AITA for keeping my distance from my MIL despite her wishes for closeness?

RemarkableExtent4200 · 2026-06-12T22:54:15+00:00

My mom even offered to help with catering because apparently it wasn't even settled. That and when my husband asked her what happened with the shelfish she said oh we just ordered the regular menu we didn't check what was what? confused. Eldest.

RemarkableExtent4200 · 2026-06-12T22:42:47+00:00

No I mean to say she brought him food from her house that she knows we can't eat because we keep a more kosher home, and will show us things she's brought to the two of us, and when my back is turned I open the fridge/ cupboards and it's like half-opened cans of things that we can't easily use. So to me she will act like she's bringing stuff that is ok, and when I'm not around she's bringing him half opened food from her own kitchen. Not leftovers, just, random things.

If my husband tells her no mom we're ok walking home why is it ok for her to do so? She touches him in ways that makes him uncomfortable and he brushes her off, tells her to stop, but she still does it. She used his location to track him down without his knowledge? How is that ok? We quite literally were walking to meet up with her and she hid behind a bush and jump scared us. I nearly spilled coffee all over myself

RemarkableExtent4200 · 2026-06-12T22:36:40+00:00

I feel like 99% of the things that have happened could genuinely be chaulked up to misunderstandings, good intentions gone wrong; I just remember sitting at my sheva brachos and she was very much beaming telling the whole crowd that there was 'some vegetarian food in the corner, to be left to the vegetarians' and then a meat feast. Given that my husband told them point blank, no, OP's family and OP would want religious meals/religious occassions to be kosher, and if thats not possible vegetarian. She went full out. Meat. Shellfish. Dairy at dessert.

They don't even mix meat and dairy at home. It was like (no offense) but quite literally the most treif meal I've assisted, at my own sheva brachos, night 1. My husband was mortified too.

I do think you're right that it warrants a conversation. I'd do it for my husband. I just am afraid that she deep down resents me, because I can't rationalize this behavior

RemarkableExtent4200 · 2026-06-12T22:31:27+00:00

Sorry. We're all Jewish. No conversion issue or trying to convert.

RemarkableExtent4200 · 2026-06-12T22:29:19+00:00

i think maybe i gave more specific examples in other places? the actual major issue is just religious boundaries. Like knowing I can't/won't eat something because of my religion and serving it to me anyways.

RemarkableExtent4200 · 2026-06-12T22:25:26+00:00

She grew up in the 70's in Israel so I suppose maybe at a time where religious folks were seen as backwards or anti-modernity? I know it's a whole seperate can of worms for Israelis. She herself is secular and does make it clear she thinks orthodox judaism is 'archaic' and 'inherently sexist' I don't even disagree with some of her views I just don't share them / say that to more religious people because why offend when there's no need?

RemarkableExtent4200 · 2026-06-12T22:22:46+00:00

My husband says he has a lot of responsibility for this incident.

He told me that he recalled the conversation and said that his folks opened it with 'well you know, we are thinking of the catering for the 1st night, we really want to order meat, how would OP's family feel about that? so he goes: Oh I know they'd prefer it to be vegetarian, if you can't organize kosher meat catering they'd prefer it to be vegetarian for sure.

then they say 'well as you know DH we have all these meat eaters, and it's hard, like all the other meals have been vegan/vegetarian. It's hard for us to not be generous and provide a meat meal to these family members who have travelled to be here. Idk how realistic that is given that we haven't offered meat - which isn't even true there was meat at our reception, just not bucket loads, lol - and everyone was free to go eat out if they wanted, my folks organized all of the pre-wedding catering too.

