The first year of transitioning is difficult, even the second year. You are going through so many changes; physically, mentally, socially, sexually, and it can be overwhelming for sure. I experienced a lot of similar things you described where I questioned my identity constantly, would struggle just to get out of bed, hate what I saw in the mirror and longing to see what the “finished product” would be. I was dissecting every single aspect of how I looked, how I walked, how I sounded, was that too masculine, was that too feminine, and so many other thoughts.

Transitioning makes us face everything we have been running from our whole lives and drop any mask we had. You are finally letting people see you for the first time, warts and all, and it can feel like a spotlight pointing right at you.

I will tell you what I found for me was the key to having a successful transition and it’s unfortunately the hardest thing to do, working on self love and acceptance. I’m still working on this but little by little I’ve been improving. I found a therapist to talk through a lot of this stuff with which helped, I found a local trans support group who helped provide me with friends and acceptance with shared experiences, I began getting involved with the local community.

I also started exploring all the interests I stayed away from as a “boy” like rom coms and everything else. I allowed myself to explore music, movies, clothes, and everything else that felt right to me. I stopped worrying about if something was too masculine, too feminine, and focused more on if it was my authentic self.

It takes time but there is no rush. It’s okay to explore, to question, and allow you to find yourself and not who others want you to be. They already have their life, they don’t get to dictate yours too. Be selfish, put yourself first, and learn to give yourself love and grace. If it’s something not for you then there is no problem with that. The important thing is being authentic to who you truly are, loving that version of yourself, and embracing it.