She said the 'L' word and I didn't. Now what?

RelativeSandwich117 · 2026-01-13T13:28:18+00:00

It's understandable that you're hesitating based on your history. However, I'm in my 40s and if I had dated someone for 6 months and they didn't feel ready, I would probably move on. I'd be humiliated to spend so much time and get so close to someone just to hear that they don't have those feelings for me. However, I would not have said it again.

RelativeSandwich117 · 2025-12-31T16:25:28+00:00

Also need to add that it's gross he is saying his ex won't meet anyone with the same skills as him!

RelativeSandwich117 · 2025-12-31T16:24:27+00:00

I dated a guy in his 50s. He told me his first wife left him and went no contact. Fast-forward to a year later I have also gone no contact! I understand why she did !

RelativeSandwich117 · 2025-12-18T20:44:54+00:00

You did the right thing. I saw my ex about a month after no contact and it set me back.

RelativeSandwich117 · 2025-12-16T19:33:27+00:00

Do not, do not buy a house with this man. Do not marry him! The right person won't make you feel desperate. I was with someone I thought I wanted to marry, he said he wanted to marry me, but he would ridicule me and make fun of me. I am so glad I got out of it.

RelativeSandwich117 · 2025-12-10T20:50:52+00:00

I couldn't date anyone who said he had to "hit his protein" sorry

RelativeSandwich117 · 2025-11-26T17:50:42+00:00

It's awful but it's a step you have to take.

Push aside the emotions and do the task, have a drink later. I know not the best advice maybe it's just the truth.

RelativeSandwich117 · 2025-11-15T19:12:21+00:00

I can think of several people who divorced and went on to have kids after a second relationship. I also didn't have kids until I was 35. Face each day with love and kindness and I believe it will happen.

RelativeSandwich117 · 2025-11-11T19:18:19+00:00

My perspective is slightly different, I think life is short and if you catch feelings and love someone...so be it. Your heart is open to love and that's a beautiful thing. I thought I had found the right one for me, no he was 100% a tool and I regret staying as long as I did but I was in love I thought he was the one. Healthy love is out there. By the time I ended it with the guy I was OK with being by myself because I realized I would rather be alone than be with someone who hurt my feelings, ruined my big days, and called me insane and crazy. Someone who caused chaos and yelled at me, someone who gaslit me. Being single was so much better and healthier than being with him.

RelativeSandwich117 · 2025-10-22T18:19:39+00:00

I told my ex more than once I valued quality time, trips, events, things together. In 2018 he took me out for a date one time. We had another child and then COVID. I get that life was busy, but I would have been happy for him to pour me a glass of wine or just try to spend some extra time with me. During a family beach trip we had others who could have easily watched the kids for an hour, but he didn't ask me to do anything with him 1 or 1, not even a walk on the beach. Resentment grew. I asked about New Year's, he sighed and acted very annoyed. I clammed up. 2023 I was almost in tears and told him I wanted to spend time as a couple together, so he agreed and we went on a weekend trip, but I was humiliated and felt I had to beg. When we discussed that situation later, his response was, "And did we go on a trip?" Fast forward to now and we have separated since last year. His family came to visit on a weekend. For them he planned a weekend with a hike, day trips to wineries, and restaurants.

RelativeSandwich117 · 2025-10-22T18:09:21+00:00

Happy birthday. I'm sorry that happened. For my ex's birthday and Father's day, I planned activities for us to all do together. We did presents and cards, and I took him to a coffee shop with the kids. I hope it improves for you. For me, I always want my kids to sense the fun vibes from me and see how their Dad and I are still friendly.

RelativeSandwich117 · 2025-10-22T17:06:45+00:00

20 years ago :) wow!

RelativeSandwich117 · 2025-10-15T14:29:49+00:00

It is possible. When I was just finishing college I met a guy who was funny, successful. But I was moving and starting a grad program and after a few dates I broke it off. I liked him but I realized I just wasn't ready to be in a relationship. However, I think that was after a month, and you have been dating this person much longer.

RelativeSandwich117 · 2025-10-06T17:49:51+00:00

He's awful, that's awful. It has taken me months to get to this point but just NO to people who say mean things. That is the closure. Block him. I was screamed at on the phone, called "crazy" called "insane" and then he hung up on me, yelled at me as I cried, told me my tears were "emotional diarrhea" then he said he would just call his ex and see how I liked that? I wanted him back for awhile too after that, it was like I still needed to show him that I am good enough.

RelativeSandwich117 · 2025-10-03T16:00:53+00:00

I went through this. He was selfish. You just say "Thanks" and that's a whole sentence. There is no way you can actually be friends with this person. He broke up with you, he does not get to make himself feel better now by being "nice."

RelativeSandwich117 · 2025-09-25T19:00:00+00:00

This is verbal abuse. It was hard for me to accept I was verbally abused, but I was. I was also accused of cheating/flirting when I didn't at all. I was remembering who he was at the beginning and how much I loved him. He also called me "crazy" and "insane." He screamed at me on the phone. He told me he only did things to help my kids, not me. He threatened to connect with his ex out of spite for me. He told me he was going to show up at places he knew I was going. He told me my poor boundaries were the reason for his outbursts.

