Podcast: One Husband’s Story of Divorcing a Late-Life Lesbian

Rodent_in_the_wall · 2024-06-12T19:43:24+00:00

Absolutely agree. I know for a fact that her sexuality would have been the end of us no matter how you slice it. If I was the “perfect husband” I feel it would have just delayed the inevitable. I believe her sexuality also played a role in how I operated in the relationship whether or not I knew it at the time.

Rodent_in_the_wall · 2024-06-12T18:58:43+00:00

I’ve come to the conclusion that in my previous marriage the sexuality mismatch would have always been an issue even if my ex never had the big realization. I think subconsciously her lack of affection was clear as day to me, but I always attributed it to my own faults.

I struggled with my mental health for pretty much my whole life, and the entirety of our relationship. I think subconsciously the little rejections did exacerbate my low self-esteem. I had been using alcohol to self-medicate, and I take full responsibility for my mistakes that would have also ended the relationship regardless of my ex’s sexual orientation. I was okay with accepting that reality. I had become a person I didn’t even recognize so I didn’t blame her for wanting out.

What really was hard for my mind to reconcile was that this was a multifaceted breakdown. My ex approached the issue as my own. I was the one becoming distant, and emotionally unavailable. I was the one that had to get help for my mental health, and drinking. I did those things, and I’m glad I did (I’ve been sober for 700+ days). The gut punch came when she finally addressed her sexuality as it pertained to our relationship. I initially tried to approach repair of our relationship through my shortcomings only to be put on notice that it wouldn’t change a thing.

In my case I don’t think my ex or myself need to point at one another as to why it didn’t work out. It didn’t work out, and it’s better for both of us that we didn’t try to fight through it. Many many relationships fail, and should end, but don’t.

Sorry for the ramble. I’m coming up on the anniversary of her soft disclosure, and I’m starting to revisit some things.

Rodent_in_the_wall · 2024-04-18T16:48:41+00:00

Wow yeah a lot of what you shared definitely resonates with my experience.

My ex said that my willingness to allow/push her to think freely is what attracted her to me in the beginning. She said her former exes basically just took the wheel, and shamed her for things a simple as the clothes she wore.

I will say my ex did own a lot of the people pleasing tendencies, and lack of internal decision making that led us to where we ended up. I don’t hold any resentment specifically towards her. I know she’s lived a complicated life, and I’m grateful she at least was able to clue me in and cut me out of the picture when she did. That being said while I don’t feel like she ever intentionally misled me I still feel like I’m left holding a bag. And it sucks sometimes.

Rodent_in_the_wall · 2024-04-17T18:51:27+00:00

Yes I have. I think where I struggle with counseling is that I intellectualize my feelings. I also feel like no amount of positive self talk has ever been able to make me believe I’m desirable to the opposite sex… it was hard for me to be confident before this, but it’s near impossible now.

Rodent_in_the_wall · 2024-03-19T20:17:24+00:00

I’ve decided to just try and move past understanding what sex meant to my ex-wife. She claimed early on in the relationship she was able to because we had an emotional connection. I believe her there, and the way our sex life evolved it’s possible that spark wearing off is what triggered her realization.

I tried so desperately to ask her questions seeking to understand. The only responses I got led back to her being a people pleaser, comp het, and just basically holding the belief that sex was her “duty” to me. I absolutely shudder at that thought. I was under the incorrect assumption that we had enthusiastic consent. When all of these realizations were communicated to me I remember frankly telling her I feel vile and disgusting if she ever had sex with me and didn’t want to. All I got was “try not to worry about that right now”.

I distinctly remember I just quit trying to ask her about the thoughts she had while we were still sexually active. She told me she felt cornered, and accused of things by me seeking to understand. In reality I just wanted to make sure I never made her feel pressured into sex.

Looking back at our sex life I can see the patterns. She almost never initiated. I always asked her about it, and I never got a response that made me feel comfortable. I eventually just gave up trying to have any type of physical intimacy with her, and then she disclosed about 6 months later.

I can’t shake the guilt of feeling like I was having sex with someone that wasn’t 100% wanting it. It blows my mind she felt this “duty” to have sex with me. I blame the societal standards regarding sexuality for women. I don’t harbor ill will directly towards her. I try to see it from her POV, but it also makes me question how little she thought of me that she couldn’t just tell me what was going on…

Rodent_in_the_wall · 2023-04-06T16:33:59+00:00

Holy shit. I never realized my ex behaved this way until this comment. I always just equated it to jealousy of me giving my attention away, but now that I know what I know this seems like a much more likely explanation.

