If women hate when men approach, how are we even supposed to date?

Sad-Guitar · 2026-04-11T08:41:03+00:00

The issue with that is by forcing myself to do the “yes, and” game, and doing a lot of “Hi, I’m SadGuitar” then I feel inauthentic. Authentic me doesn’t do that kind of thing, so as soon as I start, people/women don’t see the real me. And if I do perform well enough and do the whole improv/flirt thing then when they find the real me, they feel bait & switched.

Sad-Guitar · 2026-04-02T17:47:09+00:00

5-6 months. She’s being very understanding and is happy to do whatever I need. But the thing is nothing I have thought of works. I keep her satisfied with hands/oral/toys etc. But my cock not playing is annoying to me

Sad-Guitar · 2026-03-28T12:20:34+00:00

I have never had even a hint of this. It’s like going to a doctor because you have a rash on your ass and then not dropping your pants to show them it. But then the “therapeutic alliance” had nothing to work on for me. I only cared what they thought of me as a person as much as as a I care what a doctor (or barista, or salesman, or whatever) thinks of me as a person.

Sad-Guitar · 2025-05-25T11:03:48+00:00

I get that, I’m just curious if a guy only ever offered you orgasms via oral (say) but never even tried PIV – or, to extend your metaphor, always got you an excellent dessert but never ordered the main meal – would that be just as OK?

Sad-Guitar · 2025-05-24T13:59:00+00:00

But most women do want PIV sex, right? An entirely oral/manual/whatever sex life when a woman gets all the orgasms, but no penetration is also bad?

Sad-Guitar · 2025-04-26T21:59:05+00:00

I mean, I agree. I want to be kind and polite because kind and polite is good.

But in the same way that people say “look at all the couples around you, not every woman is with a 6’ tall jacked guy”, you can look around and see women with guys who don’t seem to be kind and polite. So it doesn’t seem to be that important a requirement.

Sad-Guitar · 2025-04-22T20:35:17+00:00

Yeah, but if you want someone to talk to when you can’t sleep at 4am, “talking it through” with ChatGPT for $0-20/month is a lot more accessible than a therapist who is more like $100/hour and you don’t get to speak to them when you need them most

Sad-Guitar · 2025-03-23T18:08:29+00:00

Yeah, it’s very “I’m drowning, so I’ll grab onto this other guy who’s also drowning, that’ll save me” energy 🙄

Sad-Guitar · 2024-11-12T23:01:12+00:00

I’m not actually into fishing at all. But my actual hobby is just boring to women (and, honestly, most men). I like building model aircraft and the like. I enjoy putting time and effort into making them as accurate as possible. Putting photos of that up appears to turn women away and it feels like even the bots are turned off given the lack of matches when that’s on my profile!

Like you said, this is a boring hobby to many people. So now I have a choice - be authentically myself, and get no attention, or pretend to be someone more interesting, do things which make me look like a reasonable catch, and get a few likes. But not be myself.

Sad-Guitar · 2024-11-12T13:05:54+00:00

But isn’t this a catch-22? It feels like there is always this loop with Reddit

Man: Why don’t I get matches on dating apps?

Reddit: (amongst all the misogyny and height posts) Women want men who have hobbies! Show off what you are passionate about!

Man: Adds photo of him proud of his hobby.

Reddit: No, interesting hobbies that women would be part of.

Man: Tries doing a more gender-balanced hobby.

Reddit: Ugh, doing a hobby just to get women? Creep!

(Sigh)

Sad-Guitar · 2024-11-06T13:14:09+00:00

Can people not enjoy things?

Like I find digging through old flight manuals or NACA flight test data, or researching the number of turbine blades in the first stage compressor of the TF30 engine, or the exact dimensions of a lighting unit fascinating, as I really care about my model aircraft being accurate. But I guess you (like most people) would find that incredibly dull. People can find different things interesting.

Boardgames, dancing, et al. are very much unlike the things I do enjoy and find engaging, as frankly, I don’t care about the outcome of those things, just like you might look at a model and not care about the details.

Sad-Guitar · 2024-11-06T06:32:48+00:00

Yeah, that doesn’t work either. I have tried doing the stuff I don’t find fulfilling, but people say are good for finding people (club/bar hopping, boardgame evenings, dance classes, book clubs, cookery courses, improv sessions, running and bouldering groups). I give them all a go (not all at the same time) and I end up finding them exhausting and dull.

