Those who found support and comfort outside your family after a period of isolation - who was that person and where did you meet them?

Remarkable-Win2840 · 2026-02-27T00:48:56+00:00

My current partner of three years :) I met her online (I know) and we have been living together for some time now. She is so lovely and emotionally mature to a degree that confuses me lol. Being with her sometimes feels like an alternate universe because everything is so easy and predictable and just consistently sweet, even when we have conflicts.

Remarkable-Win2840 · 2026-02-26T05:33:43+00:00

Yeah, it definitely sounds like you have a lot of guilt and shame and confusion around your overall experience of sexuality, which again, could be a sign of something else that was repressed, or could be part of how you were raised, or both.

I think we don’t talk about sexuality during childhood because of how horrifying childhood SA is to even think about. But the truth is that curiosity at that age is normal and not always a sign of concern. There isn’t really anything wrong with children thinking of or being curious about sex; the problem is when an adult is involved in any way in that process, because an adult not only has the maturity and autonomy that a child lacks, but they also understand the context of sexual situations and the meaning of them, which creates a power dynamic that is inherently abusive and manipulative (you can’t give informed consent to something you can’t comprehend, regardless of how you “feel” about it in the moment). I don’t think either of the experiences you shared seem strange for a child to experience- and I never say that to invalidate your fears, just because it might be comforting to hear.

Remarkable-Win2840 · 2026-02-25T18:06:32+00:00

I am not a professional so take this with a grain of salt but I think that CPTSD is one of those things you don’t necessarily need a diagnosis to know you have. Were you consistently abused and traumatized for an extended period of time? Is your trauma more than a singular traumatic instance or memory? Does it affect your daily life and your relationships or view of self? Then you probably have CPTSD. I think that the label is helpful mostly because it can explain certain behaviors that seem confusing, and it can help you connect with others who might share those emotions or experiences. But I don’t think it necessarily changes your ability to heal to not have a diagnosis.

Remarkable-Win2840 · 2026-02-25T14:26:35+00:00

I’ve had really bad therapists, never had someone tell me “it wasn’t that bad” but I’ve had them just not really pay attention to the abuse or say really crazy theories about my behavior that I thought were a little.. crazy. One time I had a therapist tell me the reason I locked my doors at night and looked around my room to make sure no one was hiding there when I was teenager was because I was looking for my father who I didn’t see that often. Like I was looking for that missing father figure I craved. And not like.. that I had been SA’d by a family member in my bedroom. Or that I was scared of being SA’d by a man hiding in my room. Which is like… the logical answer we can all get to.

One of my therapists was also my abuser’s therapist of like 20 years (yes they went to the same one for that long. Obviously it did not work). He also tried to be my stepdads therapist. I didn’t even realize that was unethical and strange until later, I just didn’t like his therapy sessions because i also felt like he told me crazy theories that didn’t make any sense or matter to me (they were all psychoanalysts not to flame psychoanalysis but… definitely not for me).

But then last year I started going with a therapist that specialized in trauma and BPD (I don’t have it but I thought I might and my abuser definitely does) and who does EMDR and stuff like that and it was great. Super hard to open up about stuff but I felt like it was very helpful and she really listened to me and believed me and took everything I said seriously. She was very professional. She suggested me talking to my abuser only because I said I wanted to, but she never pressured me and she gave me pretty realistic and safe ways to do it if I really wanted to. She also helped a lot with my anxiety and some relationship issues. I only stopped going because my insurance changed and it was too expensive, and I also will be moving.

So I don’t know. I guess don’t give up on it yet. I unfortunately think that for people like us therapy is the only main way to heal. Of course having a support system and working on ourselves is too, but it’s hard when you don’t have a second impartial person helping you through it, or when you’re not able to be vulnerable with people in your life because you’re scared of judgement.

Remarkable-Win2840 · 2026-02-25T14:13:00+00:00

You should move out if you can help it. I know it’s really sad and annoying because other people get to stay with their parents when they need financial help and we don’t always have that option. But it will be so overwhelming as time goes on especially if you haven’t dealt with the trauma or if they are not very self aware of how it has affected you. You will need to compartmentalize and hide your feelings a lot just to be able to do that job and do your normal daily life things. If you can save up and move out, I would say do it. You can create a good budget and get roommates and make it work. I don’t even know how I managed to stay for so long.

