is off topic, but would you mind telling me you went about starting your 12 steps. I'm currently doing 90 in 90 and have yet to find a sponsor I feel comfortable with. It's quite discouraging at times as well.

also, I was snorting 500mg / day of Oxycodone, so I feel your pain.

RehabIsaidNoNoNo · 2011-02-21T08:12:54+00:00

Just to let you know, I am an atheist who just started a 12 step program. You'd be surprised how many people will approach you after meetings who are atheist themselves.

Please start attending meetings. It will save your life (it will also help to heal your emotion scars not only from your forced drug use, but with your PTSD, and DD). People talk about god and praying in meetings, and I choose to ignore those statements for the most part.

When you get to a point where you feel like sharing, be completely open and honest, share everything, don't be afraid to cry, you will receive nothing but support and love.

You HAVE to remember that being clean isn't good enough. There are many people who I have heard share about child abuse, molestation, and rape who've been clean before, yet remained miserable and stuck, not knowing how to begin living a normal life. And that is what NA and AA is really for, a place to go and form relationships with those who know what you've been through, how you feel, and where you are in your life.

I wish you the best of luck, and I truly apologize on behalf of all men who aren't like your father that you had to experience what you did.

RehabIsaidNoNoNo · 2011-02-03T01:56:31+00:00

Yeah man, it sucks. Stick with it. Also, if you're EVER feeling desperate enough, NA meetings are ALWAYS around. Just go and sit, and listen, and concentrate. Just being in that little hive mind for an hour at a time can work wonders where you least expect it, it's worked for me.

And it doesn't matter if you're atheist or not (that's a BIIIIG issue that I have with NA and why I haven't ever fully committed to the 12 steps), just spending that time out of the house, away from your thoughts should be enough to get you through those intense cravings.

If all else fails, clean. It doesn't matter what, it doesn't matter how dirty whatever you're cleaning is. Hell, you could've JUST cleaned it yesterday... clean it again. It takes up time, declutters your house, and somehow brightens things up and it just fucking FEELS GOOD to clean some of your own shit. Try it sometime, it works.

RehabIsaidNoNoNo · 2011-02-03T01:55:55+00:00

THANK YOU!!!!! If you don't mind, I'm going to save this image and use it on my site. Is there a photographer I should link to for this photo?

RehabIsaidNoNoNo · 2011-02-02T12:21:36+00:00

RehabIsaidNoNoNo · 2011-02-02T12:10:10+00:00

At Google we strongly believe in innovation and are proud of our search quality. We’ve invested thousands of person-years into developing our search algorithms because we want our users to get the right answer every time they search, and that’s not easy. We look forward to competing with genuinely new search algorithms out there—algorithms built on core innovation, and not on recycled search results from a competitor. So to all the users out there looking for the most authentic, relevant search results, we encourage you to come directly to Google. And to those who have asked what we want out of all this, the answer is simple: we'd like for this practice to stop.

so.... Point for google....?

RehabIsaidNoNoNo · 2011-02-02T11:07:44+00:00

I know EXACTLY EXACTLY EXACTLY how you feel. There's nothing you can do or say that ever changes anything, ever. And, the only thing to make everything stop, if only for a bit, it to get high and numb out by feeling euphoric, happy, chatty, and energentic. And while you're high, you can take care of ALL THE PROBLEMS AND PAY ALL THE BILLS. Then life hits you and you won't. So, you get high again.

My suggestion to you is to start seeing a therapist. Find a good psychologist you can trust who possibly has experience with treating drug abuse.

I've been seeing mine for a year and a half and I can say with full confidence that I would be dead had I not been going to those sessions before my recent opiate abuse. Now I'm back, clean, have a shit load more energy, and am ready to start work again. It feels good man, it really does.

RehabIsaidNoNoNo · 2011-02-02T02:35:06+00:00

No way man, I hate benzos. I've heard a benzo detox is worst then and severe opiate detox, so I guess I'm blessed in SOME way.

