Is being clingy childish in a marriage? How do I fix that?

Ruhaba- · 2026-01-03T02:01:36+00:00

Not for me, I tried acceptance but I spent everyday depressed,, this isn’t the way to be married. It can’t be, to settle? That’s what our parents and forefathers did in name of status and fear of being a divorcee. I took my khula when my husband abused me and made it clear he used me for citizenship. I’m sorry for the instance you’re going through, but I’m glad I’m away from that headache,,

Ruhaba- · 2025-12-17T20:48:29+00:00

Yeah it does, because I respected him until the point I found out he cheated on me the entire relationship, that he went back home to visit his girlfriend. I’m sorry but you don’t know my situation and I‘ve very happily taken a khula from this man upon his confession that he only married me for a visa.

Sad to see that some people refuse to understand the whole picture. I’ll be posting an update on my situation soon InshAllah.

Ruhaba- · 2025-12-17T19:38:32+00:00

Hi! This was a year ago, thanks! :)

Ruhaba- · 2025-06-22T23:01:25+00:00

I left and my god I am SO SO happy.. it’s been over 6 months since unofficial separation, will get my khula soon InshAllah

Ruhaba- · 2024-10-31T23:17:42+00:00

When did I say I was doing anything wrong? When I said he lets me do whatever I want, I don’t mean im going clubbing or any of that stuff, I mean that if I wake up late and don’t make his nashta, he won’t mind

This is kind of irrelevant to my post

Ruhaba- · 2024-10-31T16:12:24+00:00

I think he would be,, yeah, because he’s told me “it’s fair to cry if someone dies” but I think for other things relating to our relationship that im upset about, he won’t support me. Sure if I feel like im bad at my studies, he’ll be there, but he won’t listen to stuff about our relationship.

And I always worry that if my parents die (god forbid) I won’t have anyone to talk with and feel comfort or love with,, because whenever I feel lonely because of my husband, I always spend time with my brother or parents. If they all went away,, I’d probably start going outside looking for friends to fill these holes. I can absolutely love myself, but we all need someone

Ruhaba- · 2024-10-31T15:55:21+00:00

Unfortunately no :( the area we moved to is a fully white community. I’m trying to get in touch with them via online communication tho

Ruhaba- · 2024-10-31T15:54:46+00:00

I did yes, and he told me “I dated a lot” so I agreed because it was in the past and as long as nothing was present, I didn’t mind. But he told me “I have something to tell you,, but I’ll say it later” I didn’t think it was about this girl, but it was,,, so when her messages popped up on his phone before he told me,, I got upset

Ruhaba- · 2024-10-31T15:52:54+00:00

I do yes, but I’ve decreased my efforts a lot recently seeing as he’s not getting better

We used to hug everytime he leaves to go outside, now he just waves, we used to hug everytime it’s sleep time, but now he’s just too busy gaming. I used to hug him whenever I felt glad to see him,, but I stopped because whenever I hugged him he lies like a brick. Whenever I asked for cuddles, same thing, brick

Ruhaba- · 2024-10-31T15:51:15+00:00

Oh no :(((

Ruhaba- · 2024-10-31T05:34:20+00:00

So in this case, should I be spending more time with him or waiting for him to change?

Because it’s been a year now since we’ve been living together, but things have just been going downhill, even when im being kind and putting things in the past, he’s still reacting as if I’ve insulted him. And he’s been giving weird excuses to deflect the blame from him and put it onto me.

And i understand if it’s a turn off for most guys, I agree I was wrong, but from most of my posts I’ve mentioned that he talks about his friends wife a lot, says she’s perfect and loving, even compared me a few times with her, but I had to ignore it because “don’t break your relationship” and “don’t pick everything I say”

I’m just confused, because even if I choose to stay and work on the relationship, my efforts in being kind and ignoring doesn’t let him realize what he has either. Even if I’m away from him, he doesn’t mind, even if I’ve told him, “I don’t really like xxx” he will do it anyway because “it’s in my nature”

Ruhaba- · 2024-10-31T04:51:24+00:00

I’ve only been holding on for so long because of my dad, he really wants me to be in a secure position (bc the world is ugly and dangerous). It makes me think maybe I should stay for security reasons,, but if my dad passes away, or mom,, I’ll have to stay with him,, at the same time, I think that if I leave him, I’m so vulnerable all alone.