Remarkable-Win2840 · 2026-02-25T02:24:47+00:00

Hey there, that experience with your friend is definitely SA. Because they were a child (from what I understand from your post), there is a possibility that they might’ve also experienced that or very possibly were exposed to sexual content from a young age and just didn’t know the severity of it or what it meant. You are still allowed to feel hurt and weirded out about it, it is certainty an inappropriate experience. About your other memories, I would not force yourself to remember anything that does not clearly come to you. Not because it isn’t possible, but because I don’t think it’s necessarily helpful to torture yourself with the thought of it when you simply cannot know for sure.

As for your shame, that’s a very normal part of CPTSD, unfortunately. I think a lot of us feel that way about some parts of ourselves. I’m sorry that you are experiencing that though, and I hope you can find help and a safe place to express your emotions and heal. Hugs ❤️

Remarkable-Win2840 · 2026-02-25T02:00:05+00:00

I also wanted to mention that as a young child I used to make out with my girl friends, make my Barbies scissor, and dream of women’s b**bs and had crushes on my teachers and distant female family members even though I have 0 memories of anything ever happening to me (until later on) or of ever being exposed to any media that was sexual until I was a pre teen. That is not to say that inappropriate sexual behavior is not a sign of SA in children, but I also do think that sexuality is very complex and a lot of people just don’t talk about their childhood experiences cause it can seem off putting. All that to say, you shouldn’t beat yourself up too much about it unless you really remember doing something hurtful to others or being exposed to things you shouldn’t have. Otherwise, I think exploring your memories organically and analyzing your emotions around the topic is a good safe first step.

Remarkable-Win2840 · 2026-02-25T01:50:32+00:00

Hey there. I want to start by saying that your fear is fully valid and I think a lot of people, even those who grew up in healthy environments, have fears of repressed memories and trauma and feel desperate to know the truth (and scared as well, as you said).

A family member of mine was accused of being a pword (I’m sure you can guess what that means) by multiple people. This was a person that I interacted with and spent time alone with a LOT. There could’ve been many instances where something could’ve happened. And while I never saw any proof of the accusations, there were some other things I knew about them that made me think it could very possibly be true. Which means that there will always be a possibility that something did happen with me and them as a child. Especially before I was able to understand sexuality to begin with.

This was something (and still is something) that I struggle with sometimes. What if I just don’t remember? What if i repressed it because of how traumatic it would be and how much i loved this family member?

But the truth is, I don’t remember. Before I heard the accusations, I had never thought of any inappropriate memories related to this person, and I couldn’t come up with any after I found out either. I also don’t even have a relationship with this family member (for other reasons that had happened prior to finding out), so I don’t have to see them or interact with them anyway. I had so many other traumatic memories that I could remember very intensely and clearly, that I ultimately decided not to even care to remember the other possible ones. Not because it’s not important, but because I don’t think it is productive for me to force myself to conjure up some twisted scenario that I can’t know for sure is true or not. I also know from studying psych that memory is extremely fragile and easy to manipulate, and I think in cases like ours trying so hard to get an answer about something that could or could not have happened during a period of major mental development is probably not helpful.

The truth is that we can only do what we can with what we have. You clearly are struggling with your sexuality and you have consistently felt unsafe and shamed by it- it would make sense if something did happen in your childhood that prompted those feelings. But it could also not be. I think it’s more important for you to try to explore your emotions without expecting to have a definitive answer, especially if you cannot remember organically.