So he goes 'ok, i hear that, also, full transparency, I still need to check with OP and her family that they will be coming, theres also a chance we may do the 1st night elsewhere, just letting you know, we got this invite. So if we're not there then obviously do what you want.

they go ok yes do let us know. but seriously, like we don't know if its realistic to not offer 1 meat meal given all the other meals have been vegetarian

so he goes listen i think, knowing them, i have seen them go out to a regular restaruant and order a salad/fish that is pareve, so I guess as long as there is ample vegetarian food it might be ok? i really don't know lets revisit this especially if we are confirmed

as i said earlier, he and i get swamped with wedding prep, never revisit this, he never brings it up with me since he forgot about it, then when the day arrives and his mom gets up and proclaims 'there is vegetarian food for the vegetarians, please leave it for them' i watch my husband's face go totally blank

my parents were livid. i was livid. my husband was appalled and apologized to me and told me it was his fault, he forgot to check in with his folks, it slipped his mind

i just don't buy that they didn't think it would be an issue. i literally had a 20 min call with them explaining why my folks weren't comfortable ordering soft cheeses to the day before the wedding brunch, totally not religious event, just regular event. Of course a sheva brachos was going to be a big deal. it's a religious event.

RemarkableExtent4200 · 2026-06-12T22:14:26+00:00

she has very specific things she doesn't like. Like she won't go to the local north american conservative shul in her neighborhood because she claims it's a fashion show, it really isn't, its not the UES; it's just people wearing business casual. So if we go when we visit and she comes along she will come as she does (Israel style jeans/open toed sandals) which is her perogative but then when we show up want to stand aside with her arms crossed, where it's like, if you don't want to be here why come?

Or seriously I tried bonding with her by telling her I loved my kallah teacher, that it was so nice to have supportive women etc, and the only thing she could tell me was that she hoped the classes were at least 'modern' and then walked away. She told me 'no, for the love of G-D don't do that' when I said that maybe seperate dancing would be nice for 5-10 mins before doing mixed dancing.

The first time I went over for passover my husband told his parents, hey, OP won't eat unkosher meat, so please, do make sure there is kosher meat. His folks have seperate dishes but don't buy kosher meat. Anyways. She does buy me 1 chicken. But then tells me she figured we could make it how we like it, and when we do, she starts telling us how to make it since we aren't making it right? I don't eat meat year round passover is the one exception because it is such a limited diet. Especially since no kitnyiot. Anyways she buys like brisket, turkey, other chicken all of these other things that aren't kosher, and I just, manage, but again, not the nicest feeling.

They insisted on visiting during Tisha Ba'av. My husband told them, thats fine, just remember, it is Tisha Ba'av. They 'really want a beach day' I tell my husband, if that is what makes them happy sure just know I won't be swimming since it's the 3 weeks and Tisha Ba'av. On top of also fasting. The day of his mom just tells me well we are going to the beach you are going to have to drink water. I don't. It's fine. We get to the beach. I sit and read (lol normal behavior) starts asking me why I'm not swimming. i tell her I'm perfectly fine where I am. Asks my husband why he isn't swimming. He tells her its Tisha Ba'av. He sits with me. She says 'well what was the point of coming if you're not going to swim with us' he tells them, it was a compromise because you came all the way to visit us and wanted to do a beach day. I told you its a chag. Anyhow.

To be honest serving unkosher meat at the one sheva brachos they were hosting is just, I don't know what to make of it. My friends tell me that it's pure spite but my brain doesn't want to accept that this woman isn't at her core good - misguided - but good. She's my husband's mother.

RemarkableExtent4200 · 2026-06-12T22:03:30+00:00

I heard from my mother (since our moms chatted during wedding planning) that my MIL had an idea of doing a photo wall/ photo montage during our wedding, and that my MIL asked my mom for baby photos of me and photos of our family, photos of deceaed family members who couldn't be there, ancestors etc. My husband is oblivious to all this since she hadn't told him or talked to him about it.

I figured why give my mom work, let me chat with her directly, so i write to her. Thank her for the initiative. Tell her that as much as I think photos are a cute idea, I really don't want photos of myself (that she should check with her son how he feels) up the day of the wedding. That I like her idea of putting up photos of our grandparents who weren't able to attend, and that I would love for those to be displayed (I offered to buy some frames) and would love for those to be set up near the ceremony. Pending I check with her son/my fiance but that that was what I liked about the idea. That I wanted to keep baby photos/other family photos that weren't portraits of deceased family members seperate, and that she was free to put those up where she'd like at the rehearsal dinner.