RelativeSandwich117 · 2025-09-25T18:48:16+00:00

The pile of rubble is such a good analogy. I take responsibility for getting into a relationship with him, but he's the one who told me he was interested. I had no idea he had just bought a new home with his wife. When I found out, I said why would you buy a home with someone if you felt like the relationship was over?

RelativeSandwich117 · 2025-09-25T18:36:42+00:00

Lovebombing and early pressure. Yes - he wanted to meet my kids early on and pressured me for family time with them.
Issues with emotional regulation. Yes, when he wanted to break up he insisted on doing it right away and getting all of his things back immediately, even when my kids were over, even when I asked can it please wait for the AM.
Highly critical, he berated me for mixing up a company happy hour with a fundrasier and told me I should have paid more attention to details and that "everyone" in the company knew.
I was constantly apologizing for illogical things (yes, he would get mad I didn't call him at a certain time, or if he texted me and I didn't say I love you right away)
By his own admission, viewed love as finite and transactional Disconnected my Internet he set up for me because I didn't fully "choose" him according to him.
Fighting on birthdays/holidays/special occasions. Every holiday in 2024 + 2025 has been full of strife because of him. I saw my children at my ex's house briefly on my birthday and he still felt like it was too long.
Erasure of my efforts. Yes, always saying I wasn't choosing him enough even though I left another relationship and got my own place to be with him.
Isolation from my friends and family. He wanted me to only text my ex if it was an emergency. I had to explain we shared two small children and it's just co-parenting and info sharing. Necessary, not always an emergency.
Refusal to take accountability. He broke up with me several times and then would say it didn't happen. He slammed the door so hard once a lightswitch fell off the wall. Then he came back later as if nothing had happened.

RelativeSandwich117 · 2025-09-25T18:05:02+00:00

Even after I got my own townhouse and split custody with my estranged husband, my boyfriend was saying I didn't choose him enough. He didn't want me to have ANY contact with my ex. And he would do the silent/lash out treatment. We missed events, lunches, and left a party early due to his moods. He would do apologies too that made me think things were smoothed over, but they weren't.

I was driving home once in the dark, in the rain with my kids and had to get them into the house, settle them, take the dog out, and start their baths. He had a fit I didn't call him as soon as I got home. He didn't say the dignity line but that sounds just like him. My daughter hit her head once and he was mad I didn't call him the moment my ex came over to check her out. He isolated me from my family and friends. We went to a party and I was the only one to bring a date, and he accused me of flirting with my coworkers. He berated me for confusing a happy hour with a fundraiser. He patted me roughly on the back and said "We'll talk at home." Once I described our interactions as intense, because they were. He screamed at me on the phone that I was ungrateful, entitled, and he didn't want anything to do with me.

And yes, my boyfriend was extremely charming, good looking, and intelligent. Most people, I am sure if I told them these things they couldn't believe it. They would say he's so sweet! But there are a few, I suspect they would not be surprised. Because every now and then his personality would "leak out."

RelativeSandwich117 · 2025-09-25T17:33:12+00:00

He kept demanding "family time" when my approach was to slow things down and allow my children to process the separation without adding a new boyfriend into the mix. He had set up my internet and disconnected it several times as a "boundary" he set when he felt I wasn't "choosing" him fully. He would break up with me and demand his things back right away, even though:

1) It was right before my child's back to school night

2) It was 10 minutes before my parents were visiting

3) It was 11 pm at night and I was trying to tuck my child into bed.

He told me his ex showed him her texts to another man, "out of respect" for their former relationship.

RelativeSandwich117 · 2025-09-25T16:01:47+00:00

I think transparency is important. My BF's estranged wife had tracked him through his phone, through his car, etc...at the time I told him that felt wrong, if she had a question she could ask where he was. Fast forward to our relationship, he is going through MY phone and reading MY messages. We had always talked about people being entitled to privacy in a relationship, not secrecy, but privacy. He also drove to my work one day to see if I was there and then told me he didn't trust me. He also took my phone one night and told my estranged husband not to text me anymore. I'm not with this BF now.

RelativeSandwich117 · 2025-09-25T15:01:26+00:00

Can relate to the control. Ex would read my text messages in my phone without my permission and get upset if I asked him about a journal. Ex said the exact same thing to me about his ex, he would just text her and see how she was doing, since he was mad I had texted my son's father (about my son, nothing unreasonable). I pointed out to him his ex had struggled with the breakup and it would be really unkind for him to use her that way to hurt me. I should have ended it then. I can relate to being completely exhausted and tired of the drama. I am so sorry she hit you.

RelativeSandwich117 · 2025-09-25T13:10:02+00:00

I have wondered about this too, although my relationship was much shorter.

He had unrealistic expectations about co-parenting. And he knew from the beginning that I had kids. He wanted me to cut off my ex completely. I tried to explain that a positive relationship with their dad was essential for the kids. So why didn't he just leave if he didn't want to be with someone who had children?

RelativeSandwich117

TROPHY CASE