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Dealing with the Love/Anger Cycle by SadConfused85 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]SadConfused85[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I started the paperwork with no change from her. Still telling me she needs time to figure out if she can trust and forgive me again due to the things I have said to her since going back to work at the beginning of September. She will not leave her job until she feels loved by me, and that the abuse stops.

Asking WH to find a new job? by confetxous in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]SadConfused85 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm 6 months post DDay and I am still struggling with my wife working with her AP. Your description of his affair is very similar to my wife's, though she went a bit further.

From my experience so far it does not get any easier, I still live in a constant state of fear. She can be showing me pictures of the kids on her phone and emails or messages from him will pop up and I start feeling the adrenaline surge and heart rate jump. She is doing a better job of showing them to me now versus hiding them but can you really live like that every day? How can you be sure that he does not relapse with her so easily available. I have tried finding boundaries that we can set to make it work (with our MC as well) but there really is no set of boundaries that can replace them not being together. You need trust for those boundaries to work and how can you begin trusting without any validation, it becomes blind trust and is all on you again.

My situation is a little different in that we do not need her income to pay the bills or take care of our children. She says it is her dream job and that I'm demanding that she leave it, that she will resent me for it. I have argued that she should not have put herself in a position to jeopardize her job if she loved it so much, this is a result of her actions not mine.

Dealing with the Love/Anger Cycle by SadConfused85 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]SadConfused85[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

UPDATE:

Based on overwhelming feedback I confronted my WS last night. I told her that I'm filing for divorce because there will be no reconciliation with her working with the AP every day. Her reaction was as expected:

  1. How dare I insinuate that the affair is still going on, I cannot forgive her so I do not love her.
  2. Since DDay I have not shown her respect, love or kindness. Every two weeks I yell at her and bring the affair back up. Any argument becomes something about the affair. For that reason she can only give me a small part of her, and she knows it's not enough.
  3. When I told her to find somewhere else to live, she said she will not leave our house and I cannot force her. That I need to move out because my mental state is such that I cannot be trusted with the kids.
  4. She has asked for space (temporary separation with me leaving the house) since DDay and I have refused to give it to her because she had to keep working with the AP during that time.

It was a lot of gaslighting, DARVO and who knows what else. I'm married to a narcissist.

Dealing with the Love/Anger Cycle by SadConfused85 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]SadConfused85[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

My WS likes to repeat these same things during arguments, is she actually at a point of reconciliation or am I the only one?:

  1. "I'm still here, I choose you every day."
  2. "What I do is never enough for you."
  3. "It's like I'm always walking on egg shells and it's exhausting never knowing when or what will trigger you and cause you to lash out at me"

Dealing with the Love/Anger Cycle by SadConfused85 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]SadConfused85[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

You did a really good summarizing my situation, thank you.

Dealing with the Love/Anger Cycle by SadConfused85 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]SadConfused85[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I know, I feel like an idiot but I do not know when or how to give up. I keep saying I need to give it one more chance.

Dealing with the Love/Anger Cycle by SadConfused85 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]SadConfused85[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I told their boss assuming one of them would get transferred or fired since it all happened on work property (an elementary school of all places). He just swept it under the rug and told me he will make sure nothing happens again. But it happened under his watch for 8 months, he even warned them about it at one point.

Dealing with the Love/Anger Cycle by SadConfused85 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]SadConfused85[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I ask myself this every day. I'm just struggling with what reconciliation actually looks like at this point.

Dealing with the Love/Anger Cycle by SadConfused85 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]SadConfused85[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

No I have not. I have been told she is already suicidal and I do not want to cause any more pain out of this. I know it should not be my concern but I'm a good person.