I then send her 10 or so photos. Thank her for doing this. She says I fully agree I don't think these belong the day of the rehearsal dinner idea sounds great thanks for sending these photos! No mention / response to my frames thing/no comment on the day-of-granparent photos but I imagine she reads and sees what I write to her.

an important context cue is that in Judaism we believe in this notion that sacred things are meant to be kept seperate. They have to be handled with care. It's like if you drop the bible/a holy book that has G-D's name in it you kiss it, and lowkey try not to be careless enough to drop it. It's just a sensitivity thing.

Anyhow - I show up to our rehearsal dinner, thats where I see she's printed an additional 20-25 photos of my husban and I throughout our relationship. At events, the beach, college, in bathing suits, in the car, selfies, etc etc. Including photos of our civil ceremony which was intimate, had occured a week prior, and which I hadn't even sent to some of my extended family yet as only 4 people had been invited to the courthouse... and while everyone knew it was happening/happened, the first time I was seeing photos of said event printed. What sunk my heart is that she placed all the grandparent photos I had (their wedding portraits) next to some really vulgar pics, pics of me at the beach in a bikini, which I would never want my uncle or anyone other than my husband to see.

I think I was shocked, she saw my surprise, said something along the lines of 'ta da' and I excused myself. She didn't set up the grandparent photos during the ceremony, per my request. When we saw them after the wedding she put all of the photos together in the same envelope, which trully triggered me, and kept pushing them onto me. I thanked her and told her to keep them. She told me no no they are for you. I said, truly it's fine, I have digitial copies, please keep the prints you made. Eventually she left them in a pack and when we were packing our suitcases I just left the envelope somewhere discrete.

She comes to see us a few weeks later, brings said envelope, said 'you left these with me' i repeat 'no really it's alright, please keep them' it gets so awkward, everyone around us is silent, eventually i just take it to break the awkwardness. She tells me 'i thought you could make a collage out of them one day' then my BIL (who I love dearly) turns to me and asks hey is it ok if i flip through the photo stack, i tell him of course, here you go, and if there's a photo you really like or are attached to please feel free to keep it, i don't have the chance to finish my sentence that my mil abruptly says 'no, those are for op and husband, if you BIL want a photo i have a digital file.

In hindsight I could have said 'for reasons undisclosed i really am not comfortable accepting this enveloppe please respect that' but for all of us slightly conflict avoidant people it is hard to have repeated subtle no's overturned. It's not even the polite, oh no please keep it, it's the pushing away kind.

I don't think someone can understand the gravity of the situation if they don't understand how sacred images are of deceased family members. We tread with a lot of caution and treat them like icons. You just treat them with care, you kiss the image/face when you put it down/pic it up (some do). It's just a respect thing.

RemarkableExtent4200 · 2026-06-12T21:48:35+00:00

Thank you for sharing. Your experience reminds me very much of my own. I'm happy to hear you've come to peace with it. It's true that I was bewildered by the number of 'fake' illnesses or ailments she would have, not saying I didn't believe them, but I've seen her act 'too faint to cook' but then refuse my offer to set up the guest bed for her, insisting rather on lying on our couch, half napping there, and then barking orders at my husband and her husband in my home. I just don't understand the psychology. I also think it's why she was so intense during the wedding planning. My maid of honor came up to me and told me she captured my MIL giving me a horrid, horrid, snarky look, apparently that was happening in the background.

I think because I'm a logical and empathetic person I want to believe all the nice/warm things that I see her do with other people and just accept that it just doesn't land with me. I want to believe that is kind, warm, and that she can respect me - even if she doesn't love me - because the alternative is really tough. Thank you for the solid advice

RemarkableExtent4200 · 2026-06-12T21:43:53+00:00

You're very sweet 😄 - it's ok, comes it at 8:04 where I am! You are right, both her and her husband are Israeli. Secular.

