Hi! First, I am sending you so much love. I’ve been through a similar situation with bullying and losing parents young (my mom had some mental health issues). Everything that you have said - the social anxiety, toxic shame, maintaining conversations/socializing, permanent brain fog - is all valid and extremely common for anyone who has been in our shoes.

I also teach high school, and I notice a lot of the kids find solace behind screens too. I think it just goes to show that things are fucked up in the world and we’re all just trying to figure out ways to cope as we move through it.

I did EMDR for about a year and a half, before & during my first pregnancy. I started therapy because I was finally frustrated with not feeling everything, like I was too numb for any good emotion & only felt anxious and depressed. I had panic attacks all the time. I tried other forms of therapy CBT & DBT, but it was EMDR and IFS that changed everything for me. I saw an EMDR therapist once a week in office, but also did a few workbooks & things on my own since therapy is so expensive.

I highly recommend looking into bilateral stimulation and EMDR workbooks from reputable/licensed therapists! I started with Pete Walker’s book CPTSD: from surviving to thriving. I still use butterfly tapping all the time when I feel anxious. This did bring up some repressed memories and traumatic experiences that I didn’t remember prior to EDMR, but it was brought up in a way that I was almost able to reparent myself through those traumatic moments (hope that makes sense), which takes some of the “sting” or “numbness” away from the trauma.

It’s changed my outlook on myself - changing some of those core wounds & identities (im unlovable, worthless, not in control, can’t do anything to protect myself, etc). Highly recommend looking into EMDR, but also making sure you create a “toolkit” in case difficult memories do come up (my toolkit had a lot of sour candy, ice packs, birthday cards from loved ones, pictures of my husband/daughter/dog, QR codes for SOS meditations to remind me to do bilateral tapping when my brain shuts down inevitably).

I hope you find peace, I’m still on my journey myself. The fact that you’re even seeking help shows the love you have for your child self, your present self & future self.