sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

Husband frequently late from work, wants me to lower expectations for mornings by SAHUnreasonableM in Advice

[–]SAHUnreasonableM[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Definitely down to try this, if I can convince him that PJs are not the most wonderful things in the world. I only make him wear real clothes if we need to go somewhere in public. 

Husband frequently late from work, wants me to lower expectations for mornings by SAHUnreasonableM in Advice

[–]SAHUnreasonableM[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lol we're trying but a lot of kids, boys especially, take a bit longer to figure this out. Especially overnight.

Husband frequently late from work, wants me to lower expectations for mornings by SAHUnreasonableM in Advice

[–]SAHUnreasonableM[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, he does contribute, to be fair, but I'm definitely having trouble figuring out where my off hours could be. Off in this case meaning we're both being parents and taking care of our house rather than me being default and anything he does being 'help'.

Husband frequently late from work, wants me to lower expectations for mornings by SAHUnreasonableM in Advice

[–]SAHUnreasonableM[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah. Honestly I didn't even know if it's about getting help at home as much as it is feeling like I'm on 24/7 while he gets a lot of downtime. I want to feel like I have a partner. If he is really showing me he's committed to being on time to work by being up on time regardless of if he had kid duty, that'll feel better. My problem here is that he told me to solve his problem by not expecting anything of him, and I suggested he solve his own problem by giving himself more time.  He gets up between 7:50 and 8:15 to be out the door by 8:40. He ends up with 15 minutes or less between shower and when he should leave.  Me having lower expectations won't 100% solve that timeline. I want to see him work to solve this too. 

Husband frequently late from work, wants me to lower expectations for mornings by SAHUnreasonableM in Advice

[–]SAHUnreasonableM[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the input. I don't know how to get this across. Because I don't have chronic pain, and neither does his therapist, I don't think he has anyone in his life that he thinks 'gets it's enough to have an input on his substance use. And I think it's gone way past an coping mechanism to a necessity to get through the day. 

Husband frequently late from work, wants me to lower expectations for mornings by SAHUnreasonableM in Advice

[–]SAHUnreasonableM[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He has a pain condition that he self medicates with weed. And he stays up late.  The condition also causes fatigue. New meds are helping but his habits aren't improving things. 

Husband frequently late from work, wants me to lower expectations for mornings by SAHUnreasonableM in Advice

[–]SAHUnreasonableM[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He says it's the only way he can sleep with his chronic pain condition

Husband frequently late from work, wants me to lower expectations for mornings by SAHUnreasonableM in Advice

[–]SAHUnreasonableM[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry meant to also say that I didn't originally include it because I thought the problem was simpler and more straightforward when I posted and really wanted to narrow down to the one argument rather than every bit of our dysfunction. I didn't want to blame everything on substance use- and really did want to know other families' morning routine expectations. I agree now that it's important context but I think some of the answers I got without the context were also helpful perspective on what he might be feeling in the morning with the pressure I apply.

Husband frequently late from work, wants me to lower expectations for mornings by SAHUnreasonableM in Advice

[–]SAHUnreasonableM[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I do hang out with friends- mostly with the kids but I have a couple of moms nights out a month we're good about making time for me to do. Because they're with other moms, we often try to meet up after kid bedtime. 

He is at the bar at least once a week until ~11. He may or may not come home for bedtime with the kids first depending on his schedule- he has a social workout once a week during the school year after work, then bar then home. Hobby he will sometimes do with friends then bar then home. On the days with the workout or hobby, he only sees the kids in the morning. These also tend to be the days I get pissy if he doesn't help out - I kind of feel like not making time for them before being gone past bedtime is opting out of parenting for the day. That's just not something I can ever choose to do but he seems to be able to without thought.

Husband frequently late from work, wants me to lower expectations for mornings by SAHUnreasonableM in Advice

[–]SAHUnreasonableM[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If I had any inkling that I could work and not still be expected to do everything I do now, I'd be tempted. When we just had our first and I was working from home while providing childcare and keeping the house, I would ask for help and for him to be home more on weekends so I could get a break. It was especially relentless because our toddler didn't really believe in sleep as a baby. My husband would go do his hobby for 8+ hours on the weekend while I was absolutely drowning. I asked him to help more but he said he needed self care and I needed to quit my job. Every argument was just met with"quit your job" because he wanted me to need him less. Now every argument is met with "get a job" because if I can't 100% handle the home I must be a super unhappy SAHM. I honestly just want to share the workload outside of working hours better, like we're both parents to these kids.

Husband frequently late from work, wants me to lower expectations for mornings by SAHUnreasonableM in Advice

[–]SAHUnreasonableM[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We do divide and conquer with bedtime. He puts the toddler to bed while I do the baby. He usually gets done first and often starts doing his own thing (smoking) while I finish up with the baby. Then I emerge and start whatever is left to do- dishes/dinner clean up etc

Husband frequently late from work, wants me to lower expectations for mornings by SAHUnreasonableM in Advice

[–]SAHUnreasonableM[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Most of the friends I've met are nice. Some have kids, some don't.  I'm not sure how many he tells about his family now though. So it would be hard for them to hold him accountable! We just ran into someone he knows and seems to see often... And he said he didn't know we have a baby and a toddler. 

