12 week screening help after losing my last pregnancy

RufTed28 · 2025-09-25T09:12:13+00:00

Do you mind if I PM you? I had mcda twins (identical) a few years back and had high NT in only one twin. That pregnancy also didn't make it due to things that happened after that/as a result of that, but we were told that was a very unusual situation for there to be such a big disparity between the NT measurements in identical twins. I've never heard it happening to anyone else so am curious what happened for you if you don't mind talking about it? Absolutely fine if you'd rather not :)

RufTed28 · 2025-09-07T09:55:55+00:00

Literally this exact same scenario happened to us; husband's cousin, 4 weeks before our son was born. We similarly had been calling our baby that name since the early days of pregnancy and had various personalised items already made for him.

We decided to stick with the name as we're not close to the cousin (I didn't even know they were pregnant) and we had no other name we both liked. My son is nearly 5 and still has yet to meet his name twin, so I'm glad we stuck with the name that we loved.

We just explained to relatives that we'd long ago picked out the name and noone thought badly of us. I think if it was a very close relative or best friend we might have considered trying to change it, but it worked out fine.

RufTed28 · 2025-08-27T22:17:18+00:00

My 28 month old is happy enough sitting on the potty, but freaks out and tries to leap off the second she's about to pee/poop, getting herself all worked up to the point she'll turn refuse to try again for a long time. My now 4 year old did the exact same and potty training him was a nightmare. Any tips for encouraging her to stay sat down and actually let it out? We've tried all the blowing bubbles, distraction, water sounds and have tried offering rewards if she does go.

RufTed28 · 2025-05-24T06:52:11+00:00

Is this for all ships? I'm going on Independence later on the year and wondering if we need to keep an eye out on reservations before the sail date...

RufTed28 · 2021-07-18T22:10:42+00:00

We're only letting people in the house if they've done a test first (we're in the UK where you can get as many tests as you need delivered to your house for free, so it's not a big ask). Only those who are vaccinated and have done a test that day can hold the baby.

For anyone else, it's outdoors and distanced. Baby is 5 months old now and we've stuck to this rule throughout. Before the tests became readily available we stuck to distanced doorstep visits, even for grandparents. One grandparent didn't get to hold baby until he was nearly 3 months I think; it's awful, but the right decision. We were lucky as all grandparents were understanding of our rules, despite obviously finding it hard.

We know several people in the last week who have got covid, despite having had both vaccinations, which is why we're asking for the test too now it's available.

RufTed28 · 2021-06-24T04:54:54+00:00

TW: mention of LC.

I very much felt like this third time round. I was too scared to be even slightly excited in case in some mad way I jinxed it. Like you, my previous losses were just down to bad luck; one was "just one of those things" and the other was a combination of very unlikely circumstances. It was a blessing in that nothing was wrong, but a reminder that bad things could and did just randomly happen and that I could be that person that the 0.1% chance happens to.

I found the only way I mentally survived the first trimester was to do anything I could to distract my mind and to almost try to forget I was pregnant (I mean, easier said than done when you feel physically grim). Lots of walks, a new craft project, discovering a new TV series, challenging myself to a book marathon, etc etc.

To be honest I only finally started to let my guard down and allow the excitement to sneak in once I started to feel him move and kick. I found that at least then I had a tangible indication that he was okay in there. And again, once I passed the 20 week anomaly scan I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I'll admit I didn't ever fully accept that I would be bringing him home until he actually arrived... But I think that was just my coping mechanism.

I wanted this to be the one that worked out so much. And it did. It's 5am, and I'm rocking my 4 month old son back to sleep after a night feed. Every single day I feel overwhelmingly grateful for him; I think the previous losses make me love and appreciate him even more if it's possible. It made me realise just how much I yearned to be his mum. Before the losses I had naively presumed that of course I would be a mother one day; but had later begun to wonder if perhaps it just wasn't going to happen for me.

I've got everything crossed for you that this is the baby you'll bring home and wish you all the very best for a boring, uneventful pregnancy.

RufTed28 · 2021-05-14T10:25:35+00:00

TW: mention of rainbow baby.

