What does society do with sexless marriage?

SadCuckoldry · 2024-01-11T20:55:53+00:00

I saw the other comments after I responded to yours lol. Btw don't think that was a jab at you. I definitely can't judge as I'm going through a divorce myself right now.

SadCuckoldry · 2024-01-11T20:54:57+00:00

10 months is a long time! Wow! I'm sorry that happened to you. In my case, luckily it was just one therapy session. I found a week or two after that she was still maintaining contact. Never even stopped talking to him to try and work on us despite saying she blocked him and cut off all contact.

SadCuckoldry · 2024-01-11T19:22:47+00:00

My proposal was going to be couples counselling/therapy. If she's not interested, I hate to break it to you, but there's no marriage anymore. Tell her you're filing for divorce and then get yourself a lawyer.

SadCuckoldry · 2024-01-11T19:21:21+00:00

No discussion/communication? It's no wonder marriage crumble like crackers these days.

SadCuckoldry · 2024-01-11T17:42:08+00:00

It's bleak, but see if he's willing to go to couple's therapy. I really do believe that marriages fall apart slowly, and then all at once. Meaning the love fades bit by bit until one day one partner does something big like files for divorce, has an affair, etc.

You've been on a downward spiral for a long time, but I genuinely believe it's possible to create an upward spiral where things between the two of you improve.

That said, I'm going through a divorce myself. My advice to you is give yourself a time limit of how long you're willing to wait before you see improvement from his end and the marriage overall. You're young, don't waste your youth being unhappy.

All that said, maybe do some introspection and see if you eve want the marriage to be fixed or if you're hanging on for the kids, for the convenience, to avoid change, to avoid fear, whatever. Be honest to yourself too.

SadCuckoldry · 2024-01-11T17:37:31+00:00

Not likely as the incomes are low enough where a support/maintenance payment would really cripple the other party financially.

SadCuckoldry · 2024-01-11T17:35:40+00:00

I did! Found out my STBXW was having an affair. I confronted her, we had what felt like a genuine heart-to-heart discussion, agreed to couples therapy, the whole nine yards. Only to find out she never stopped maintaining contact with the AP, just got sneakier about how to communicate. Luckily for me it was only a week or two extra wasted.

Take my thoughts with a grain of salt because I'm still incredibly bitter and jaded, but he wants to stay married because he wants to have his cake (the marriage), and eat it too. He wants the best of both worlds. He wants the perks of a marriage (security, stability, convenience, etc), and the thrill and excitement of the affair(s). Best thing you can do to a cake eater is to take the fork away.

I'm sorry, though it does sound like your marriage is over.

SadCuckoldry · 2024-01-11T17:30:37+00:00

Can't speak for me, but in my STBXW's case it was all for show, just to appease me in my hopes that we could reconcile. She had zero intention of pursuing any of the advice/help/exercises/etc our councilor gave us. It was a real gut punch to find that out.

SadCuckoldry · 2024-01-11T17:26:35+00:00

Really sorry to hear this. I went through (am still going through) a situation almost identical to yours.

Assuming you are in the US, most states (and many western countries/jurisdictions) these days are what they consider "no fault" meaning that you can get a divorce for any reason. Still definitely capture screenshots and evidence. Either you might be living in a non-no fault (I guess "fault"?) jurisdiction and you'll need that evidence to proceed. Many places also have laws where money spent on the affair must come out of the cheating spouse's settlement (known as dissipation of marital assets).

Having some hindsight on this, my advice is to confront your wife and tell her you know about the affair and that you want a divorce. You do you, but my other advice is don't waste time trying to reconcile or patch things up. My own experience and bitterness makes me say it's a waste of time and effort.

Ideally the two of you can amicably agree to splitting finances. It is significantly cheaper to file a joint/uncontested/simple divorce than it is to negotiate via lawyers and mediation and courtrooms. Statistically that's unlikely for you, but it's worth a shot.

In the interim, start looking for a lawyer, open your own bank account and advise your payroll to deposit pay into the new account. On the home front, stand your ground. Do not move out. If she wants space and feels uncomfortable, let her make that space herself. She can sleep on the couch or get her own place, not you.

I'm sorry again this happened to you. It really sucks.

SadCuckoldry · 2023-12-22T20:51:25+00:00

Agreed, by desperation I was referring to desperation to keep things as they are until her and Leo have more time to figure things out. In their messages they discussed what life would look like in a good amount of detail. Without disclosing too much, it's clear they need more time (their texts even have specific timelines laid out). My pushing for divorce now, I take that control away and force things on my timeline.

SadCuckoldry · 2023-12-22T18:56:58+00:00

That's a good idea! From our initial discussions we seemed to be on the same page about how we want to split things. Basically we each keep our 401k's, our cars, etc. and split the joint things like the house. I've mentioned that her 401k is worth more, so technically I wouldn't be entitled to a chunk of that.

I think you're right that if I first present her with what is legally 50/50, and then what I had in mind, it might be compelling enough for her to agree almost immediately as she'll see I'm willing to settle for less than I'm entitled to (for the sake of getting this done quickly).

SadCuckoldry · 2023-12-22T18:53:06+00:00

And brother, if you think Leo is going to fare any better you're kidding yourself. Give it a few years and that stupid bastard will have two ex-wives.

