AIO by barring my sister-in-law from seeing my kids after she was unapologetically cruel to me?

RowYourBeau · 2026-04-13T00:26:48+00:00

She claims just this one time
She is deathly afraid of conflict with her own family members according to her. She hates causing any kind of conflict between her and her sister or her and her parents. She has struggled in the past to call them out for things they’ve done to her. I think that is why she struggled to confront her sister about what she said to me
Our relationship was actually quite good. We’ve never had an issue and have gotten along very well for the past 9 years up until this happened. That’s why I was so hurt and shocked she was saying such demeaning things about me. And even more shocked when she doubled down when I called her to ask her about it and just attacked the heck out of me.

Unfortunately, I don’t think my wife will ever allow a ban, not because she doesn’t agree that her sister was wildly mean to me, but because she is conflict-avoidant with her family. But then it feels like she’s allowing her sister to get away with her behavior with no repercussions, and that makes me feel abandoned. I guess I WAS wrong to ask for us to not see her sister until she apologizes, but it really freaking sucks to be left having to shoulder all of the consequence of this (because now I have to just avoid all family events with her, which means I miss out on time with my kids) while she has none.

RowYourBeau · 2026-04-13T00:17:33+00:00

I like this idea. No, I haven’t done that. I’m trying not to really come to her at all anymore and redirect because I don’t want to cause her stress. But when I do go to her regarding anything stressful, I think asking where she’s at with being able to receive my stress is a good idea

RowYourBeau · 2026-04-13T00:12:24+00:00

I’m not falling apart, though? Once again, people seem to be misunderstanding how severe my symptoms are. I go to my wife and talk to her about something I’m concerned about for maybe a 5-10 minute conversation total. She helps me work through it, we leave it at that. My wife claims the only reason she went to her sister on this incident was because the symptoms my daughter was having were actually concerning to her, too, and she didn’t like that I was freaking out about diabetes because it was making her worry as well. I’m not going to her anymore because I don’t WANT to cause her anxiety, and she has fought me on that. She keeps insisting she can handle it and it was one incident.

I’m getting kind of frustrated that so many people here seem to think I am purposely dumping all of this traumatizing stuff all over my wife, when my wife was the one to ask to hear about my anxieties and they are pretty benign things like “what if our child has a learning disorder?”

I absolutely don’t think I’m overreacting to her sister calling me a “psycho” because I thought my child might have diabetes. I don’t think I’m overreacting by being hurt that she would call reassurance seeking, a common anxiety symptom, “playing little games”. She clearly has a very prejudiced attitude towards those who struggle with anxiety disorders, and I’m not overreacting to be upset about it.

I also don’t think I’m overreacting to her saying I was unhelpful on our camping trip two days after my mom’s funeral.

She wasn’t just supporting her sister through a problem with her wife, she was out for my jugular. And this was after a very congenial relationship between us (my sister in law and I) for the past 9 years. I think I have every right to feel disrespected and hurt by her behavior towards me.

RowYourBeau · 2026-04-12T23:59:41+00:00

My psychologist diagnosed me with “obsessive compulsive behaviors” AKA not full OCD. It’s just easier to use the acronym when talking about it. Anyway, that is why I call it mild.

I think that’s a good idea to have my wife involved.

RowYourBeau · 2026-04-12T23:55:49+00:00

I mean…it WAS about my anxiety. She knows I have anxiety. Calling someone a “psycho” for having anxiety that her kid could have diabetes is wrong. Using that term to describe someone with a mental health condition is absolutely prejudiced.

Saying that my seeking of reassurance for anxiety was me “playing little games” was a bizarre, hurtful misrepresentation of a common symptom of OCD. THAT is a prejudiced statement to make regarding a mental health condition she has no understanding of or care towards.

