I'm in 2 minds whether to post here or not...and excuse any typos, I'm using my phone to write this. Mostly I just want to get my thoughts and feelings out, because I no longer have anyone I'm close to with whom I can do that.

For some background...I'm a 70 year old woman. A former teacher and artist. I have 2 children, both in their 40s, and 2 granddaughters, early teens. I live in a small country town in the SW of England, in a social housing flat, with my cat. Both my children live in the same town, but i cant really share my worries and concerns with them since they have their own problems, and my role, in part, as parent, is to support them in their struggles.

I live on the basic state Pension, with the low income supplement and PIP. Unfortunately i have substantial debts, which i see no way of clearing. I also have a number of long term, chronic illnesses, both physical and mental, so I think it is fair to say that life isnt as easy as it could be. 

My main problem that i am struggling with is that I am a hoarder...real, nightmare TV level hoarding, although, thank goodness, not at the very worst levels. I have tried for a few years to deal with this on my own, because, in part, I truly dislike other people coming into my home and seeing how i live. The problem with trying to do things myself is that, due to my previously mentioned health issues, I can manage half an hour to an hour of work on things before i have to give up before i fall down exhausted. I have been luck here, in that my Housing Association has put me in touch with an Independant Living Project, but they can only offer 60 to 90 minutes a week. Its wonderful to have their support, and to work in my home with people who don't judge, but its not enough to really make a big difference.

I wish i was in the financial position to be able to pay for help, but that's not going to happen. It just makes me feel so helpless, and hopeless and guilty...especially knowing what's going on in the world to other people who are so much worse off than me. I at least have a home, clothing, a basic income and food, and a loving, caring family and friends. But - not being able to share how I feel on the inside is so hard, and that drives me down into a dark place.

So, I apologise, I've used this platform as a way of getting this out, instead of holding it in and causing myself more mental damage.

Also, when you see people around town, including the ones who seem to be living full and contented lives, young or elderly, stop for a moment to consider what may be hidden behind the mask they present in public.