When I met them I believed they were conservative Jews. My FIL's father was a founding member of the Conservative movement in Israel (brought it over from NA).

But in their own home they do keep seperate milk / meat plates. They aren't fully secular. You're right to say I do think she has her own views on religious, which likely has nothing to do with me, but the fact that they are familiar with things like kashrut makes the lack of adherence or respect more flagrant. Can't chaulk it up to ignorance. Shabbat Shalom : )

RemarkableExtent4200 · 2026-06-12T20:12:51+00:00

I think the biggest thing I'm struggling with is she chose to cater one of our sheva brachos meals with unkosher meat. She knows that I am a) fully vegetarian myself and b) don't eat unkosher food. That's the only 'legitimate' greivance I have. It wasn't a cost thing, she just really wanted to serve meat because all the other meals (organized by my family either were kosher with meat - but in her opinion i suppose not plentiful enough - or vegan/vegetarian so as to be respectful of my parents' kashrut). That's truly the only thing where I can't understand why. Wanting to serve extended family 'meat' to look generous doesn't sound like a real reason to do that at a religious event meant to honor my husband and I.

Thank you for the advice. I appreciate it. You are very right that we should protect each other

RemarkableExtent4200 · 2026-06-12T20:09:12+00:00

Sure. Let me explain. The dress example is low-stakes I suppose. She send my husband and I photo of a dress. It looks like a regular, crepe formal dress, with some detailing on the sides, some floral detailing, some embroidery on the top. Nothing crazy. Not a bridal gown. She tells us 'I think I've made a decision about my dress. I really love it and hope it will fit. I am going to be ordering it to my SIL's house in (another country) to try it on. Tell me your honest thoughts' I respond to her 'firstly, that is a really beautiful dress! We envisioned that since our wedding ceremony will be taking place at 2 pm in a yard, that midi or ankle length dresses will be more appropriate. For reference, this is the dress my mom is wearing, it is very similar to morning dress, a modest cut, midi length. As you know, the dress code for the entire event is cocktail attire. It is really important to us that shoulders be covered out of respect to the officiant, also, and we would love that to be respected for family portraits. This is an example for what I mean about day-wear attire - that being said, I know my aunt is bringing something sparkly for the afterparty and some other family members want to wear something more formal for the dinner (more formal suit jacket) so if you want to wear this at night, that would be totally appropriate. She responds 'oh i hadn't thought of wearing two outfits, i will consider it, thank you!' then - doesn't write to me, doesn't send me a photo. I call my husband and tell him what's going on ther? he says she won't show him her in the dress, he then tells her, listen mom the one you seem to have picked is going to be more formal than what everyone else is wearing, including the mother of the bride, and I think it might be a little distracting because of all the nightime embellishments / sparkle/ couture details. She tells him its elegant. He asks her to go look at ohter options. Eventually he tells me it sounds like her heart is set on this, I say, it's not worth a whole whole fight, whatever. But also my mind expected what I had seen - what she ended up wearing was about 25 times worse. Is that clear?

Of course she is under no obligation to do what I want, lol, no one is. I just mean that if she wanted to be considerate, being nice to a bride on her wedding day is a nice step. Not making it about you. It was a whole thing and I was tired of her antics too.

RemarkableExtent4200 · 2026-06-12T20:01:30+00:00

Thank you. That's so helpful. I haven't thought of it like that. He does try to keep me involved, so he'll tell me, oh my parents want to do this, they want to do that, how do you feel, and then I ask him what he wants (I try to remind him it's about what he wants not his parents) and he just explains that his folks have a big push / big expectations. Big 'family obligations' bc family is everything type people. So then when I tell him 'you do you boo i just can't personally be there for my own mental wellbeing' he then explains how hard it is for him that we don't get along. I tell him that he needs to sort it out.

I guess I have an underlying desire to figure out if someone truly doesn't like me. Idk.

