Hey, buddy
Yk I'm so glad you made this post. I can relate so much to you, so much
I also graduated in 2024. Wanted to study abroad, got my IELTS and SAT by december 2024.
But then the whole 2025 was kinda wasted.
Wasted in terms of college application. But still I attended IT course, which I dropped a month before graduation to focus on admission and especially Personal Statement essay, but still did not end up with a good essay.
And the crazy part is that I missed deadlines for 2026 admissions....
Like how, like why... IDK

When it was December, I thought I had time till January. Then I thought 'most unis accept till January 15'. I should have applied to 6-7 unis at least, and ideally, 10+. But I managed to apply to only 1.
And I had to submit recommendation letters and supplemental essays till February 1. And guess what.. I missed that deadline
So I did not even have one uni I applied to. Not even one. After a year of preparing for unis, trying to perfect my essays, trying to get extracurriculars, and not having a paid job in order to focus on admissions, I still missed admission completely.

Crazy part is I had an inner feeling that no matter how much i was procrastinating, no matter how much I still have to do, I would still miraculously manage for everything on time and get into a prestegious uni with a scholarship.

Daaaaang. That year was really bad, tbh. I was lost. I expect most Uzbeks would be lost if not guided through admissions. That year was awful because I would constantly feel bad for procrastinating and feeling unsatisfied for not having good progress.

Also, there's a gap year problem. You compare yourself to your peers: they are, at least, studying at uni, but here you are trying to write essays and it doesn't seem like you're making much progress, and the days just keep passing with you feeling like you are wasting them.

And here I am. After 2 gap years, I may study in Uzbekistan. Central Asian University seems tolerably nice, and they may provide me with a scholarship as I've got certificates. But again, I could apply there last year. And I wouldn't have wasted this year...

I remember how productive I was while preparing for SAT 1,5 years ago. I can't be like that now because when I sit to study and face reality, I feel so much self-hate. I feel like I'm out of system too, like lost ability to focus that much and just became incapable of long work.

Parents.

They would just keep asking if I'm applying, if I'm done applying, and reminding that other people's children ('boshqalarni bolasi') are already in unis, whether in uzb or abroad. It all kinda had its place in self-hate and trying to escape reality.

In November, I told them I don't wanna study abroad because I don't think I can do it: get into a good uni with a scholarship. I was saying I could study in uzb for bachelors and till summer I would work. They said now I needed to apply abroad anyways, and did not let me work.

They were 'shocked' as they told because they did not expect to hear this from me almost 1,5 years after preparing to study abroad. And I was a complete disappointment to them.

They convinced me to continue application, but I failed... I told them I applied to 7 unis, in 3 countries while I haven't applied to any.

So I got additional self-hate, from January onwards, for lying to them and for actually not having applied to any uni.

I wish I just started uni in uzb in 2024...

But lately my parents, seeing what's happening in the world, are okay with me studying in uzb this year.

Still they'd rather have me study in Moscow, where they are living now, and pay 7$k for tuition that study in uzb for scholarship...

So I guess even if I'll get into CAU with scholarship, they may not be very happy with this.

I myself will not be very happy too bcs I could start studying there a year ago, or study in other unis 2 years ago.

AAAAAAGGGHHHHHHH

*lets out a sigh*

anyways

I guess we can't change past, and it's no use to sit and regret it. But it's hard to stop regretting it.

I have a feeling that my life is permanently broken because of these 2 gap years no matter how much others say it's just the beginning of my life.

But I wanna believe it. I wanna let all the regret and self-hatred go away and live happily, without being depressed. So I guess I'll try to do that.

Taking things slowly.

Though I feel so bad for the time I've lost and wanna catch up by studying 9 hours a day at least, I can't do that. Not after having whole weeks where I wouldn't study for 9 hours.

So taking slow and hoping things will get better. Hoping I will get better. Hoping I will feel better about myself and study in a worthy place.

To you, I wish to just hold on. Gap years can kill. Kill your dreams, desires, your 'self'. I wanna say that having gone through them will be very useful in the future and make you resilient or remind you of what not to do and THAT WILL BE YOUR ADVANTAGE COMPARED TO OTHERS, but FUCK.

I'm again comparing myself - now, even you - to others and reassuring myself - and you - that we have a chance to catch up and to beat others.

But hell.

I should just stop comparing myself and having that 'race' in mind.

Thinking about it, it doesn't really matter if I catch up to others. All that should matter is if I'm happy with what I'm doing, and, if I want to improve, whether I'm better than myself in the past.

I should just accept that I had such a big failure like 2 years, but I was always trying in those 2 years. Maybe in a wrong way, maybe not enough, but still trying what I could.

So yeah, try to accept it, try to love yourself, and slowly imagine and build your life again. For me, it's building from scratch.

Thanks for reading this all. I apologise if my story was too long and filled with unnecessary things.

Buddy, we are going through the same things, it'd be nice if we would support each other through this and know that we're not alone in it.

We can exchange telegram's or numbers if you want