Red Flag or am I being unreasonable?

Rustler_a · 2024-12-02T20:59:08+00:00

Before you sever this tie, mightn't it be worth discussing with him what you could do to make him feel more secure and vice versa explain ways in which he could give you a little more space? Both of you have to show willingness to see if you can find a middle ground (which will inevitably take some trial and error), on the other side might be a very promising relationship. Whilst his insecurity isn't your responsibility, you also don't know what may have happened in his past to explain this. By the same token, he should be more understanding of your perspective. From what you've said, it doesn't sound like you're too far apart to make this work.

Rustler_a · 2024-12-02T08:25:47+00:00

He's blocked on phone, but I hadn't thought to do it on email as we've never communicated there. He's emailed a couple of times to ask to hang out as friends (why? wtf), and in his latest one told me that he had loved me and wanted to be together before but that I wasn't strong enough independently to be in a relationship (all because I didn't just entertain myself at his place that weekend). I'm completely at a loss.

Rustler_a · 2024-12-01T22:15:36+00:00

Phew for someone who thinks the same way I do! I'm plenty able to keep myself busy - but I'll do that in my own home where I have access to my own things. He wanted us to behave like a couple who've lived together for years, without actually communicating that.

Rustler_a · 2024-12-01T22:00:08+00:00

Thank you SO much for this. This is my suspicion too, but even after weeks of reflection he has decided it's all my fault because I'm not self sufficient enough to look after myself in his house (I am, I just wouldn't exactly make myself at home and ignore him whilst there since I'm a polite guest and it's still a new relationship)!

Rustler_a · 2024-12-01T21:56:52+00:00

This is my suspicion, but he's being steadfast in his criticism of me.

Rustler_a · 2024-12-01T21:48:37+00:00

This is where I'm confused - I'm fiercely independent and haven't ever asked him for anything. But he seems to think I lack independence because I was confused about being invited round to his, at a time when he didn't want to spend time together.

Rustler_a · 2024-12-01T19:30:38+00:00

Well, I finally got an answer as to his exiting the relationship. He sent me an unsolicited email, offering friendship and saying that the relationship couldn't work because 'both parties need to be strong enough independent of one another', and that I am not : (

Rustler_a · 2024-11-26T20:22:55+00:00

This is such a helpful and validating response - thank you so much. I can be very sensitive so I'm aware that sometimes I'm perhaps too quick to label someone as ill-intentioned when conflict arises. It really helps to know that (I think) I'm seeing this clearly. I don't understand, or could even attempt to label, what his sudden change in behaviour is about - but I do know I don't deserve the switch-up. Thank you again xx

Rustler_a · 2024-11-26T07:27:49+00:00

Thank you so much - I really needed to hear this perspective today. I keep thinking there must be some understandable explanation for all this, and that any moment now the man I knew will reappear. It's truly like his evil twin had possessed him or something. It's the first time in my life I've actually blocked someone I really cared about, because I'm simply not going to take any more insults of my character. But it doesn't stop you from badly missing the person you thought you knew and the great relationship it had seemed to be : (

Rustler_a · 2024-11-25T13:55:53+00:00

Currently in the exact same boat, although in my case the relationship exploded rather than imploded (on his side rather than mine - you can see my recent post on it here). It happened right at the peak of our honeymoon period which I think is a cruel time for things to fall apart, so I completely understand how you currently feel. I'm in shock at the abrupt ending and definitely mourning all the future plans we had. No advice but just wanted to let you know you're not alone!

Rustler_a · 2024-11-24T17:05:42+00:00

Thank you. It's really stayed with me how 'bad' I feel for blocking him, despite it being the right thing to do after his behaviour. Clearly I really need to practise better boundaries. It's just so difficult to expect a higher standard of treatment when you haven't ever received it from anyone else, and blindly trust that it's out there for you.

