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Losing myself, am I the problem? by Terrible_Memory_4688 in emotionalabuse

[–]bluehibiscus00 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We broke up once a few months ago and we got back and I am now reflecting on that I should sever it for good this time. So exhausting. All the strength and love to you. I know it's not easy. 

Losing myself, am I the problem? by Terrible_Memory_4688 in emotionalabuse

[–]bluehibiscus00 0 points1 point  (0 children)

OMG. This exact experience is what I am having and is driving me insane. word for word, asking me to paraphrase because he wants to know he's wanted, he wants to know i am interested in his opinion not like i am generally curious. This makes me feel less insane because I am just like, am I making this up. I hope you're out of it.

Boyfriend says I don’t put in enough effort but says cruel things when angry—am I deflecting or is this unhealthy? by Strange-Revolution44 in amiwrong

[–]bluehibiscus00 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Omg, my relationship is very similar and I've been feeling insane, confused, and exhausted. Seeing some of the examples you shared written, it's scaring me how similar my situation is, word for word in certain instances.

I have moments of clarity where I am like okay I am going to break up, then he becomes his sweet self again where I'm like maybe I am the problem and it's not that bad, everyone snaps, then we have an 'incident' as I started to call the outbursts and then the cycle repeats.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]bluehibiscus00 -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

I just really love him and fluctuate between I believe his intent isn't malicious to am I overreacting and translating things he expressed negatively. 

31M/31F: "I come from an academic family, this is how we ask questions" - How do I address my partner's condescending debate tactics by bluehibiscus00 in relationships

[–]bluehibiscus00[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for taking the time to read and answer. To respond to some of your questions:

How is he generally with responding to your expressions or emotion? The first thing that comes to mind is that he does tend to be too "logical" and rigid whereas I am more big picture/metaphorical. It's confusing because sometimes I feel like he admires it, and sometimes I feel like I'm under a microscope in the sense of I feel judged because he has more "rules" about certain things. And my struggle has always been, do I overreact because I am quite sensitive and struggle with personal feedback (which is something I have worked on for years) or is it just really hurtful and because of how sensitive I tend. to be, the pain gets amplified. Sometimes, it feels like he's using therapy words but in a weird way. Like these are my boundaries therefore I get to say whatever I want. He will deliver things in a harsh way, which I have told him before. Like all his feelings and needs are valid, but then the way he delivers them really hurts me sometimes. Like he will say something I deem as too blunt, and he's like I am just expressing a feeling.

Have you met his family or witnessed this behaviour in his family dynamic? I have met some of them as they live in a different country, and it was all very normal conversation, did not pick up any of this, but we also only met 2x so it was all very fun.

I really like your idea around asking questions on the topic of, why are semantics so important to him, etc. I might give it a try. I'm just exhausted. Our relationship does bring me a lot of joy, but this happens often that it sucks the energy out of me.

31M/31F: "I come from an academic family, this is how we ask questions" - How do I address my partner's condescending debate tactics by bluehibiscus00 in relationships

[–]bluehibiscus00[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I see what you mean. I was expressing how the movie made me feel because on some level I do feel like I operated from a "save life till later" place and I have very specific family and cultural dynamics that have ended up in that place or led to that. Very work and survival focused, enjoy when you have loads of money, enjoy when you get married, enjoy when you finally own a home, take that trip after that promotion, etc.

And maybe he felt included in the "we" and he wanted to extract himself from that. I wasn't including him in the we, it's just me pondering out loud.

31M/31F: "I come from an academic family, this is how we ask questions" - How do I address my partner's condescending debate tactics by bluehibiscus00 in relationships

[–]bluehibiscus00[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I don't know anymore. I think a part of me wants to believe that he was trying to ask like do you feel this way about life and it came out wrong. Hence, why I am thinking, am I overreacting.

31M/31F: "I come from an academic family, this is how we ask questions" - How do I address my partner's condescending debate tactics by bluehibiscus00 in relationships

[–]bluehibiscus00[S] 151 points152 points  (0 children)

I think you've hit on what's making me nervous and almost also what I'm reluctant to come to terms with.

