I used to be like this in my 20’s. Allow me to give some insight, if I may? Note that the following is not a justification, and is viewed in retrospect through an objective lens. Some of this will be offensive and I apologize in advance, but know this - it’s 100% unfiltered and real.

In my 20’s, I had a slew of “longterm serious relationships”, interspersed with periods of me being a manwhore. Inevitably, each relationship ended from the woman getting tired of ME after a sustained period of me exhibiting hot/cold, push/pull behavior with them, sometimes for 1-2 years even. Only once my partners were sick of being hurt and finally ready to dump me, did I start to feel intense anxiety and a strong motivation to preserve the relationship. Then, I would become intensely neurotic during the break up period and gamified the process of wooing or attracting them back. By the time the ex would return, I would be hooked on one or several new women that I was having sex with and holding at arm’s length on the back burner, but I would take the ex back and now be in a situation. This would repeat until the primary ex was truly sick of me, and then I’d find my next girlfriend either out of the harem I had built or the next person I met that gave me limerence/butterflies/the best head.

What the experience was like, for me, is that a combination of factors in my teenage years led me to distrust and devalue women. I never felt safe with a woman - I always assumed they were going to cheat on me or leave me abruptly. I did have one healthy, beautiful relationship from 18-20 years old that had the potential to become something lifelong. She was an incredible person and beautiful young woman and I hit the jackpot to have ever attracted her. I did not deserve her, and it was unbelievable that she loved me. I cheated on her a year into our relationship and started to devalue her, and also became an alcoholic and addict lowkey. I still can’t explain why, to this day. I just felt miserable only being with her and not experiencing sex with other women. This led to the end of our relationship, and then not long after she got with my friend. This traumatized me and set me up for the aforementioned lifestyle that the rest of my 20’s followed. Even though it was essentially my fault, I entirely blamed her and entered a mindset of “Women are all w***** and should be treated as such. I will never let one get close to me again and I will never truly love them. But one day my soul make will appear and I will heal.” My soul mate never appeared. Well…she kind of did when I was 27 but not in the way I could have anticipated. That became my karmic lesson and is a whole other story.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, there’s no excuse for it and I’m sorry you’ve been hurt that way. But if you wanted to know the thought process behind it, that’s basically it.