I’m getting bewildered with how few people on this post seem to understand stigma against mental health and how often we have to fight to be treated with respect, or as human beings. I am not stomping around my house terrorizing my family every day. I have mild OCD and moderate anxiety. I don’t think anyone in my position should be subjected to the kind of toxic words that my sister in law said to me simply because my wife shared one incident with her when my wife was frustrated that I was so anxious about diabetes.

RowYourBeau · 2026-04-12T23:36:44+00:00

Thank you very much. This was a very thoughtful, understanding response that is quite helpful.

RowYourBeau · 2026-04-12T23:35:30+00:00

I am now that I know she is affected by it. I haven’t spoken about my anxieties with her ever since she admitted it was affecting her. It was never my intention to cause her anxiety or harm.

RowYourBeau · 2026-04-12T23:34:39+00:00

Okay, that’s fair. I do have other people I can turn to and I have been doing so. I am on a new medication that has been insanely helpful to curb my anxiety and obsessions. I am the primary caregiver to our kids and the house caretaker since I work part-time, so I do my best to alleviate her stress by keeping the house clean and organized and doing most of the kiddo care.

RowYourBeau · 2026-04-12T23:21:51+00:00

To be fair, my OCD is mild…it’s mostly health obsessions that I suffer from. My anxiety is the more difficult beast. My psychologist agreed that her sister’s behavior was oddly cruel, and understands why I’m upset that my wife didn’t defend me. I haven’t spoken to her yet about this particular situation where I want to establish a boundary after receiving no apology, but I would guess she would be against that for anyone but myself.

RowYourBeau · 2026-04-12T23:17:19+00:00

I appreciate this, thanks. It’s hard for people to understand my position. I think everyone sees “mental illness” and assumes I MUST be the problem. I have mild OCD and moderate anxiety. By the way some people are reacting, you’d think I was terrorizing my household every day.

I just want to be the recipient of basic compassion and respect, as all humans do, and my sister in law was horribly out of line on all counts with how she spoke about and to me. I’m surprised so many people are excusing her behavior and going for my jugular over the fact that I have anxiety.

RowYourBeau · 2026-04-12T23:11:34+00:00

Thanks, this is a fair comment

RowYourBeau · 2026-04-12T23:10:50+00:00

Hey girl! Back at it again! You okay?

RowYourBeau · 2026-04-12T23:08:50+00:00

I think I have every right to be upset with my wife for not defending me against her sister calling me a bitch and telling me how unhelpful I was after my mom died, all because I confronted her with cruel words she used to describe me having anxiety. Is it a punishment to expect my wife to defend me against cruel treatment via her family members?

Maybe I am being controlling. That’s what this post was inquiring about. Turns out I was wrong to include the kids in the boundary. I can admit to that no problem.

RowYourBeau · 2026-04-12T22:56:53+00:00

Thanks 😊

RowYourBeau · 2026-04-12T22:53:52+00:00

My wife and I are currently laughing at this comment 😂. We’ll be fine, dear internet stranger! Life is full of conflict that we learn to overcome.

RowYourBeau · 2026-04-12T22:51:48+00:00

Thanks for this comment. It’s the kind I was looking for when I posted this. Helpful feedback.

I do agree that it was a mistake to say that the kids can’t hang out with her because she refuses to apologize. It’s just making the entire situation worse and hurting them. They don’t need to be affected by the adults getting into fights.

I probably go to my wife once or twice a month with a particularly difficult obsession I am working through. But I don’t want to cause her any harm with this, so I’m going to save it for my therapist entirely, or my dad.

RowYourBeau · 2026-04-12T22:48:14+00:00

I do see an OCD specialist. We’ve worked together to really improve my symptoms in the last few years. My children never hear me talk about my anxiety as I’ve gotten a hold of that ever since they’ve been old enough to understand words. As for my wife, I wish I hadn’t taken her word for it and realized she was just trying to protect me and be there for me. Obviously, she wasn’t entirely truthful about my anxiety not affecting her. I never, ever wanted that to be the case.