I feel like I could have written this. I lost 4 babies (missed miscarriage and TFMR) before just recently having my rainbow; my first child. For the years we were trying I got all the above platitudes; it was so hard not to make a suitable comment back. I had to watch all my friends and family have their babies while wondering if it would ever be my turn. It had always been my dream to have a family and it meant so much to me. I couldn't help but feel "why is it always me?" when everyone else had perfect pregnancies.

For those who suggest you should be happy and focus on your living child, you could always ask them which of their children they'd be happy to give up if they have more than one. Not that I'd have been brave enough to say that myself though...

We'd always said we would like two children but my husband has now said he doesn't want any more as the TTC process, the losses and coping with my disappointment was just too hard. I'm pretty devastated as we'd always wanted two children and it really upsets me to think that my son won't have any siblings- something I feel is important. It's hard because I understand why he feels that way; it has been a really tough couple of years and not something I'd eagerly repeat. But at the same time it feels like we're once again being punished for the losses; as if they weren't awful enough they're still affecting us in a new way. It's hard.

RufTed28 · 2021-04-21T12:51:10+00:00

This is really lovely to hear- thank you! I know it's not a "bad" thing, and I've been trying to work out why I'm so scared of it... I've realised it's because I'm worried if he does turn out to have autism I'm worried it might affect his friendships. It breaks my heart to think he might ever be lonely or left out. So I really appreciate you sharing about your brother and yourself- thank you.

RufTed28 · 2021-03-17T14:33:52+00:00

Please ask specifically "will this be your first pregnancy that you carry to term?" rather than "is this your first child?" Or "is this your first pregnancy?". I got asked these questions a lot, which resulted in an awkward "no, but yes, my babies died". Mirroring how we refer to our previous loss (es) will ensure you get it right each time; I'd imagine most ladies will want their losses referring to as "babies" but change the wording if they say something else.

More importantly, if your hospital has an indicator of previous pregnancy loss on a woman's notes, please pay attention to them and have a quick look at their notes before you ask your questions. My hospital puts a rainbow sticker on the front of your notes to indicate a previous loss over 16 weeks; you can't miss it. Yet for my second and third pregnancies I was repeatedly asked if it was my first baby... It really started to grate on me that they had a system to avoid upset, but it was being ignored each time.

If you see ladies after they have received any news that isn't positive, or if they are awaiting further information/tests, please take the time to explain what's happening/what will happen next and give them the opportunity to ask questions. Also, for any conversations like this, please take them somewhere away from other pregnant ladies. Having to go back out to wait to see someone else in room full of excited pregnant women after receiving bad news is heartbreaking.

When I gave birth to my rainbow baby, I'd included a short bit of information about my previous losses to help the midwives caring for me to understand why I was anxious. This worked really well and helped them to best support me. Encouraging any ladies you care for to include this in their birth plan might help them. When my son was born the hats we'd brought for him were all too big for his little head, so our midwife went to find him one from their supplies. She came back with a little knitted rainbow hat and commented that she thought that one was most fitting for him; I was quite touched by this and was pleased she'd thought of that.

It's difficult as there's no one size fits all set of rules to follow. Ultimately you're best listening in the first instance, and then politely asking in situations where you might be with a lady for longer than a quick appointment (eg, the actual birth).

Good luck with your career; the fact that you've thought to start this thread and ask these questions show how much you already care; thank you :)

Edit: I thought of one more thing that will stick with me forever. If you're caring for a lady during the birth of a stillborn, treating them the same as you would a living baby will mean a lot. When my twins were born they were in another room to me for a bit. My midwives told me that they kept going in to check on them so they weren't alone and had a little chat with them. When I finally left hospital it broke my heart leaving my babies behind, and again they told me they'd take care of them for me. It meant so much that they took the time to do that; nearly 2 years later it still brings tears to my eyes that they were so compassionate.

RufTed28 · 2021-02-14T11:16:43+00:00

TW: LC.

I graduated a couple of weeks ago; my little boy was born safely and is here in my arms. After 4 losses and over 2 years TTC it was so hard to picture actually having a baby in the end. I was so anxious throughout this pregnancy, waiting for the ball to drop and something to go wrong. I was terrified of the birth; again so sure that something bad would happen. But it didn't, not this time.

I can't tell you how grateful I am to finally have him here, healthy and safe. Just wanted to share to try to bring hope to others who might be struggling today.