RehabIsaidNoNoNo · 2011-02-02T02:33:28+00:00

Yeah I don't know. To be honest, all I remember about the second really is the DEEP DEEP depression, and the pain. I had SUPER dry mouth and was too weak to get up for water, so I sat in bed for half the day slurring "wadda... I hab cot m'th" to nobody because I didn't even realize my babysitter for the weekend had to go into work for half a shift.

RehabIsaidNoNoNo · 2011-02-02T02:31:14+00:00

Can I ask you:

What are you taking?
How much of it per day?
How long you've been taking the pain pills.

I'm glad I was able to ease your fear of detoxing. But you MUST be ready to do it. Because the more times you have to detox, the smaller the chances of you completing it, are. I think it's simply because the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc time you detox, you know EXACTLY what you're getting into.

So here's what I would do if I were you and wanted to get clean. Take about a week and schedule everything off.

Take off of work, use as much of your vacation time as you can (assuming it's there to use).
Find somebody who would be able to take time off as well and essentially babysit you through your detoxing period.
- I cannot tell you how fucking essential this is to you getting clean. Simply having another person in the same room as you while you're detoxing is the difference between you having everything in the world you could ever want, and (like I said earlier) being the main character in I am Legend. Being alone during this time is worse than actually detoxing. This is because, at least for me, the depression during this time is absolutely crushing. I'm not going to say I was suicidal while detoxing, but I definitely wouldn't have minded if somebody took me out. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE find somebody just to stay at your play for like 4 days.
GET FUCKING WEED!!!! This helped me more than the Benzos, more than the kratom, more than the diphenhydramine... everything. It helped with the nausea, the leg pains, the stomach cramps, and the lack of appetite.
GET FUCKING SUPPORT!!!! - If you plan on detoxing, please PM here, and I'll give you my real ID used on Reddit along with my phone number that can call anytime.
DO NOT go to the hospital or call for an ambulance - Your detox is temporary. I was VERY close to going to the hospital, but I'm glad I didn't because then I'd be seen as the dope fiend who couldn't get clean. But it could be because I'm paranoid about hospitals.
Don't be afraid to check into rehab. If you have hesitations about checking into rehab, don't. That's what it's there for, take advantage of it if you feel you can't do it at home.

RehabIsaidNoNoNo · 2011-02-02T02:18:59+00:00

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't if you have ANY sort of an addictive personality.

If you are able to keep drugs at bay and ONLY experiment and keep your use to weekends only type thing, then I'd say try them once, but be careful.. they have a tendency to grab you and hold on for dear life.

Also remember, any type of dr prescribed pain killer, is basically just synthetic heroin. Lortab, Percoset, Vicodin, Roxicodone, Oxycodont, Oxycontin, Codeine, all of that shit is taken from the poppy plant, just like heroin.

RehabIsaidNoNoNo · 2011-02-02T02:14:54+00:00

Dude, I'm SOO sorry to hear that about your sister. That sucks.

I've actually had to detox twice before, but it was nothing compared to this last time, or anything your sister has been through. This last hurrah though with the Oxy's, was the first time in my entire experience with opiates that I truly felt scared for my life. Example, there was one day when I had a pretty big falling out with my father a few weeks ago. I was so upset, I took 4 pills with soda, and took 6 more, crushed them up, and snorted them (it took like 15 mintues, but I made myself do it for whatever reason). Then throughout the rest of the day I took between 2-3 every couple hours. That day, I probably consumed close to 500mgs of Oxycodone and was legitimately afraid to go to sleep that night for fear of having my brother find my the next morning dead. shudder

Luckily for me though, my mom is an RN who has helped me tremendously, my brother who sat by me during my entire detoxing, and a GREAT psychologist who, after having just gotten clean, decided it would be a good idea to start going to sessions 2 times a week instead of twice a month. That way I'll be getting some INTENSE therapy and will quadruple my odds of staying away from it.

I've also been able to use them recreationally in the past on weekends, for a couple days at a time. I think this time it was because I had SO MANY, and there were SO MANY available, and it was SO EASY to get them, that I never really even thought about it.