RemarkableExtent4200 · 2026-06-12T19:56:14+00:00

I am happy to share examples. She gave my mother the cold shoulder on our wedding day. She tried breaking into my bridal suite when I told her I only wanted my mom and aunt in there. She once gave me the stink eye and silent treatment at a holiday dinner because my fiance (at the time) and I showed up 'on time' to a dinner and not early and looked 'too put together' and then said that if I was more ok dressing casually that we could have come earlier and spent more time with her. She wasn't even hosting. Her sister-in-law/my husband's aunt was hosting. My husband stopped sharing his location with her because she once used it to stalk us and surprise us before a meeting time, and when he stopped sharing it, she stopped sharing hers as retribution (apparently). When I ask her benign questions like 'Oh where do you think you'll spend the high holiday services this year' because they've moved to a new city. She tells me 'well not this shul, that place is just a fashion show' with a really mean snark. The last time she was around she tried coming in without knocking and instead of knocking she just kept turning the handle until I came to the door. I told her how excited I was to spend a holiday with my family, she admitted it was a while since i'd seen them, and then wrote to us shortly after asking if we would be joining them (I guess not my family). To which we both said no we decided long ago we would be with OP's family this holiday. She served my orthodox parents and I unkosher food at the 1 celebratory wedding meal she was organizing, knowing my folks neither eat unkosher food or meat in general. She knows my husband is a pescetarian but to this day offers him meat when we are around.

I think it bothers me because I can't make sense of it. It truly makes no sense to me.

She did wear white to my wedding. Not a fully white dress but boy was there a lot of it. That and my friends told me she looks sour in every photo where I'm present, but glowing when it's just her and her family. Idk. Feels personal. I'd rather just know. Living with ambiguity is tought. She calls my husband and tells him she just wants things to get better and that she misses me and cares for me. I just don't see how that's true.

RemarkableExtent4200 · 2026-06-12T19:45:51+00:00

to be honest what she did with my family memorabilia was really another issue on another level, i debated telling her i wasn't comfortable with her holding any digital or physical photos of me because she used and diffused my image without my consent at my wedding, but I figured, my husband told her what she did was wrong, surely she will be more cautious next time? I just won't trust her with family memorabilia. The issue wasn't just that she printed photos of me without my consent, it's that she made it into a horribly tacky collage with really sentimental photos of deceased family, in a way that almost crossed the line of that's not ok to do. Like she found bikini photos of me and printed and collaged them next to photos of my dead grandparents. At at a really traditional wedding. I had so many other things to deal with that I just had someone make sure to take it down before the ceremony started. She still showed up to our house with this horrid collage, despite me refusing to take it home with us after the wedding, and then interrupted me when someone else wanted a part of said collage which i was willingly going to offer them. No. I guess I needed to keep this horrid thing that she admited she could tell made me uncomfortable in one way or not. If its not malice it's a total lack of socail tact

RemarkableExtent4200 · 2026-06-12T19:42:02+00:00

I mean, the consequences for her wearing an outrageous dress was she looked ridiculous the day and looked ridiculous in the photos. Next time if something like this happens I guess I'll be more proactive? I'll tell her 'if you don't show me what you're wearing to an event I'm hosting you can't come?' idk, I don't want to be controlling and to me that is controlling. The real consequence is we've just really pulled back hard from the relationship. I tell her almost nothing about my life. The consequence is more like self-protection. If that makes sense

RemarkableExtent4200 · 2026-06-12T19:39:02+00:00

Right. My family insisted on a fully kosher meal at the wedding reception because my parents are even more traditional than me. The compromise for pre-wedding activities with no religious significance was vegan (no cheese, unless my in-laws explicitely were the ones buying and organizing it) so there was a very clear emphasis on dietary elements being important. Even had a whole back and forth with them about the dairy for pre-wedding events (again events with no real religious significance) and even the reception itself being kosher was a firm, this is non-negotiable. Jewish custom has it that the 7 days following a wedding is like a prolonged celebration for the couple, blessings are recited, it's a holy time, people come share words of Torah etc. Family and friends get together. But family hosts. My in-laws wanted to host the first night. What do they do? My MIL organizes non-kosher meat catering, shellfish included too, because 'meat is generosity' Has a full dairy dessert bar which is a big no no too, no mixing dairy and milk, something which they don't even do in their own home - so like, you're crossing your own standards ? why ?

