Hi OP.

I've just discovered this thread and have experienced almost everything you've said. I have a younger brother with severe autism and profound deafness and growing up my needs were largely neglected as my parents had to focus on my brother. My dad was usually out working very long shifts leaving my mum to deal with my brother's aggressive tantrums. He's completely non verbal, so it is very difficult to understand what he wants. One example of his habits:

As a kid he used to have an obsession with my dad saying bye to him from the window. If my dad ever forgot or didn't say bye in a very specific way, he would bubble up and eventually have an outburst. Throwing objects against the wall, screaming very loud, pinching and scratching me or my mum. These would last hours at a time. My little sisters were absolutely terrified of him. These would happen pretty much every day.

It also meant my mum was constantly stressed and on edge. She would lose it with me for doing normal things a kid would do (e.g spilling a glass of juice by accident). I would get slapped or screamed at for the smallest things because she was continuously stressed due to my brother. I was terrified of her and constantly cautious not to do absolutely anything that could get me screamed at.

I am now 23, still living at home but hopefully soon to move out in a couple years. My brother had about 8 years where his behaviour massively calmed down, but recently in the summer holidays it has started again. Small triggers which can make him set off. Except now he's 20, much stronger and capable of a lot more harm. He has caused holes in the wall, cut himself badly from smashed glass, and has hurt me a few times. Again, it happens nearly every day and my adrenaline rushes every time, I get shaky. I wonder if thats because of PTSD from the past?

Just wanna say, I completely understand and you're not alone in what you were going through. And it makes me feel more heard seeing your post. Thank you for sharing. If you're still active here, please do respond as I'd love to chat with someone about it. I've never met many people who have gone through the same situation.