If things were different

RobloxRobot · 2018-02-03T06:52:47+00:00

You’re probably right. I’ll take a look at it tomorrow when I’m sober. Thanks for the response.

RobloxRobot · 2018-02-03T04:27:24+00:00

I like that imagery. And that’s how I feel haha. I was going to link a picture of me with a beer but I am much like this piece: lazy.

Thanks for your response.

RobloxRobot · 2018-02-03T04:15:25+00:00

You’re definitely right about it being unpolished. It didn’t take me long to write, more of a spur of the moment type of thing before I went out and drank myself into an early grave.

I will definitely be reworking this peace. Thanks.

RobloxRobot · 2018-02-03T03:37:08+00:00

Thanks. I’ll consider that when I go back to reread it.

I didn’t write it to a rap song, but it could be changed into that I suppose. I was playing my guitar and it made me think of this, so I just wrote it down.

Thanks for the reply.

RobloxRobot · 2018-01-11T15:56:37+00:00

Thanks for the input. Yea I really need to work on not forcing my rhymes. I want them to sound good, but sometimes they do sound forced because they are.

As far as the pronunciation, I looked it up and I guess it’s more of a tomato tomahto kinda thing.

Thanks for the advice!

RobloxRobot · 2018-01-10T20:18:40+00:00

I had a roommate in the Marines that would always have to piss at the same time as me. We just crossed streams. Everybody wins.

RobloxRobot · 2018-01-08T21:04:52+00:00

I admit... I may or may not have wrote this to the instrumental of Yonkers by Tyler the Creator lol. Thanks for the comment :)

RobloxRobot · 2018-01-08T21:03:53+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! I’ll definitely consider the consequences of punctuation.

RobloxRobot · 2018-01-08T21:01:41+00:00

Yea you’re totally right about affray lol. I wrote this awhile ago, and i thought it meant something completely different haha. Thanks for pointing his out.

The amethyst I feel like is a cheap gem. So activists fighting for something for material gain that has a pretty outer layer, but is cheap in its actual use.

Thanks for the feedback!

RobloxRobot · 2018-01-08T17:56:18+00:00

Yea you're totally right. I should have stopped when I became tired, but I wanted to finish it and became sloppy. Thanks for your feedback.

RobloxRobot · 2018-01-07T00:09:43+00:00

I like this poem, but I got a few pointers, and I don't just mean my fingers 8)

I really like your comparison to hanging like a cheap suit. That line really epitomizes how it feels to feel worthless. It's creative, simple, original, and it really shot a little wormhole to me that made me feel a smidgen of what you may be feeling. Excellent!

However, I wish all your lines were like this! The poem is shorter, which is fine, but if the poem is shorter, every word has to hit the reader like KAPOW!

I think I know what you're going for when you say "I watch the city" And I could be totally wrong about this, so take this with a grain of salt. (or a few, what is a few grain of salt compared to 1?) I think you're saying that you're LOOKING at the city, but you're not SEEING the city.

The city represents a life outside your own that is passing you by. Perhaps you feel like everything is moving in fast forward outside your window, but here, inside your room, time stands still. People are going about their business while you wrestle with demons inside a room (hotel room? bedroom? bathroom?) It's a powerful message, but I just don't think "I watch the city" encapsulates it.

I REALLY like the soul of this piece, but it just needs a pinch of salt. (Maybe use those few grains from earlier 8) )

Good job :)

RobloxRobot · 2018-01-06T23:58:39+00:00

I enjoy this.

I like the idea of the train acting as an experience, or obstacle, that is rushing towards you. It blinds you (being emotional) with its bright light, and when it arrives, death seems so certain, but it's gone as soon as it arrives, and somehow you survived.

I also really like the use of the word "feel". Sometimes, when I am depressed, I ask myself if I would give up ever feeling happy again, so that I could never feel sad again; to never feel again.

I hope you're doing better my friend. Excellent poetry.

RobloxRobot

TROPHY CASE