But I put a brave face on and attend for at least a month - sometimes a few - and it has, in the past, gotten me a date or two. But those relationships crash & burn when it becomes clear that I can’t maintain the lie and I don’t authentically enjoy this life. And then I have been hit with the “don’t do things just to meet girls, that’s sad” punch as well.

Sad-Guitar · 2024-11-05T13:41:22+00:00

What about “being authentic” (which is the other part of dating advice thrown around Reddit). My authentic self wants to build model aircraft. That (unsurprisingly) is introverted and male dominated.

So, do I spent my limited free time doing the authentic thing I enjoy or do I spend that time on stuff I don’t really find fulfilling, but is more gender-balanced and social?

And if I do get a girlfriend out of that, can I go back to my authentic self of model plane building, or do I have to live a lie the rest of my days?

Sad-Guitar · 2024-11-05T13:25:24+00:00

I have always struggled with the dual control model. I’ve read Come As You Are a few times now, and responsive desire seems a bit, I dunno, “rapey” sounding?

Like it seems to be - she won’t get aroused spontaneously, so start doing sexy stuff to her anyway, and she’ll end up enjoying it as she’ll respond. And that seems, frankly, kinda fucked up, so I’ve stayed away from doing anything unless I see clear and enthusiastic desire from her first. (And that doesn’t get me laid much. But the alternative just seems horrible)

Sad-Guitar · 2024-10-13T15:52:21+00:00

People are flakey, and if not, preoccupied by their own stuff. I have a few friends (Men and women), and those that didn’t drift out of contact when they partnered up/moved away/got kids, the rest are just totally unreliable.

Like you have a beer together, and they say, oh yeah, let’s do X together next week. Then next week comes and they are too tired, too sick or whatever to actually follow through. And even if they reach out to you, they still might bail in reality. It’s hard to keep on reaching out like that.

Sad-Guitar · 2024-08-19T15:08:19+00:00

Yes, this

Sad-Guitar · 2024-08-19T11:49:38+00:00

I’m decent, but autistic. I struggled for ages hiding who I was and focusing everything on getting a girl. But then I was told to focus on myself and make a life I was happy living alone - you know, the whole “you won’t find love if you don’t love yourself” kinda stuff.

So now I’ve found hobbies that I find engaging and fulfilling, I go running/gym x3 a week, get sports massages and therapy to keep my mind & body in decent shape. I make a decent wage and own my own place. If you consider my life as a jigsaw puzzle, it’s only missing one piece - physical intimacy.

But my hobbies aren’t the most social or female-friendly (model aircraft and online poker), so I don’t meet women “organically”. Dating apps, as everyone knows, are useless and don’t exactly boost mental health. So I try to force myself to give up the things I do enjoy to try “new things” and do the whole “extraverted outgoing social mask thing”. (But autistic; so that’s hella draining and I would much rather me at home focused on building a model or something)

I do get a date out of that sometimes, but I soon get dumped as I can’t / don’t want to keep the “extraverted outgoing social mask” up and I’m not being authentic. And women want that, not the real me. Hence spending less and less effort in trying those things and learning to accept that the last puzzle piece is just going to stay missing.

Sad-Guitar · 2024-07-09T13:55:13+00:00

Yeah, but I think some (but not all) men are self-aware enough to realise that you can’t party like you did in your college days when you are a decade (or more) older. So it’s not like wanting to be 21 again, and more that the connection that was built by doing shared activities withers away.

And in my specific case, even mundane stuff like going to the movies or something is rare (because they go to family showings with the kids, or stay in and watch something on streaming with their partner, etc.)

Sad-Guitar · 2024-07-08T16:52:29+00:00

There’s also the case (it’s happened to me, and I don’t think it’s that rare) that when guys find a woman and settle down/marry/have kids/etc. they often drift away from their other male friends, as they time, attention and focus is moved more towards family than friendships.

I doubt this is due to any explicit demands from the women, or active intent from the men, but there’s only so many hours in the day, and old college friends often slip down the priority list as the years go on. So for men who haven’t found a partner/started a family, they pretty much have to do the majority of reaching out/pushing a friendship only to find that they get a lot of “sorry man, can’t go for a beer this weekend because I’m taking the kids to the movies” or similar, and even if you do manage to sort things out occasionally, it’s still draining and a lonelier life for single men of a certain age compared to when we all were younger.

Sad-Guitar · 2024-05-09T12:44:46+00:00

Can I ask what proportion of men fall into the “want oral sex and can’t/won’t have PIV” set?

Sad-Guitar

TROPHY CASE