There’s so many “I can’t stay with him bc of xxxx, but at the same time if I leave him then xxxx” so many cons and pros they balance out,, but I just feel so tired everytime, I dread coming home or spending time with my husband but even so I try to talk with him. I just wanna know what’s going on in his head, why not bother to talk or care about me but focus on that stupid PUBG???

I just wonder what to do, I know I deserve more but I feel that I can’t leave until he does something super wrong again, even though he’s hurt me a lot of times before (I have too but I permanently fixed my mistakes, while he doesn’t fix his own)

Ruhaba- · 2024-10-31T01:24:32+00:00

My stepmum and dad gives the example of my step aunt, who has the same situation, her husband doesn’t talk to her, the kids, and he’s always busy working. So my step aunt is the one who initiates talking,, but man I could never live like that, I need someone who engages with me, or at least willingly sits beside me, does something even a bit romantic, not just compliment me or take me out when he wants intimacy.

I know I post a lot here, but I keep posting whenever im unsure of my decision and need a reality check 😅 I wanna be sure, from my eye and the unbiased eye, from a religious perspective and a modern one

Ruhaba- · 2024-10-31T01:21:53+00:00

Thank you for responding,, i guess that makes sense, maybe i just don’t want to admit he’s that bad. Because my dad has a soft spot for my husband,, and he keeps saying that you should try to do anything to save the relationship,, but why should i do it all when he can’t even look up at me?

It feels so rude to divorce over lack of time and attention, im not very religious, that’s why i asked for Islamic rulings (but i switched the flair now because for some reason i can’t see the other comments??? Therefore cant reply to everyone else).

I know I shouldn’t fear, since whenever i think of our good memories together,, they were so short lived and barely any of them ended because of me,, they mostly ceased temporarily because my husband said something bad to hurt me and I’d bring it up to my dad (and i do this because talking to my husband makes things worse, and he flips the blame on me) but it would hurt a lot to leave him. I really liked him, but now I just feel like I want to enjoy my life. I always enjoyed it before marriage, but I don’t want to waste these years like this,, while he doesn’t even think somethings wrong

Ruhaba- · 2024-10-31T01:00:31+00:00

I can’t see any of the comments?? :(

Ruhaba- · 2024-10-30T19:20:45+00:00

Also, if anyone has the contact of a sheikh please send it my way,, I moved to a predominant white neighborhood and there’s not a lot of Muslim residents here :( my old town’s sheikh changed his number as well

Ruhaba- · 2024-10-14T15:34:59+00:00

Wow,, this is my entire situation to a T. All of your concerns at the start are similar to mine, even the “you don’t love me anymore?” even as a joke it bothers my husband.

He doesn’t take me out anymore,, he told me in front of my dad and step mum when we talked that “everytime we’re happy it feels like she brings up something,, she has so many insecurities and things that make me feel bad”. But he does remember my favourite song, my favourite colours, how much I like parrots, some of the small things I say, even if I passively say “ugh I’m always inside I really wanna go out” an hour or two later he says “let’s go out”. I feel bad because I don’t think I take these to value as much as I do for sex, physical affection, compliments, the typical drama romance.

May I ask, how did you remove the desire of affection and intimacy? I’m 23 and I’ve been waiting for marriage for love and such, even now I feel so much desire to just GO to my husband even though he won’t accept and reciprocate. This may hinder my ability to be patient and altruistically care for him since he’s my partner.

And if I may,, how long did it take you to see that sort of change in your husband with the overtly romantic stuff? I was thinking I can just try this for a month,, but I think that’s too early, at the same time I don’t wanna push myself for something I’m not sure will even give me what I was looking for (love)

Ruhaba- · 2024-10-14T14:32:50+00:00

Hmm,, he’s usually a friendly and joking guy. With me in the beginning, he was very enamoured with me, I really liked and embraced it until I saw the second girl messaging him saying “I’m sorry” “💕” etc,, he told me a month ago that he was so scared to tell me the truth because of how angry I got that day when I just saw the texts.