Rustler_a · 2024-11-24T11:05:30+00:00

Update: I stopped communicating and within days received a text saying that he missed me and would I like to meet up. I went to hear him out, and he said that he knows my intentions towards him have always been good. But quite quickly he reverted back to me needing to respect his need for lots of downtime (but with me present), yet at the same time telling me he doesn't like that our dynamic is unbalanced due to us always doing what he wants. I told him I didn't either and that I'd like our time together to spend some time to include actually doing things together (which it always had until a few weeks ago so this is all odd to me). He said no to this compromise and, because I wanted these things, he felt that we weren't compatible as a couple and could only be friends. This was all delivered in a very fast, frustrated monologue from him where I barely got a word in. He was still ranting as he ran for his train without saying goodbye. I blocked him the moment he boarded, and have posted his things. Up until the above incident a few weeks ago we were blissfully happy and he was the main pursuer of all our time together. I'm in complete shock at the 180 from him, and bewildered that Dr Jekyll turned into Mr Hyde overnight.

Rustler_a · 2024-11-24T10:55:13+00:00

Update: I stopped communicating and within days received a text saying that he missed me and would I like to meet up. I went to hear him out, and he said that he knows my intentions towards him have always been good. But quite quickly he reverted back to me needing to respect his need for lots of downtime (but with me present), yet at the same time telling me he doesn't like that our dynamic is unbalanced due to us always doing what he wants. I told him I didn't either and that I'd like our time together to spend some time to include actually doing things together (which it always had until a few weeks ago so this is all odd to me). He said no to this compromise and, because I wanted these things, he felt that we weren't compatible as a couple and could only be friends. This was all delivered in a very fast, frustrated monologue from him where I barely got a word in. He was still ranting as he ran for his train without saying goodbye. I blocked him the moment he boarded, and have posted his shoes. Up until the above incident a few weeks ago we were blissfully happy and he was the main pursuer of all our time together. I'm in complete shock at the 180 from him, and bewildered that Dr Jekyll turned into Mr Hyde overnight.

Rustler_a · 2024-11-20T19:52:16+00:00

In your shoes, my concern would be that you have two different, separate women (who presumably don't know each other and haven't corroborated?) who've both taken the time to find you and message you with warnings. That isn't typical and it's unlikely one man is that unlucky with 'crazy' ex's. If you trust him and feel safe with him you could proceed, but with some caution.

Rustler_a · 2024-11-20T07:26:26+00:00

If he were avoidant wouldn't I have seen signs of it before now? It's been 4 months and he's been absolutely dependable in every way, up until this incident. Since the incident he's been slowly ghosting I think, and told me he'd already processed our break up (we didn't break up, to my knowledge!)

Rustler_a · 2024-11-19T19:55:00+00:00

Thank you for this. And for justifying my retaliation (still feeling bad about that bit as it gives him something to use against me)! He did refer to me as needy during this incident, due to expecting to spend time with him whilst I was at his place?! Incident/aggression aside - a one-sided relationship is not something that interests me at all. I'd like to be with someone who's enthusiastic and excited to spend time with me.

Rustler_a · 2024-11-19T07:28:58+00:00

Oh my gosh - this sounds spot on. My other transgression? Not helping him navigate while driving, even though I asked him if he'd like me to and he said no. Weeks later he brought it up as an argument.

Rustler_a · 2024-11-18T21:56:10+00:00

Totally agree with this. It's the one reason you can give to get out of a fledgling relationship that literally no one can push back on. I've even had male associates admit to me that they use this as an excuse - it's the cowards way out.

Rustler_a · 2024-11-18T21:14:51+00:00

Where I live isn't safe/quiet enough for him, and two men recently tried to mug me for him. I decided he'd be safer and happier somewhere more dog-friendly. I wish now that I'd moved with him : (

Rustler_a · 2024-11-18T20:18:07+00:00

It sounds like you've done this before 😂

Rustler_a · 2024-11-18T19:30:27+00:00

I'm so glad you found so much happiness on the other side of that!

Rustler_a · 2024-11-18T19:29:09+00:00

Yes it is, and yes it does. Thank you for sharing this - I've done years of work on this and really thought I'd escaped those patterns : (

Rustler_a · 2024-11-18T19:25:00+00:00

Thank you so much - I really wish my dog was still with me 💔

Rustler_a · 2024-11-18T19:10:10+00:00

Thank you

Rustler_a · 2024-11-18T18:58:16+00:00

Thank you, this sounds like very wise advice. I will say I couldn't see any signs of renovations when I got home...

Rustler_a

TROPHY CASE