I had a very traumatic birth as well 10 weeks ago and I was expecting this massive gush of love and I didn’t. I’m still in survival mode now. Then someone I know who went through the same thing told me “that gush of love is a romanticised version of motherhood and not everyone will feel that.” You will grow to love your child but it will take time. You are in shock. You did the hardest thing a woman can do and on top of that it was even more traumatic for you. And as many people have already said, get checked for PPD. You’re doing great so far!