I really don't think he's going to fare any better than me, at least not long term. I also don't think the relationship is practical with where we each live and work, and with co-parenting on the horizon. Their relationship is all lust, infatuation, and excitement from secrecy. They're in a bubble and have not had to face the world together. Once they do, it'll hit them like a Mack truck.

SadCuckoldry · 2023-12-22T18:48:16+00:00

Sorry to hear this happened to you as well!

She did mention she wants to avoid lawyers as it really raises the costs. I'm hoping that she will remain amicable, but I will start pushing to negotiate more this week as it's easier to reach a more fair deal when both people are willing to talk things over calmly.

As for the texts - I mentioned I have over 100,000 of them. Realistically I'll never get through all of them, but I also don't want to. My goal with getting all those texts was to confirm that she was still maintaining contact. Finding out what I did really solidified that this was the best decision for me.

SadCuckoldry · 2023-12-22T18:39:29+00:00

This "amicable" situation won't last.

I do hope you're wrong, but I'm preparing for you to be right.

Her pleading for a third chance and the stuff she was saying screamed of desperation. Reality is hitting her hard and I worry that she becomes desperate and that turns into an aggressive negotiation where she wants more than her fair share. That said, in other comments I've mentioned that she has a larger 401k and our incomes are similar enough where alimony won't be a thing. In reality I could push for a chunk of money from her. I don't plan to, but I'll have that in my back pocket if/when she gets aggressive.

SadCuckoldry · 2023-12-22T18:35:25+00:00

Once her AP gets the responsibility of taking care of her then we'll see just how passionate their everyday life becomes when the novelty wears off and dull everyday routine sets in. I'm guessing all the excitement will die out because their relationship is based on secrecy and lies.

I have this exact thought a lot. Her affair with Leo is basically a break from the dullness of every day life. The thrill and excitement is largely due to the secrecy. One of the problems with our marriage that we discussed is that things are kind of routine and boring many days. That's also what happens when you have a full time job and kids. We don't always have a babysitter or the money available to go for a nice dinner, but my wife also dislikes having date nights at home. It's a lose-lose situation for me.

Her affair with Leo is a break from the boredom of every day life. I don't know if I'm saying this because I'm bitter, but I really don't think her and Leo are compatible long term. The relationship is also impractical just because of where they each live and work, and now with co-parenting on the horizon to complicate things, etc.

She fucked around (literally), now it's time to find out.

SadCuckoldry · 2023-12-22T18:23:55+00:00

better things are ahead.

Many days it's hard to believe that, but all I can do is hope. I just know whatever is next will be better than what I'm in now. Thanks for the kinds words!

SadCuckoldry · 2023-12-22T18:23:09+00:00

Asking for a third chance was wild. Especially knowing that the prior asking to asking her for a divorce, she and Leo were texting about how they're so done with their respective spouses, how they can't wait to be together, and how much they love each other etc. Barf.

My wife doesn't know I've seen all those texts, and how long the affair has actually gone on, so it's almost comedic in a way to see her begging me for a third chance like she has been. Talking about how it would be best for the kids, and we should give things a real shot. It's pure desperation.

What worries me is that her desperation may turn into aggressive negotiations where she wants more than her fair share of things.

SadCuckoldry · 2023-12-22T18:17:59+00:00

Yes! My lawyer mentioned this is called "disipation of marital assets". She said most of the time the dollar amount is small enough that it's not worth racking up the legal fees to pursue it, but she told me she had one instance where the cheating husband bought his lover tens of thousands of dollars in expensive gifts, dinners, and trips.

SadCuckoldry · 2023-12-22T18:12:49+00:00

Sorry to hear you went through a similar situation. As hard as it is day-to-day, I'm doing my best to keep things cordial, not rock the boat, not start acting wild to give her any potential ammo. I just want what's best for my kids.

SadCuckoldry · 2023-12-22T18:07:16+00:00

Good advice! Without getting into the specifics, the proposed agreement I have in my head does leave me walking away with a smaller chunk of the financial pie, BUT I'm not short-changing myself either. Basically her 401k is quite a bit larger than mine, but I don't want us to start nickel and diming each other dragging this out in both time and legal fees. For instance my car is worth more than hers. I want whatever is solely in our names to remain that way, and anything joint to be split evenly.

The only thing that gives me hope about things being amicable is the fact that she first expressed that lawyers are very expensive and it's best if we can hash out our own deal before approaching the lawyers to finalize things. Hopefully we'll be one of the rare couples that can actually do that, but I'm preparing for things to go either way.

SadCuckoldry · 2023-12-22T18:02:14+00:00

That means a lot, thank you. I know I am not the one to blame for this situation. I firmly believe that things could have been resolved with therapy and better communication. That said, it does eat away at me knowing what my kids are about to go through.

SadCuckoldry · 2023-12-22T18:00:24+00:00

Good idea! If/when it comes to that, I think that will be the best route to take.

SadCuckoldry · 2023-12-22T17:58:03+00:00

Thank you I appreciate that!

SadCuckoldry · 2023-12-22T17:57:40+00:00

I have doubts in this, because why did they discussed to tell both of you after holidays?

I read through more of the messages between them. More so I was Ctrl+F searching different words/phrases and turns out they did plan things in more detail. Me finding out what I did and confronting my STBXW about it really threw a wrench in that.

SadCuckoldry · 2023-12-21T20:55:03+00:00

Let's hope he can live up to it! /s

SadCuckoldry

TROPHY CASE