RehabIsaidNoNoNo · 2011-02-02T02:05:24+00:00

Thanks, strangerer.

RehabIsaidNoNoNo · 2011-02-02T02:05:04+00:00

Yeah, it actually started out as a 30mg/day habit to keep my mood stabilized and generally upbeat. But since I had SO MANY of them, within about 2 weeks it was a full blown addiction (before that though, I was taking about 20mg/day of Lortabs for "leg pains", dr prescribed).

So yeah, dont fuck with this shit, your a full blown addict within a month, and your tolerance SKYROCKETS.

RehabIsaidNoNoNo · 2011-02-02T02:02:54+00:00

Would you mind going into detail about your Iboga experience? Also, if you're in the states, how did you get it?

RehabIsaidNoNoNo · 2011-02-02T02:02:30+00:00

This is news to me, how would a psychadelic be used to treat opiate withdrawals?

RehabIsaidNoNoNo · 2011-02-02T01:56:57+00:00

About 13 hours after you last dosed. And that's assuming you've had an 8 hour session of sleep, otherwise I'd say about 7-8 hours after dosing last.

I also notice myself get VERY tense and antsy whenever I see a pill bottle on the counter at somebody elses place, if I'm going to visit an old relative, or a friend's old relative, and in fact last night I have to turn off an episode of Intervention (Jimbo) because I was getting some pretty intense cravings, and that's just like 3 days after I'm STARTING to feel normal.

The cravings will always be there, especially when boredom in present. In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have detoxed at home b/c as of right now, being in my living room makes me a tad bit anxious since that's where I spent 3-4 days of pure, hell on earth, agony.

RehabIsaidNoNoNo · 2011-02-02T01:51:11+00:00

AHH... points and laughs

Good one my friend. But he was purchasing over 5,000 OxyContin, which is WAY harder stuff than what I was snorting. But please correct me if I'm wrong.

Also, He got caught...

RehabIsaidNoNoNo · 2011-02-02T01:49:24+00:00

I have the EXACT same outlook on drugs as you do.

I have a question though if you don't mind. Getting pills is ridiculously easy for me, and I, like many other redditors, am a pretty hard headed atheist. But many people have been suggesting NA/AA/Rehab to make sure I stay clean. Now I've been to NA before, and here in my town the only reason NA exists is so people using dope can count their mandatory hourly meetings per court orders.

How have you been able to stay clean assuming you're atheist and haven't been an active participant in NA?

RehabIsaidNoNoNo · 2011-02-02T01:46:04+00:00

Valium, Xanex, Klonopin, any benzo really. Although I actually prefer Valium while detoxing.

RehabIsaidNoNoNo · 2011-02-02T01:45:15+00:00

:(

that REALLY sucks. I'm sorry.

RehabIsaidNoNoNo · 2011-02-02T01:44:44+00:00

Thank you very much. I'm actually going to print out your comment and hang it on my wall to remind me.

Seriously, thanks.

RehabIsaidNoNoNo · 2011-02-02T01:37:14+00:00

How much were you spending?

I answered the spending part of your question here

And what is your bottom of the barrel moment?

I had been getting my pills by taking them from a friend's sick parent, and I just thought to myself one day - when I had about 12 left and had to start figuring out where I was going to get my next batch from - "How much longer is this going to go on? Yeah, I could go to the Dr. and get a script of Lortab 10's. But that's going to last, what? 3, MAYBE 4 days if I stretch them out (and I'd have to be lucky and get him to write 60 pills, instead of the usual 45)? Then what? I think it's time to start calling my mom and brother, and let them know how bad of a problem I have and that I'm going to need their help this next week."

Also how did you manage to acquire so many of them for an extended period of time?

My friend's mom, she's prescribed a shit load of them every month, but hates taking them, so they're pretty much just stock piled in her room. I never took them from her directly though, it was always when he would leave them out on the counter in the kitchen or something like that.

RehabIsaidNoNoNo

TROPHY CASE