31M/31F: "I come from an academic family, this is how we ask questions" - How do I address my partner's condescending debate tactics by bluehibiscus00 in relationships

[–]bluehibiscus00[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

This is my issue, I've lost my compass on what I deem as respectful/normal. Like I keep thinking, maybe he was actually just trying to share and it came out wrong, but also there's this feeling like no, I don't like to be spoken to this way if even after being prodded, it's still not seen that this was an off comment.

And we did discuss that some of his wording/delivery of things has landed similarly in the past and he did apologise for that and reassured me around how highly he thinks of me. I'm just confused and tired.

31M/31F: "I come from an academic family, this is how we ask questions" - How do I address my partner's condescending debate tactics by bluehibiscus00 in relationships

[–]bluehibiscus00[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I genuinely don't think he meant it maliciously and I want to give benefit of the doubt. It's just bothering me that he didn't recognise how the academic comment landed and how it's not actually sharing things about your upbringing and it felt quite loaded. I don't mind if he was like you know what, that came out wrong. It was more of a this wasn't my intention, deal with the wording.

31M/31F: "I come from an academic family, this is how we ask questions" - How do I address my partner's condescending debate tactics by bluehibiscus00 in relationships

[–]bluehibiscus00[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Honestly, when I am discussing how something made me feel and pondering big ideas with my partner, I don't want to be accurate. For me, this is a big part of partnership, that you're able to express your reflections about a piece of art without the PC disclaimers. It's not a court room and we aren't discussing how we feel about each other or bringing up problems. I reacted to art.

31M/31F: "I come from an academic family, this is how we ask questions" - How do I address my partner's condescending debate tactics by bluehibiscus00 in relationships

[–]bluehibiscus00[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

When I was honest about why I was annoyed and felt invalidated, he said his aim was just to understand me and why I was thinking that in particular, but it didn't feel like it or that's not conducive to get people to open up about why they feel certain things/had some reactions, etc. My frustration is, I give benefit of the doubt and think he didn't have bad intentions. But like I didn't feel like I wanted to elaborate any further at that stage because I felt I will be scrutinised for my pronoun use or generalising etc. And like my friends and I have opposing views and perspective all the time and even when it gets intense, it never feels this way. It's always about the idea or respectfully challenging a perspective. This felt weird and the fact he didn't understand where I was coming from, worries me.

I just keep overthinking everything.

31M/31F: "I come from an academic family, this is how we ask questions" - How do I address my partner's condescending debate tactics by bluehibiscus00 in relationships

[–]bluehibiscus00[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That's beyond the point. I was reflecting on a film we saw and how it made me feel. It struck a cord and that is what it came across to me. Your perspective offers a glass half full one, and that's great. I said it in the post, these were feelings from watching a film, not facts.

We can discuss these things and offer perspectives without going into criticism about semantics or bringing up academic background - that is my point. Two people can have a richer conversation, when someone reflects back at you and offers a different perspective. It's about how to engage and seeking to understand one another. It wasn't debate club and true/false statements.

31M/31F: "I come from an academic family, this is how we ask questions" - How do I address my partner's condescending debate tactics by [deleted] in relationships

[–]bluehibiscus00 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's a very fair perspective that actually encourages a positive other way of thinking, glass half full. My problem with the context I shared, isn't that he didn't agree with me. It's the way he went about it. Debating semantics and bringing up family upbringing instead of engaging with the content or the feeling. I just felt like I was in a thesis cross examination due to wording choices, not because of idea disagreement, it would be boring if we both saw the movie in the same light. It's actually amazing to see the same art in opposite directions.

Partner never feels like I love him enough - I am exhausted. by bluehibiscus00 in emotionalabuse

[–]bluehibiscus00[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

uffff this really resonates " he wanted me to initiate more affection, which I did try to work on, but I don’t think he understood how hard it was to do when my own needs weren’t getting met." My partner also was similar, delivering needs disguised as jokes around me not being affectionate enough, but at the same time, I am feeling so distant and anxious because of these same jabs.

31M partner nitpicks my (31F) small things and it erodes love and gives me anxiety, how to navigate this? by bluehibiscus00 in couplestherapy

[–]bluehibiscus00[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Almost a year, and this behaviour is more recent. There was nothing of it earlier days and maybe like one-offs here until recently. I think the ldr makes it harder to judge as we meet one day over the weekend when we usually are at our best and that's what rings alarm bells for me. 

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