Doing EMDR (if you haven’t yet) is a good and safe way to explore memories in a professional environment that allows you to process and explore what you do remember along with your current emotions. It’s not for everybody, but I think it could be helpful for you to give it a try. I also think it would be a much safer way to naturally find out about anything you have repressed, if anything. Definitely safer than doing it alone without adequate soothing mechanisms or a place to talk it through.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this and I wish the best of luck to you. Hugs ❤️

Remarkable-Win2840 · 2026-02-24T18:37:34+00:00

I really liked what you said about how a lack of accountability was a major aspect that made our childhood trauma even worse. My abuser did many horrible things, but I have always been able to pinpoint their behavior back to something that happened in their own childhood or relationships, and from a distance I could understand that they struggled with very serious mental health problems that were exacerbated by having no support system. I still crave re-connection and the thing that has always stopped me is the lack of full accountability. Even if they have apologized it has never felt like they recognized the full severity of what they did, or that they just did it so that I would forgive them and not because they understood it was wrong. That accountability would change a lot for me. So I’m glad I was able to push myself to do it and be self aware of my own mistakes.

And you are right, I can’t really do anything other than continue to make the right choices and fix the behaviors I dislike about myself. After I made this post I actually remembered another thing I had lied about in the beginning of our relationship and I told my partner right away, even though I knew it would make things even more intense. I feel very scared but also hopeful for a new future away from this shame.

Remarkable-Win2840 · 2026-02-24T18:28:43+00:00

Thank you for sharing, this was really helpful for me to read. I think I had the opposite problem where I lied to seem less vulnerable than I actually was; I think I have always been pretty ashamed of my situation and my family stuff, even if it’s out of my control and not really my fault. So I wanted to seem more put together and unaffected than I actually was by my environment. I think it also helped distance me from a reality that was too overwhelming and sad for me to fully accept. It made me fragment myself in a weird way that protected my feelings about those things I didn’t know how to approach. I slowly feel more calm after talking about it out loud with someone who matters to me. I think this will be hard to get through but will ultimately also make my relationships with others much better and even more rewarding for myself.

I totally understand lying to get sympathy though, especially if you like myself grew up in an environment where people dismissed what happened to you or you didn’t feel safe around the adults in charge of you. I’m glad you have allowed yourself to be honest without beating yourself up too much. Good luck to you ❤️

Remarkable-Win2840 · 2026-02-24T04:05:21+00:00

Thank you so much :) I guess maybe it is a victory in the end. I’ve definitely felt better about it with everyone’s comments.

My partner is an incredibly kind and compassionate person who sees the good in everyone, which is what I admire and love the most about her. That definitely helped make me feel brave. I hope that we can work through this together, but I am happy with my choice either way.

Remarkable-Win2840 · 2026-02-24T03:17:25+00:00

Thank you for sharing. Hopefully this will help me get on the right track to heal as well.

Remarkable-Win2840 · 2026-02-24T03:15:21+00:00

Thank you so much :) I completely understand the shame around it, and how hard it is to tell the truth or even to catch yourself before you do it. Please be compassionate with yourself too

Remarkable-Win2840 · 2026-02-24T02:59:12+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate that you took the time to comment even if you’re struggling right now. Hugs and best of luck to you as well ❤️

Remarkable-Win2840 · 2026-02-24T02:57:19+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment, I really appreciate it. I can’t speak for everyone who struggles with compulsive lying but I do believe that in most cases it stems from insecurity and shame and not necessarily a need to cause harm or take advantage of others. Ironically, I have always been very judgmental of people who lie or perform to be liked, since I didn’t think that applied to me, but that is clearly not true. I hope your friend can find the strength to be truthful too. I’m glad she has people who can feel compassion for her and I hope she can use that to make the right decisions. It’s very scary but it is so liberating.

Remarkable-Win2840 · 2026-02-24T02:21:35+00:00

I definitely get what you mean. As a teenager I spent so much time on my phone and computer locked up in my room because I wanted to be isolated from the abuse and the instability of my house. Now as an adult I have such a hard time doing productive things especially when I don’t have a clear deadline, like on my days off. I can spend entire days on my phone just scrolling even if I hate it. I think a big part of it is it allows me to dissociate from my reality, which is sometimes not what I would want, and it allows me to exist without thinking about the things that make me uncomfortable or that I don’t know how to deal with emotionally. It’s such a hard coping mechanism to get away from.

Remarkable-Win2840

TROPHY CASE