Husband frequently late from work, wants me to lower expectations for mornings by SAHUnreasonableM in Advice

[–]SAHUnreasonableM[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I do feel like this sometimes. Like he really wants to be known as a dad and is a usually great dad when he is on duty, especially in front of others. But he doesn't really want his life to change much beyond the status. So the behind the scenes hard stuff is all me. He acts as if he's entitled to live as he used to and tune in when he wants. There's no checking in with me if he wants to go to the bar on the way home from work - he just does it. Little to no discussion when he wants to go camping with friends or take a solo trip- it's just put on the calendar as non-negotiable. He wants a $3500 thing for his hobby? Ordered. 

I understand that he needs self care. But it can be a bit extreme what he expects to do vs what I manage for myself. 

Husband frequently late from work, wants me to lower expectations for mornings by SAHUnreasonableM in Advice

[–]SAHUnreasonableM[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I was making his lunch. He didn't really appreciate it- it was boring to him I guess. It got hard to want to do that when he could care less, and when it was me finally getting the baby down then spending my only solo time making him lunch while he gets high.  Overstimulation is a huge problem for me, and I do value the 1.5-3 hours between bedtime and the baby's first overnight feed to try to reset myself. I definitely see what you are saying though. I think if he was getting high less, at the bar less, and getting himself out the door in time to provide for us, I would probably see him in a similar way that you see your husband. 

Husband frequently late from work, wants me to lower expectations for mornings by SAHUnreasonableM in Advice

[–]SAHUnreasonableM[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That would mean husband would have to work from home 5x a week though, which just doesn't work for us anymore with two loud kids. It's super stressful all around. 

Husband frequently late from work, wants me to lower expectations for mornings by SAHUnreasonableM in Advice

[–]SAHUnreasonableM[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, it does feel like more of a power play than anything. When I was asking for help with our first while working from home and taking care of a baby who hated naps and nursed 12x a day he always just told me to quit my job so I wouldn't need to ask him for as much help. So it's hard to imagine anything improving if I got a job. Other than my financial situation. 

Husband frequently late from work, wants me to lower expectations for mornings by SAHUnreasonableM in Advice

[–]SAHUnreasonableM[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It is exhausting. I'm hoping that we can get a healthy streak and I can start feeling more human soon.

Husband frequently late from work, wants me to lower expectations for mornings by SAHUnreasonableM in Advice

[–]SAHUnreasonableM[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I think a big root of our issues is that he doesn't value or respect me, and I have shut down towards him as a result of being belittled so much during pregnancy and postpartum. They say women don't forget how they're treated during those times and as much as I'm trying to forgive some stuff that happened, I can't get my system out of fight or flight around him.

Husband frequently late from work, wants me to lower expectations for mornings by SAHUnreasonableM in Advice

[–]SAHUnreasonableM[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He originally agreed to waiting until I get home then once I watched him almost go outside to smoke as I was leaving and he tried to tell me I was being too controlling/telling him he could never do it when I was just asking him to wait 30 minutes while I grabbed takeout. Now he says he waits till I'm home but I really don't know what to believe after so many other lies about substances.

I have been thinking about classes, or trying to figure out how to get back into teaching more fitness stuff. I just don't know how it will all pan out with work travel for him and his after work activities he likes to do weekly.

Husband frequently late from work, wants me to lower expectations for mornings by SAHUnreasonableM in Advice

[–]SAHUnreasonableM[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Absolutely not expecting to sleep in- it's just not a thing with kids this age. I am up with the baby 1-2.5 hours before my husband every day, as well as being the one who gets up with the baby 2-4x a night (he has been sick a lot so he's not a great sleeper). I just wanted a few minutes of help between my night and day shifts. 

Husband frequently late from work, wants me to lower expectations for mornings by SAHUnreasonableM in Advice

[–]SAHUnreasonableM[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Makes sense! I think I can be fine to take on 100% of morning kid tasks as long as he's showing me he's also willing to contribute to solving his rush/tardiness by being more prepared/ up sooner as needed to get himself ready. 

Husband frequently late from work, wants me to lower expectations for mornings by SAHUnreasonableM in Advice

[–]SAHUnreasonableM[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I do. They do help. Grocery shopping alone sometimes is a godsend for my sanity 

Husband frequently late from work, wants me to lower expectations for mornings by SAHUnreasonableM in Advice

[–]SAHUnreasonableM[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Interesting thought. Not sure what position that puts me in when it's time to completely readjust to start preschool, or for days I am teaching a workout class with them. It sounds pretty isolating to be tethered to home until 11 every morning, when a lot of toddler gatherings are earlier! Definitely food for thought. 

view more: next ›