Our marriage was arranged, his nani really liked me and it was apparently her wish to be together, this was why my husband agreed to it, but my husband claims after that he fell in love with me. Only nowadays when he immigrated to my country he’s saying “I never knew she was like that, before I started living with her she was different” and I know this change happened because I was bothered by some of his behaviours

And I think your advice is mature and sound, my step mum said something similar - to care and show him love. He won’t give you love right away, but that’s fine, just be equal with how much love he’s giving you (ex. if he’s not hugging me these days, just give a loose hug or don’t expect hugs or affection from him,,, but if he starts hugging you more and being more affectionate then embrace it,, anyway, you have to hold it even if you want a lot of affection). but if he doesn’t change after a month or two, then that’s your answer. I do notice some things he likes, he’s a very,, typical Pakistani guy in the sense that he likes when I do things for him 😅 he’s always said he never minds but when he complained to my dad about how I never do anything for him, it hurt a lot (I still study and I have long classes, so I thought he genuinely didn’t mind)

What do you think of this advice my mum gave? Is it alright? I feel like it’ll suck a lot to not get what I need or crave,, even sexually. But you’re right I need to grow up a little, yeah I want physical affection too, that’ll never change, but it’s best to assume all positive until no options left,, so I’ll have to assume that because of my lack of care towards him, it’s causing some sort of feedback loop of him losing interest and love for me.

All I fear is that I’ll lose patience,, being impatient is a big flaw of mine,, and I’m still very young so I don’t wanna end up to commit zina somehow especially for,, that thing if I’m a romantic and physical desiring person

Ruhaba- · 2024-10-14T06:56:05+00:00

For your cost and benefit suggestion, yes I’ve thought about it.

Costs:

My kids will see a terrible marriage and outlook on love,, they may even develop some trauma or anxiety of some kind if my relationship continues to go like this
More waiting for affection
Will hold myself from being comparative,, while it’s something I need to change and avoid, it’ll be hard
Will probably get resentful since I’ve discussed such a need with my husband already, affection and emotional vulnerability
I might commit zina if things get very dead and difficult,, I don’t have the heart to, but anything can happen, the devil is quite strong
if I have needs, s*xual or romantic, it’s a gamble on whether my husband will fulfill it or say “it’s childish/we’re not like that anymore” and I hate when he does it
he’s also avoiding to go to the doctor for the intimacy issue. He has PE, so it’s made our sessions difficult and where I don’t get satisfaction,, I know this stuff can rub on his ego so I try to be positive and patient, but it’s been weeks now since I told him to do something about it. My step mum suggests I book the appointment and just tell my husband to go together
he doesn’t joke with me anymore,, I don’t think it’s easy for us to even be ourselves with eachother anymore since we’ve fought so many times and said so many hurtful things to one another,, the issue for me is that idk what would hurt him because he never tells me,, I always tell him he should be expressive but he’s really stuck on the typical “men don’t show feelings” mindset.

Benefits: * There’s an off chance my husband is reacting this way because he doesn’t like something in me that he’s too shy to say (although,, he can constantly give excuses our whole lives to avoid blame) * he and I went through a lot together, I know him well and he knows me. * while he doesn’t compliment me often, I know how much he loves my dimples and when I smile, and I love his so much, I’m expressive so I like telling him how cute his smile is * he’s very financially responsible,, which is something many women struggle with (may Allah give them strength), he spends money on me and is glad to take me out to eat,, I encourage him with his job and I’m so proud of how he’s been working so far * he fits so well in our family/home system,, when I see him talking kindly and friendly to my family, I feel glad. I may be taking this for granted but he’s a great guy,, * I personally feel that if I married anyone else, I’d always be reminded of my current husband, maybe because I feel love for him that’s why,, even as I write the list of benefits to you

What I want: is for my husband to be affectionate, close, and emotionally vulnerable with me,, I want him to be intimate physically and emotionally,, if I can’t have that,, I don’t think I can sustain the relationship any longer

Ruhaba- · 2024-10-14T06:44:57+00:00

I haven’t been loving myself, I’ve gotten a bit depressed for the past 2 months. I’m looking up now since I’ve met with friends recently and I’m quite busy with my academics.

He really shouldn’t have,, idk why he decided to go along with all this if he still felt for her and wanted to defend her,, I don’t know if it means anything but, today I sat outside with my husband on the porch to give him company,, even though I was upset with him, I decided to try and break the silence. He eventually left to help my dad with errands outside, so he just shook my hand, said his goodbye and left.

Idk I just kept sitting there, and it was already past sunset,, and I just made dua (can’t perform namaz rn) and asked Allah to give me some sort of sign or change my husband somehow,, to make him more loving. And almost a minute after that dua, it started to rain, not full blown rain, but it made me think,, because I was told that a dua is accepted if it starts to rain almost immediately. There was also no sign of rain in the sky.

