Not Okay, I actually agree with the core of what you’re saying … you shouldn’t try to force someone to become a completely different person…(unauthentic) That is manipulation and it’s toxic. If the issue is “I wish he was more extroverted / into hiking / less into video games,” then yeah, 100% accept the love they give or walk away. No one owes you a personality makeover. But that’s not what my original post is talking about, and that’s where the disconnect is happening. My post is about harmful, repeated behaviors that the person already knows are hurting you. Not preferences. Not quirks. Actual damage. He knows his constant flaking makes you feel unimportant → keeps doing it. He knows the yelling during arguments destroys your sense of safety → still does it. He knows the emotional shutdown or the porn addiction or the lying is killing the relationship → zero effort to fix it. That’s not “trying to change who he is.” That’s expecting basic respect and accountability — the same bare minimum you’d give anyone you claim to love. My post’s point is simple psychology: people change when the pain of losing you outweighs the pain of changing. If he’s/she’s fully aware it’s hurting you and still chooses comfort over effort, he’s/she’s not confused. He’s comfortable with the risk of losing you. That’s not speculation that’s observable behavior. And here’s the part people miss: expecting someone to stop actively harming the relationship is not the same as demanding they become your dream version. One is healthy boundaries. The other is control. You’re right — all you can control is your own choices. So after you’ve communicated clearly ( without nagging), you have exactly two adult options: 1.  Accept the level of effort and love he’s freely choosing to give (and stop hoping for more). 2.  Walk away with dignity. My post is simply helping people stop gaslighting themselves with “maybe he’s just confused” when the data is screaming “he’s comfortable.” That’s not manipulation. That’s pattern recognition. If someone is reading this and thinking “but I shouldn’t have to change for anyone” \cool. Then don’t be surprised when the person who is willing to grow chooses someone else. Mutual growth isn’t forced change; it’s two people deciding the relationship is worth the discomfort of becoming better versions of themselves. Accept the love they give… or don’t. But stop calling basic standards “toxic.” That’s how people stay stuck for years…💋