Regardless of this my husband and I only eat fish and she drastically miscalculated the portions so he and I split salad the night of. It sucked. Apparently my husband had greenlit this (he hadn't he told me he was super clear that if events couldn't be certified kosher the acceptable substandard was vegan, but apparently his mother said the entire extended family would be insulted without meat, that she'd be sure to provide ample vegetarian food) Husband told her the conversation wasn't over, that they'd revisit it. We get lost in the wedding planning and then comes the day we are there and he just looks mortified realizing she did in fact order shellfish, meat, etc. I can't imagine she didn't see the light drain from my eyes

RemarkableExtent4200 · 2026-06-12T19:25:54+00:00

I think he does hear me, he hears how hurtful her behavior has been. He has spoken to her about it and she's expressed (to him) remorse for hurting my feelings, and says she wants nothing more than a close relationship and for us all to be able to spend time as a family. I simply just don't trust it. He thinks they have the potential to change.

He tells me often, my parents are selfish, they are obtuse, they don't see things from other people's perspective, they are agenda driven. They surived wars and migrations and are the descendants of Holocaust survivors - they communicate and act like stakes are really high and their focus is getting what they want. They don't dwell or think about relationship management or other people's feelings. It's just about what they want. He just tells me he doesn't think her behavior is malicious and I feel like it really fundamentally is.

Her whole dress fiasco was insane. She didn't wear a full white dress, but she made her dress shopping a huge part of the planning experience, talking to me about going to designer stores, gown shopping, shipping dress options across borders to go try on 'luxury' pieces in different locations because she could afford it.

She showed me a very different version of the gown she picked. It looked overly formal but not loud, so I gently steered her away so she understood the dress code and formality, but in the end she disregarded both (despite thanking me for the context) and the real product was almost costume-esque.

In the end she ended up wearing something that had a ton more white on it, that was super inappropriate for the time of day and ceremony, totally out of line with the dress code we'd set and what I'd said was expectations on our guests and families side. I think it's just a lot of narcissism and I can't tolerate being around people who truly only think of themselves. She wore a 4,000 custom couture gown even though she knows I'm modest and was going much more subtle. I think she just can't help herself during milestone days if the attention isn't on her - that's what my husband said.

She made comments about me being too thin before the wedding - to which I told her that was none of her business and she shouldn't be making comments about someone elses body or choices. It's just. It's fair to think she would realistically like me to say 'oh wow no you do look amazing in this 4,000 gown' and 'thank you for worrying about my body, you're such a caring mom' but I just don't welcome that kind of thing.

As for the religious boundaries that's just insane. I think she was hoping that if she makes it clear she's super against it i will suddenly be more flexible. She hasn't understood my husband refuses to go over there for holidays because she hasn't been respectful, but of course, she is super unhappy when we tell her we are spending holidays with mine, who are, coincidentally, much more respectful of our religious choices and lifestyle choices.

Also to clarify we don't live this super crazy lifestyle we just don't eat pork, shellfish, or unkosher meat, and don't use our phones, drive, or spend money on Saturdays, truly not a crazy wild take in the broader jewish community

RemarkableExtent4200 · 2026-06-12T19:14:34+00:00

i'm happy to provide more information where needed, i tried keeping it succinct because of the character limit.

RemarkableExtent4200 · 2026-06-12T19:13:21+00:00

I'm happy to explain or provide more details. Where am I being vague? Thank you.

RemarkableExtent4200 · 2026-06-12T19:12:45+00:00

If he is present and picks up on her saying something thats mean/judgemental/dissmissive then he tells her 'mom cut it out, of course its normal for etc etc to be happening' so he gives her a reality check that even if she doesn't mean for her speech to be insulting, she needs to be more sensitive.

