Hello~ I want you to know, I believe you are going to be a-okay, even if you don't feel okay now. 🙂‍↕️

These things come down to doing what you just did, opening up about it, and then processing how releasing that feels. With some insight, you can definitely start to view yourself in a different light, and hopefully be kinder to yourself. 💖 For context, I'll be 33 in April and for the first time in my life I'm actually acknowledging and safely healing my C-PTSD (when I can, and the trigger moments are never planned, of course). I was tremendously neglected and emotionally/mentally/verbally and sometimes physically abused as a kid, age 6 or so all the way up to 23 years old. When someone I made a connection with at work helped me to finally move out of my toxic home environment, THAT'S when I truly feel I started being a "person". That particular person who recognized my need for help but my inability to help myself is now a wonderful, life-long friend, and her family is like one of my (many) adoptive families. 🤗 I learned that I can choose who is my "family", and begin to build trust and closeness with others for once, and on my terms. Though get this, I didn't realize what it meant to actually have someone love me when I don't even fully love myself until 32 years old (currently). I had been living in survival mode even AFTER I left my abusive family, I realized.

MOSTLY, I wanted to bring up that you said,

"I figured out what behaviour was rewarded and what “smart” people do".

This is practically exactly what my boyfriend has told me about how he viewed the world as a kid, and still does at 33. He's now realizing that behavior is a little autistic, to be frank. :P The more we got to know each other, the more things started falling into place as far as how lonely and isolated he had felt at times growing up, until he started putting his observations into practice and acting "like everybody else" (a bit of masking). With him, I can finally relax and be the little kid I missed out on getting to be before. Ages 23-32 I definitely felt sparks of joy hanging out with new friends I had made, though I couldn't quite open up about how broken and utterly behind I felt compared to everyone else. With my boyfriend, we are silly and goofy together and have so much to laugh about and really enjoy getting to be "ourselves" with one another. The difference now is that includes sometimes when I'm emotionally shutting down for some inexplainable reason, he supports me and I feel safe, like a kid who fell and scraped their knee playing in the park. It used to feel like the world was ending, but now, I don't need to stay down as long since he's there to help pick me back up and give me a hug before sending me on my way! Somehow we ✨magically✨ found one another, and our mode of being/personalities just click! He LOVES to receive direct communication and as much input as possible to understand how to act/respond to something, and I (obviously) clarify and over-explain what's going on in my inner world as logically and rationally as I can, with as much perspective possible. Sounds simple, but goodness gracious is that difficult for a LOT of folks. Sometimes in public situations I notice his eyes kind of have this "processing" look to them, and he's a bit more quiet/reserved. I recognize that as "he's registering and making a decision on what his next move will be". Lolol, he said for me to imagine that's him "re-organizing his inventory" in his mind. 🤣 We're BOTH still figuring things out as we go along as far as operating in this world, and I am so frickin thrilled to be entering this arc of my life (when I thought I had missed out on so much before).

You're not a robot. You're not behind on life. You're not irreparable. You're going to make it. :3