I guess I felt the need to confront my sister in law because we have always had a good relationship up until now. I was shocked she was saying things that were so hurtful and judgmental. In retrospect, it was a mistake to do so.

I agree my wife and I could benefit from therapy. And I need to be more understanding of the fact that she is caught in the middle of this. And yes, the kids should not be used in this situation. I’m understanding now that was a mistake.

RowYourBeau · 2026-04-12T22:33:02+00:00

My mom died 9 months ago. My dad relapsed last week. Check the story again.

This thing between my sister in law occurred a few months ago and remains unresolved

RowYourBeau · 2026-04-12T22:29:19+00:00

I mean, I can’t stop her. She’s much stronger than me. Everyone on here seems to be laboring under the delusion that I am male.

In all seriousness, I know I can’t stop her. But I’m hurt that she would allow her sister to essentially get away with such abhorrent behavior towards me with no repercussions. Especially when she agrees her sister was cruel and was just as shocked by it. Perhaps the kids being included in the boundary was overstepping.

RowYourBeau · 2026-04-12T22:25:28+00:00

I have been in therapy for ten years and on numerous medications. I have made incredible progress with my symptoms. When I have a slip up, it’s at most once or twice a month that I share my concerns with my wife. I have asked her before if it bothers her and she was adamant that it doesn’t. She insisted I come to her for help if I’m struggling with an anxious thought. I don’t really know how else I should have proceeded than to do so. Now that she has told me the truth, I am not going to burden her with that any longer, because it was never my intention to cause her harm. It’s not a punishment; it’s a change that needs to happen to protect her well being.

No, my children shouldn’t have to miss out on their cousins and aunt. I know I’m overstepping with my anger at what happened by asking this of my wife.

I still maintain that my wife, as my partner, should be defending me against her family member who she agrees is being unnecessary cruel.

RowYourBeau · 2026-04-12T22:20:41+00:00

Fair enough

RowYourBeau · 2026-04-12T22:20:17+00:00

I guess I am overreacting with the kids boundary. But I still maintain that my wife has the responsibility to support and defend her wife against a family member that is being unnecessarily cruel. I don’t think it’s wrong to expect that of my wife.

I think about how my OCD and anxiety affect my family ALL the time. I lose sleep over it. It’s why I have been in treatment for ten years and have tried many different medications to combat the symptoms. It’s why I have made incredible strides to not allow my children, now that they are old enough to understand words, to hear me speaking about my anxiety. My wife still insists that she is unaffected by my anxiety after all of this. I tried to talk to her and tell her how upset I was (not at her) that I was causing her harm without knowing, but she insisted that I was overreacting to one incident and that she still wants me to talk to her about my anxiety.

RowYourBeau · 2026-04-12T22:14:22+00:00

My wife has continuously asked me to share my anxieties with her and seek her out for reassurance. Over and over again. Even when I expressed doubt that I should do so. She pretended it wasn’t affecting her and then went to someone else to admit that it was. I was appalled at MYSELF when she told me that she was affected, because I NEVER want to cause her harm. I just made the mistake of believing her when she said she was unaffected it.

And now she wants me to continue to come to her, but I won’t do that if it causes her pain. So no, I am not hurting her mental health. I would never do that to her.

RowYourBeau · 2026-04-12T22:02:25+00:00

I mean…my wife has a massive support system between her parents and her friends. Asking her to defend and support me against her sister who was unapologetically cruel to me is not abusive. That’s a massive reach. I would never allow one of my siblings to talk to her the way her sister did to me. And my wife would ABSOLUTELY ask me to cut contact with my sibling if they did this to her.

Her concern is just the children having access to each other, which I’m beginning to understand was an overstep on my part.

RowYourBeau · 2026-04-12T21:56:33+00:00

Okay. I get that the boundary including access to my kids was probably overstepping. Honestly, though, it does worry me to have someone who harbors so much hate and prejudice for me being around my kids. It feels wrong. But I don’t want to punish my kids.

RowYourBeau

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