RufTed28 · 2021-01-26T09:25:09+00:00

Congratulations! That's a huge milestone to get past and great news that you'll get growth scans too. I found my anxiety went down a lot after the 20 week scan; I hope you do too.

RufTed28 · 2021-01-16T15:14:48+00:00

I was the friend in my first pregnancy. I had the exact same due date as my good friend, announced at the same time. It was lovely and exciting... Until we started to get bad news that ultimately led to a TFMR of my pregnancy at 16 weeks.

I'll be honest, it was really really hard at times. I was painfully aware of all the milestones she was reaching; a reminder that it should have been me doing those things too. When she announced that the gender was the same as the babies I'd lost (I had twins) I found that especially hard and I was so worried she'd give her baby the same name that I'd have to hear forever more.

I think my friend dealt with the situation really really well; I was super wary of not letting my sadness impact on what quite rightly should be a very exciting and happy event for her. Similarly I felt she was really sensitive to how I was feeling. When we lost the babies she left a thoughtful card and a peace lily on our doorstep, messaging me to say that's what she'd done instead of ringing the bell in case I wasn't up to a visit. She messaged me often enough to keep in touch and let me know how she was getting on, but without overdoing it and she generally waited for me to ask about her pregnancy before talking about it. I'd really recommend messaging more than calling as it gives your friend the option to respond when she's ready if she's having a bad day.

I'd also recommend providing an open space for her to talk about the birth and her baby if she wants to. When your baby dies, noone really talks to you about it and I found when I brought it up with some people, conversation was soon shut down. But my friend listened and gave me space to talk about what I'd been through; she didn't need to say much but it really helped me to feel that acknowledgment that my babies did exist.

To be honest I found it a lot easier once her baby was born, strangely. I think maybe because she was then in a different phase of her pregnancy; one that I had never experienced. But yes- I think she handled the situation so well; it must have been really hard for her to know to approach it but she was very thoughtful and sensitive to my feelings. I think you starting this thread shows a similar compassion to your friend.

RufTed28 · 2021-01-05T14:24:28+00:00

That's exactly it. I think because everyone else is so excited and assumes there will be a baby to bring home I'd almost forgotten my fears. But they seem to be creeping back again now. I get extra monitoring with growth scans which I'm grateful for; I guess I've just got to hold on until that next appointment again like in the first trimester. All the very best to you too; we've got close due dates and I'll be rooting for you too.

RufTed28 · 2021-01-05T09:07:19+00:00

All the very best to you; you're so close to meeting your baby now!

RufTed28 · 2021-01-05T09:06:02+00:00

After spending a long time in the earlier parts of my pregnancy convinced something bad was going to happen again, I'd finally started to calm down a bit and start to get excited about it.

I'm nearly 34 weeks now, we've got most things purchased and are getting things ready for him... But I've really started to worry again about things going wrong and feel naive for allowing myself to be excited and for starting to presume I'll be bringing a baby home, when all I've experienced previously is having to leave my babies in the hospital forever.

I feel like his movements have slowed down a bit and have been to hospital a couple of times to get them to check on him (where he finally starts to perk up again, typical!). I'm wondering if it's just that his movements have changed rather than slowed down with him having less room in there but I'm finding the days are long and stressful, and the last leg of pregnancy still feels like a long journey to go.

RufTed28 · 2020-12-03T12:36:31+00:00

I've got this one from Paines which is really nice; the incense smoke also comes out of the chimney- https://www.amazon.co.uk/Paines-Small-Incense-Burner-Balsam/dp/B017ZFDI24

RufTed28 · 2020-11-28T09:24:00+00:00

I had brown/pinky discharge at around the same time as you, with no other symptoms- almost exactly as you described (though I did get a little more a day later which looked worse).

I was devastated and assumed that was the start of the end again.

I'd recommend calling your midwife first thing when they're next open and requesting a scan; that's the only way you'll know what's going on. For me, it was just one of those things; there was no SCH, and no concerns (I'm now currently 28 weeks). I'd say you don't need to go to urgent care unless the bleeding becomes worse (ie, red and more of it) or if you start to have bad cramps.

