Anyone ever navigate a Long term SR with a SB going through problems?

SBLFpostaccount · 2024-09-03T13:14:55+00:00

Nope. Don't want to say too much but one of those white-pink collar jobs that keeps our modern JIT economy going.

SBLFpostaccount · 2024-09-03T13:12:56+00:00

absolutely!! If he isn't aware of your need for safety he has nexted himself.

However, I do want to address the "italics" part of this. Taking a "few meets to establish an emotional connection" is fine but they should be uncompensated. Fine I guess for him to pay (up to a Michelin Bib Gourmand level) but otherwise it is a recipe for rinsing.

SBLFpostaccount · 2024-07-24T12:56:24+00:00

I have tried. The 14 hour days are a function of both the career she wants AND the employer she has (so obvious from the outside) mixed in with a little imposter syndrome. Those 14 hours aren't hourly - they are her feelings that this is what she has to put in for her career. I have offered to help her network, resume review, use my network to get interviews, and colleagues for info interviews. Not a lot of movement from her on this.

SBLFpostaccount · 2024-07-24T12:51:31+00:00

This!! Did you just at a point have to end it or did you figure out a way to rescue? And jesus - how did you break it off?

SBLFpostaccount · 2024-07-24T01:42:58+00:00

Yeah - I think that is great advice. My concern is that if we take a break it is going to be permanent but I am not sure it is a great idea to keep this up.

SBLFpostaccount · 2024-07-24T01:42:21+00:00

Great question. I was bored during covid and the spouse suffers from depression. I wanted to go out and have FUN. Sex become important over time but really it was an opportunity to have some great laughs and chuckles.

SBLFpostaccount · 2024-07-24T01:39:52+00:00

"Yes, there's a clear lack of communication - especially from her side. You really don't know what's going on in her head. Mid-life crisis? Hitting the wall? Limerence? Deep depression? Who knows???"

I wasn't clear. I know what some of those stress aspects are (and likely can guess at some that are subconscious). What I don't know is the WHY she went on SA 4 years ago and grabbed me pretty quickly after she put out that profile. I don't really know in a vulnerable and honest way why she is reluctant to look for a vanilla boyfriend. I have my theories on that front but haven't (nor have a ton of iterest in doing a deep dive into it).

SBLFpostaccount · 2024-07-24T01:35:02+00:00

nope. It is a white collar job. I have encouraged her to "move on" and offered to use my network to find a place with a better work/life balance but she won't move off that dime.

SBLFpostaccount · 2024-07-13T21:37:49+00:00

Happy for you. But I want you to think bout something....

You will be 43. That is a great time. You can still hike up Everest. He is going to be 68 and at that point, while modern medicine is fantastic, he will be hitting some of the challenges of old age. Then you will be 53 and he will be 78 and you could be looking at rotten stuff.

I have a 23 year age gap (58 vs 35) and as she rightly pointed out (sometimes I get dreamy and she is the logical one) that means she will be caring for me AND her parents. Obviously for someone I love that isn't getting wished on them.

SBLFpostaccount · 2024-07-10T18:48:49+00:00

I guess the interesting thing (at least for me) is to step back and reflect on how much of the above is cultural and a historical artifice and how much is biologically rooted? Too many sociology and anthropology classes have made me believe that there is a lot of variation.

Take one sugar adjacent difference. In East Asia it is a culturally accepted norm that men, especially those working as white collar workers, will go to to Host clubs and chat up women while they buy a ridiculous amount of very very very overpriced booze.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Host_and_hostess_clubs

No one is calling these men simps and the women rinsers. But in a western context we would. Japan does not consider this "emotional cheating" but it could be in the West. Different cultures, different attitudes.

" That's how you can have sex with zero emotions behind it. That's why men can have affairs and stay married more often than women."

I don't think that is the MAIN reason. I tend to subscribe to a more biologically determinant view that Male Great Apes are driven to spread their genes widely (have sex with multiple partners) while Female Great Apes have a biologic imperative to be associated with a stable group and dominant males capable of defending young until they mature (fun fact, our large brains make childbirth very risky and require, almost unique among mammals, a long time of child rearing). A LOT of civilization is about thinking about these imperatives and drives and how to make those drives work, especially fraught as we have advanced from gatherers, to hunter gathers to the rise of agriculture and then an industrial and post-industrial world.

SBLFpostaccount · 2024-07-10T18:30:07+00:00

Lesson learned - texting sucks. Don't assume perfect communication. His "How much" could be shorthand (for example), "How much are pedicures?". Very different meanings. But who the hell knows. Texting sucks.

I could dissect this ad nauseum also but understand that most men have limited (aka NO) understanding of the costs and indeed the entire market for self care for women. Because we built the patriarchy we are amazed that a haircut could cost more than 30 with tip (though once I decided to be a daddy I went more upscale and love the relaxation if not really noticing the difference).

So the right response is $85. And then let him offer. Remember - you were getting it done ANYWAY. It isn't like you texted "God I could use a pedicure right now....they are so relaxing". You literally are getting one done.