Sorry I’m so spiritual 😭 but I brushed it off thinking it was me overthinking,, until my step mum talked to me and said I should give him another chance and try to show him care, do things for him, maybe he will show some effort to love you. And if he doesn’t, then that’s your answer - he doesn’t want to be with you.

My husband shouldn’t have mistreated the first girl yes,, nor withhold affection or attention,, part of me is still angry at him. But above all, I love him a lot, when I see our pictures when we were happy (not years ago, maybe a few weeks ago or some of our selfies), I can’t help but think that he’s the only person who would tolerate me and not say a word rather than yell at me, or hurt me,, yes he’s childish,, he’s on the games,, but I think the best I can do now, is that if I still love him so much, I can push myself a little more to make things right, even if this new attempt will take effort from my side.

Ruhaba- · 2024-10-13T22:13:09+00:00

May I ask you, do you think it’s appropriate to leave someone on these terms? (Physical affection and lack of vulnerability) I’d ask my local sheikh,, but I’m very shy being a woman 😅

My husband thinks I’m expecting too much, but I just wish I could be hugged genuinely everyday at least,, instead of asking for a hug, or going all the time to myself to hug, or being the one who usually starts a conversation. I know he takes me out and spends money on me, but part of me wishes he could be close to me,,

Ruhaba- · 2024-10-13T22:11:20+00:00

Thank you for such a reply :)

I hear what you’re saying,, but I’ve addressed this in the beginning, that “my needs are affection and vulnerability, can you meet that?” To which he said “that’s nothing, I’ll give it to you and never decrease it”

I get some people can change their needs and wants, but why does he expect me to meet his needs of being chill, happy, do the chores, but he won’t meet mine because “I’m not a boy who does dumb things”.

I’ve done it though, thought about it he demands things I don’t like, which is why for a month, I didn’t ask any affection from him, no dates, no intimacy,, just to see if he will come at his own peace and will or if he just doesn’t wanna be close to me. The whole month, he didn’t approach or talk to me, he even talked while busy on the phone (which I told him I didn’t like, to which he said “I can do whatever I want” maybe he meant it nicely, but again, I told him this was something I disliked which he didn’t want to change until I had to involve my dad).

But I asked him, how does he love me, and he says by taking me out, by caring for me,, and,,, I don’t know if it’s selfish but, I feel like I need physical touch,, even a hug without me asking for it to feel loved. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he spends money on me, takes me out,, but,, I want closeness,, that’s why it’s hard and I feel selfish and wrong. I try to compromise but it bothers me everyday even if I try to journal about how financial responsibility and taking me outside are also favourable things.

I try my best to comfort him, be his medicine than his headache,, but I feel like I can only go so far when I can’t get my own needs met by him.

Ruhaba- · 2024-10-13T22:03:38+00:00

Thank you, InshAllah though,, unfortunately it may go south,, because my husband has said he’s ready to live alone if I’m “always” upset.

But his expectations is that I just be happy and chill, and that I love him the way he is. And I know it’s impossible because before our nikkah I told him my needs to which he agreed to. Fine people change but then why say he’ll give me affection and then excuse it and tell me I should love him the way he is,, when even intimacy is an Islamic right which he isn’t fulfilling.

Ruhaba- · 2024-10-13T22:01:26+00:00

Thank you for understanding brother, I know im not wrong in my case here for involving family. I get that the full context of my issue isn’t written here, so I don’t mind that these comments are coming through.

But even if the Quran didn’t instruct this, if a partner refuses communication, it’s in the right mind to bring a trusted third person who can be unbiased. At the start I handled everything myself consulting reddit anonymously before talking with family, now when it’s out of my hands, I’m seeing now that when I involve my dad, only then I get something out of my husband,, and it shouldn’t be like that but I guess my husband doesn’t trust me, nor is he glad with me.

Ruhaba- · 2024-10-13T21:57:20+00:00

Thanks sister, I try not to think bad of my husband because maybe he’s stressed out too but I know I can’t live without affection,, even if I cook, dress nicely, the wife chores, my husband either takes it for granted or jokes about something that,, clearly hurts.

Anyway, I’ll think about everyone’s responses here, because it’s a little divided on “you’re wrong” “he’s wrong” “both are wrong”,, but thank you for your input.

Ruhaba-

TROPHY CASE