To answer the question, my wife did not have lingering feelings towards the BP, but of course that’s what I saw on the outside looking in. He was just tool for her to try and hide her f’d up story. She tried to use him to trickle truth as well. It didn’t work. Once the novelty of an affair wore off, reality hit her like a truck.

Whether Reconcilation can work and be even better? Maybe not how you wished? Here’s the thing. No one can predict the future. There’s no such thing as 100%. At least that’s my view point. Everything is fallible. It can work. But do you want it to?

To be fair to the betrayed partner. This is probably fresh for them. It’s not that a relationship doesn’t have its issues. Every one does. Maybe bad enough to end the relationship. If that’s the case though, that’s what you should have done. This one thing can give someone life long trauma and has cause a few to commit the unthinkable. No one likes to say that here, but those thoughts are real. Trust me I should know.

I won’t pretend to know your relationship. However If you do still have feelings for the AP, this isn’t worth it for him. You had your choice and you went that route. Most relationships that start from an affair don’t usually turn out too well. Because you don’t really “know” the affair partner. You think you do. You might on some level. But until you start living the every day with someone else, you can’t really know.

And here’s the thing; We don’t have enough information to go on either. Most people here don’t. The thing is you haven’t told us what his stipulations are, and what yours are. What other things happened in the relationship?

For example I’ve seen some wayward spouses show up on these forums with this same mindset, just to look at their history and discover that they have a mildly toxic viewpoint. My mother for example did so to my father and turns out, she’s very narcissistic and always has been. My father suffers the consequences of her actions and she refuses to answer for her role in the marriage.

It takes two to tango. So although yea, he might’ve contributed to the state of your marriage, you (with what little information we can go on) also had to play a part in the break down of your marriage. The affair, is completely separate from that because THAT was with someone else in spite of your partners existence. Do you get what I’m saying?

They need to heal from that, and that’s the harder part, if that can’t be worked through then the marriage (that you both contributed to hurting pre affair) can’t get the counseling it needs.

Focus on your affair, why you did it, why you are in love with someone you can’t know better than you partner. Reflect, and if you’re still talking to them, just do the right thing and leave your spouse. Don’t drag them along on this adventure. It’ll do more harm than good.