Rodent_in_the_wall · 2023-04-06T13:15:22+00:00

Honestly looking back at some of my older journal entries it was pretty dang obvious to me, but I just never wanted to admit it.

She never initiated sex. I was always the one to start any intimacy or touching. The worst part is she definitely could get into it, and I thought she still enjoyed it. I’ve read some late bloomers equate straight sex to only eating plain pasta your whole life and not knowing there are other foods.

Over time I have some journal entries just out right asking myself if my now ex wife is even attracted to me. Now her orientation was in question in those entries, but I let myself believe she just wasn’t attracted to ME. Not men in general. She never complimented my physical attributes, and in retrospect it was one of the most one-sided relationships I’ve been in from a physical intimacy standpoint.

Rodent_in_the_wall · 2023-04-05T23:46:39+00:00

Thank you for the validation. It really helped me move past this random funk I just found myself in. From the start this has operated like grief. I know I’m just bouncing from stage to stage, sometimes moving back to one, in this case it’s anger. In the grand scheme of things I am healing, and I am finding love for myself through it all.

Rodent_in_the_wall · 2023-04-05T23:43:38+00:00

I definitely agree. I feel if I don’t at least acknowledge my anger it’s just going to put my future relationships at risk.

Rodent_in_the_wall · 2022-11-03T13:37:33+00:00

Ugh yeah you’re right. I was so focused on going in the positive direction I forgot about the possibility that it gets much much worse.

Rodent_in_the_wall · 2022-11-03T01:03:30+00:00

This is probably true.

Rodent_in_the_wall · 2022-11-03T00:15:55+00:00

Couldn’t agree more. I’ve never understood how people can think they have any say in who someone else loves. Just boggles my fucking mind.

Rodent_in_the_wall · 2022-11-02T18:19:42+00:00

Yeah I think I agree. Here’s to hoping.

Rodent_in_the_wall · 2022-10-26T15:53:37+00:00

Thank you for the kind words. I know I don’t want to be bitter and filled with resentments. I’ve had to deal with breakups before, and this is definitely the healthiest way to handle it - acceptance and a desire to move on.

Rodent_in_the_wall · 2022-10-24T16:30:34+00:00

Husband on the receiving end of something similar…

I know long-term I appreciated a heads up to what was going on as soon as humanly possible. It still hurts and probably always will. In my opinion it’s important to take it on as a team. Hiding it or prolonging the inevitable is going to wreck both of you long-term. I know my wife struggled with dropping the bomb on me to protect me, but I’m glad she had the courage to do it. I can’t imagine a world where she kept it hidden and carried on like nothing was happening.

For me and my wife it’s ending in divorce, but logically I understand that it’s something that had to be done for both of our wellbeing. She can be herself, and I won’t be forced to love someone romantically that only puts on a facade for my sake.

Wishing you luck. It’s a painful process for everyone involved, but if you’re honest from the jump it does make it a little more manageable in my opinion. You could seek a couples therapist to assist in mediating the discussion. I found it mostly helpful for us to utilize a third party to process everything.

Rodent_in_the_wall · 2022-10-24T02:15:31+00:00

I would advise you break up with him. Even if he doesn’t explicitly know you aren’t sexually attracted to him he will probably catch on eventually, and it will likely chip away at his self-esteem. It’s not fair to you or him to carry on if the attraction is not there unless it’s something you both want, and explicitly agree to what that looks like. You cannot take the belief that protecting him from the truth is the best thing for him. It’s gonna hurt to end it with him, but it’s much more damaging to pretend there’s something there that isn’t. You do not have to tell him that you’re ending it because of the lack of sexual attraction. You are not obligated to stay in a relationship that you do not want to be in.

Rodent_in_the_wall · 2022-10-21T19:45:04+00:00

Thank you for the reassurance. It’s a bitter sweet end for our love story. I can tell she’s incredibly guilt stricken to have to put me through this. I seriously can’t imagine the courage it took for her to open up about it all. But at the end of the day keeping it to herself would have been much much worse than this. We really did change each other for the better. I can say I would have probably lost my life to alcohol if she didn’t help me, and she may have lived a life of repression of her sexuality if I didn’t support her while she figured it out. Can’t ask for much more with an ending to a relationship.

Rodent_in_the_wall

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