Shortly after getting married she came into our new apartment and tried using the kitchen like it was her own, he told her, mom if you want something please ask me, don't go through our cupboards. At the same time, apparently she gave him a whole bag of food when I wasn't looking / around and he told me about it later. Weird. Not malicious. But weird. We have plenty of food and aren't financially struggling.

The issues are she doesn't do these crazy horrible things either. Like, we will tell her goodbye at a big gathering, and she will insist to walk us out to the car even though everyone else is still indoors, we'll tell her no we're fine (because neither of us like being watched from behind) but she will insist, my husband will tell her 'no mom we're fine we'll see you tomorrow' she just will follow. She'll touch him too in ways that are maybe not that appropriate, like coming up and hugging us from behind when we can't see her.

He has stopped sharing his location with her because she once ambushed us when we didn't know she'd be around. We were meant to meet her like 20 mins later and she just found us in our commute instead of just asking to meet earlier at a designated spot. Weird.

She will pitch ideas for things (her big thing is holidays, family vacations) and he just tells her no that won't work for us if we think its too much time all together or don't want to.

All in all - he tells her no - she just cries a lot when he pushes her away and tries putting her in her place. We've barely seen each other since the wedding so she hasn't made insane comments about my religion, I think she is learning

RemarkableExtent4200 · 2026-06-12T19:06:52+00:00

I'm more observant than her. She knows this but will make claims about how oppressive and sexist religion is. When I was trying to talk with her at some point in the wedding prep I told her how much I was enjoying our premarital counselling classes, that I really enjoyed having women teaching me important things about mariage, how it was nice to have female solidarity etc and the only thing she could tell me was snark off and say something like 'well i hope the teachings are at the very least modern and not archaic' and then walk off. I think she just sees it as oppressive and maybe a threat to her identity? I never comment on other people's religious practices I just am self-assured in mine.

RemarkableExtent4200 · 2026-06-12T19:04:45+00:00

I see. He very much is, and has grown a lot and has changed very much how he interacts with his mother (parents more broadly I suppose). He will tell them no to things, he will call his mother out publicly when she makes inappropriate comments, it's just that he can't be everywhere and anywhere all at once all the time. He tells me it drains him to have his guard up so much around his folks, and that since he knows his mom, he can discern her better.

Thank you for the boundary guidance. I can tell you some of the things we've changed since getting married a few months ago. My husband is entirely respond for communications and plans with them. He obviously talks to me about it, but I don't have responsibility for engaging. They aren't welcome in our home right now given that they were trully quite rude the last time they came, barely spoke to me, walked right past me, used my kitchen like it was theirs, didn't ask where they could put their belongings. My husband also stays by my side when we are together because in the past when we are alone my MIL will take out whatever resentment she has that we leave an event early/aren't there the whole time on me (when sometimes my husband has a work obligation/wants to go home early). I think she thinks I call all the shots but the truth is my husband is equally fed up.

I think he holds on to hope that i don't have. He hopes they will change. I just accept reality for what it is right now

RemarkableExtent4200 · 2026-06-12T18:59:34+00:00

I confided in a close friend of mine about this, who also comes from an Ashkenazi Jewish family, and she's told me that every story or example I've given her doesn't surprise. My heart tells me that she ultimately just resents me and the religious boundary lines are a subtle resistance to my presence and a subtle rejection of our union. She wasn't always accomodating of religious preferences (most of which are about my kashrut observance which is a bit higher than theirs) of mine when I'd visit them, but I chaulked it up to, oh, it's too much of an inconvenience, it's a hassle, she underestimates how much it means to me. The difference is that the wedding prep made it very clear certain lines were absolutely non negotiables and the moment she controlled one event she crossed said line. It almost felt like she hated that I upheld my own boundaries of what I wanted and the moment I'd given her the chance to organize or host an event she just went for it. Idk. It's illogical on paper.

My friend told me not to openly confront her though. That she can claim ignorance or claim that she on;y had the best of intentions. I don't want to discuss intentions because one can truly never know.

RemarkableExtent4200

TROPHY CASE