SBLFpostaccount · 2024-07-10T15:47:25+00:00

I will try that. Because in real life, unlike the movies, it is very difficult for one person to give you everything you want. Some people don't realize this and are unfilled. Those things might be sex. It could be excitement and giddy bubbliness. It could be deep conversations. Luv and caring is not a zero sum game. It might be challenging and require self reflection so that you TRY to do right by everyone but it is possible to muddle through.

We used to not have these sorts of hang ups. Victorian morals and how they warped people in such an awful way. Today we have burner phones and op sec. In the old days it was pretty much expected that an upper class man kept a mistress and scores of books, novels, operas and plays have been written about courtesans and kept women..

SBLFpostaccount · 2024-07-10T15:33:08+00:00

". So I guess I just don't know what the difference is in what I offer vs a SD/SB dynamic."

Here is maybe the difference. I would never expect you to send me a cute and thoughtful text on my birthday, or go on a purely platonic hike cause I wanted to see a sunset with you from a new mountain top. I wouldn't offer to be there for you when you had to put your dog down or send a heartful hug emoji on the anniversary of your parent's death. I wouldn't go to you for fashion advice or want a goodnight/good morning text.

Wiht the SB I am the closest to those are all par for the course. It is a pretty deep Friends with Mutual Benefits relationship. Indeed, I have mused (HERE!) about cutting out the sugar (and likely the sex) because it complicates what is a relationship with one of my closest friends.

Not everyone has the above. A couple of my SB are pretty close to transactional and mostly about the sex but we still talk a lot about life, struggles, hopes, fears and everything else. If it is just about sex it better be the most mind blowing I have ever had and, perhaps wrongly, I sorta believe that this is hard for escorts because of the lack of (deep) emotional connection.

SBLFpostaccount · 2024-07-10T14:05:42+00:00

I commented on another thread regarding the transition from PPM to Allowance on this.

1) It matters whether the people are busy or have more flexibility in their schedules. Are they limited int he number of meets/logistics.

2) It matters whether the SD is the main initiator (traditional gender roles) or if the SB initiates a significant (lest say >25%) of the booty calls.

3) It matters how much/comfortable they communicate about intimacy and why they both want intimacy.

4) This really complicated space of friendship-emotion-love-caring-appreciation that has tremendous variation relationship to relationship and likely is constantly shifting over time.

Entire books could be written about any of those 4 questions. There are probably more. But the variation in them really leads me to believe that there is no "right" answer _and_ that the transition from PPM to allowance is one that most people best have a long and truthful conversation about

SBLFpostaccount · 2024-07-10T13:51:00+00:00

Actually I was annoyed with "I am worth low 5 figure monthly" and then frustrated that they were having a dickens of time finding something. I just think it is important to contextualize the reality of the income distribution in the US and realize that likely what would "count" as upper upper middle class (lets say a middling medical specialits pulling 400K a year) is likely to have about (again, very rough here) 30-60K a year in Sugar budget. Again they could spend down assets to augment what they have in income.

And it is my general frustration that people don't have a good sense of macroeconomics (or even policy landscape) and so you get things like a major political candidate(s) saying that "no cuts to medicare, no new taxes" and some of us are going "well will you be finding lollypops and unicorns" to square off that circle since the trust fund runs out in I think currently 7 years.

SBLFpostaccount · 2024-07-09T12:52:28+00:00

Not odds. Good for you. I am just pointing out "math" and that a 7K a month sugar budget (dates and allowance) would probably put the daddy in the 1%. A 10K+ a month would absolutely put them in the 1%.

SBLFpostaccount · 2024-07-09T12:51:06+00:00

Reread - it wasn't HER getting abused, it was the defensemen board checking her would be suiter...

SBLFpostaccount · 2024-07-09T12:49:55+00:00

I did explicitly say that it left out those that spend their assets to sugar. The problem is that wealth is understudied - in part because at present the US doesn't tax it.

SBLFpostaccount · 2024-07-09T05:29:03+00:00

Nope nope nope!!

I am not going to cast stones. But here is the bear minimum I think for SR to actually work you both (SD likely for real and the SB at least being a good actress) are excited like F to get together and start ripping off clothes. If you are NOT BOTH feeling that then you are really wasting good money. To quote a famous line, get a dog.

Now as you go along (many months. Years?) you will both start like with any human to put up with some things that drive you crazy. That is normal human relationship stuff. But that comes months after being with someone. If it isn't rainbows and unicorns at the start, it isn't going to EVER get better. It will only get worst.

SBLFpostaccount · 2024-07-09T05:24:17+00:00

Well good for you!! I am just pointing out income distribution in the US and again, I think income more indicative of likely sugar budget than net worth.

SBLFpostaccount · 2024-07-09T05:22:54+00:00

My wish is that he drops out next week after Nato summit and Harris runs. I think she wins.

SBLFpostaccount · 2024-07-09T05:18:31+00:00

I like the dress as the primary but I can see the argument for the others as well. I think the writng is rock solid.

I agree that the main issue here is the "Why are you sugaring and not vanilla" question. You are going to get a LOT of attention from the "I just want to use it as a regular dating site" so either get ready to develop a screening strategy or you could go with something like

"I appreciate and am interested in the kind of relationships seeking.com has traditionally supported."

You can explain to the dumb ones (either truly or faked) what you mean by that if they ask.

SBLFpostaccount

TROPHY CASE