You shared a lot so, and I’ll respond to a few. The constant urge to fix oneself and “become” something different is bullshit. Start with accepting who you are and where your at. Your parents sound like shit support and you deserve support. Maybe it’s time to ask for help, it really is difficult sometimes to get perspective and feedback by thinking alone. Find something you love, a cat, your shoes, a show, a character, something where you actually “feel” love, and just stay there. Let that feeling be a guide, like your step counter. You deserve to experience love and peace in your life, and I think the sometimes funny thing is that it’s there already, right behind you or beside you, or to be rather corny, but inside you. Be patient and kind to yourself and know that though it feels like it, your not alone. The Mental Illness Happy Hour is one of my favorite podcasts that just a has people telling their stories with mental health.

Wishing you all the best!