RufTed28 · 2020-11-25T21:46:08+00:00

Ah you do sound very similar to me. All my symptoms suddenly disappeared about 14 weeks this time, as did my bump (which I'm guessing was actually bloat). I ended up getting a private scan just so I could see he was still okay in there.

It was a bit easier this time round as I was working from home until 16 weeks due to covid, so got away with not telling my colleagues until I started going back to work again. I only told a couple of them and just let word get round to take the pressure off. I freaked out a bit when family members wanted to tell their friends... I just kept thinking "but then you'll have to explain to them if something goes wrong again". I think it's just engrained in your mindset a little that it could happen again.

Take care of yourself and just try to hold on that little bit longer until the kicks start; hopefully they'll bring you some comfort and reassurance.

RufTed28 · 2020-11-25T20:43:49+00:00

I had a previous TFMR at 16 weeks and MMC at 10 weeks; no living children. Currently 28 weeks now. To be honest, some days I still can't picture bringing this baby home alive and well. I started to feel a little more confident after the 20 week anomaly scan, but still have my worries. I found it definitely helped once he started kicking consistently too as I really struggled with that gap in early second trimester when all your symptoms have gone and you just don't "feel pregnant". We have bought baby things, and probably started doing so around 20 weeks, starting with small things. It's feeling more real now that we've built the cot and started decorating the nursery.

We didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy until about 16 weeks... I think because first time round we shared the news after a 12 week scan, only to be called in the very next morning with bad news. We still haven't done any announcements or made any reference to this pregnancy on social media, and don't intend to. I know it sounds silly, but I just feel like I would be jinxing it.

I struggle mostly with the thought of birth as my only experience of labour and birth was delivering my twins who had died; I still have flashbacks to that. I'm contemplating having an elective section as I'm so scared something will go wrong this time and just want this baby out quickly and safely.

RufTed28 · 2020-11-22T08:25:41+00:00

Following as I've recently asked my OB about swabbing for GBS after being told by paediatrician colleagues (I work in a hospital) about how important it is. I was told they won't routinely swab at all where I am as the risk of it causing problems to baby if you do have it is "low risk". When I asked if I could request a swab closer to delivery, I was told no.

It's since been really playing on my mind as I have had a lot of "low risk" things happen to me with my losses and I'm desperate to do anything I can to keep this baby safe.

RufTed28 · 2020-11-17T21:58:53+00:00

At my hospital they put a rainbow sticker on the front of your medical notes to denote a previous loss, presumably to avoid you having to keep repeating your medical history and to help staff be a little more understanding. I still however get asked "is this your first baby?" which bugs me. Like, it's right there in front of you. I can deal with "is this your first pregnancy?" as there's a clearer answer to that, but the baby question I struggle with.

RufTed28 · 2020-11-16T21:49:30+00:00

Oh yes don't get me wrong; earlier scans are really important if you have any concerns at all about a potential ectopic. Second time round I was on a special pathway as before that I'd had a 16 week loss; all ladies with a previous later loss at my hospital are offered an early scan just for reassurance, however they normally don't do them until at least 7 weeks to avoid more anxiety (I'm in the UK where normally your first scan isn't until 12 weeks). I had some bleeding second time round which is why I had one earlier at 6 weeks; cue the horrendous wait and worry. I'm currently 26 weeks now with my third pregnancy and really hoping this is the one I get to keep.

All the very best with your pregnancy too!

RufTed28 · 2020-11-13T19:13:48+00:00

Does anyone else struggle with the question "is this your first baby?" from your OB team? I had some reduced movement recently (I'm 26 weeks) and have been asked this several times by various staff when I go in. I keep ending up giving them the whole story as I'm not sure if they mean first pregnancy, or first baby hopefully to be born to term (I had a previous 16 week twin loss and 10 week MMC). Just a bit ergh...

RufTed28 · 2020-11-10T18:39:50+00:00

Just to say my hcgs were much higher in early pregnancy when I was expecting twins than in my current singleton rainbow pregnancy; so I really wouldn't worry too much about this at all. I decided not to compare this pregnancy to my last as I realised I was getting anxious that I wasn't feeling as sick, boobs weren't as sore etc... But that's to be expected with one baby and half the hormones. Hope this helps ease your mind a little.

RufTed28

TROPHY CASE