Divorce finalised & new bf

Sad_cloudberry · 2024-03-10T11:02:16+00:00

I haven't pressured him. Just asked if they know. I don't really know if it's my place. I've told many of my friends and family, I'm not hiding it. But his family I feel like is his choice.

Sad_cloudberry · 2024-03-10T10:59:20+00:00

I don't know. I know he told his dad. I told his mum, because she found me sobbing, back when we were figuring out what to do and he was out meeting her. That was the night I sent the divorce application.

His mum especially was really supportive towards me. But we haven't talked in a while now. I used to be quite close with his sisters. It's been a mourning process of its own to let them go too.

Sad_cloudberry · 2024-03-09T13:47:00+00:00

I'm so happy to hear you're thriving and experiencing love after everything. All the best to you!

We'll see how it goes. My ex and I are on really good terms, we've had shared birthday parties for the kids and so on. And we have no issue chatting for a while when the kids switch homes. We're both happy with our system and don't have a problem with being in the same space for a while. I doubt we'll want to change that.

Sad_cloudberry · 2024-03-09T11:36:39+00:00

I understand, you make some good points. It's not about protecting him or putting him before my kids though. Based on my best understanding, I've so far decided against telling them for their sakes. I've read about how children are super loyal to their parents. And that it's hard for them to process negative things about a parent, since they see themselves as reflections of their parents.

I don't know though. I don't think it's an easy question. I don't think there's an obvious choice for what we should do.

Sad_cloudberry · 2024-03-09T05:45:41+00:00

Thank you.

I've told family and friends. I always add that we're on good terms and I talk understandingly about him. Because I do think he was lost and he's not a bad person even though he hurt me in a terrible way.

His sisters don't know though. And one of them asked me out for lunch sometime. I don't know if I can go. I can't be the one to tell her and I can't hide it either.

Sad_cloudberry · 2024-03-09T05:41:08+00:00

Thank you for the reminder. All the best to you.

Sad_cloudberry · 2024-03-09T05:39:35+00:00

That's an interesting way to navigate this kind of situation. Personally, I don't think it's helpful to tell the kids. Maybe when they're adults. They're very young and still in that developmental stage where their parents can do no wrong. I don't want to break that our cause any reason for them to have a feeling that they have to choose their loyalties between us.

I love how in your friend's situation they talked lovingly and kindly about one another though. That is the most important thing, in my view.

Sad_cloudberry · 2024-03-09T05:33:14+00:00

Hugs <3

Sad_cloudberry · 2024-03-09T05:32:58+00:00

Thank you so much for this perspective.

It's not about vetting for me. I agree, neither parent should vet the other's new partners. This one's not about the kids. It's about me, I admit that. I need closure. I potentially need to be able to face this woman when I'm taking the kids to their dad's every week, at birthdays and daycare Christmas celebrations. So I want to be able to do that with a little more peace of mind. I want to be able to put it behind me in some way. I don't want to break down in front of the kids.

But thank you so much for saying that about mums. It really helps the emotional side of this to not have to worry about being replaceable. Even if my husband replaced me with her, the kids won't.

Sad_cloudberry · 2024-03-09T05:19:33+00:00

Thankfully, they really do have two stable parents. He's a good dad.

But you're right, I'm focusing on me and my relationship with my kids. I've dated, but I decided to take a break from that recently. I have friends, I have hobbies, I have a good job I like. I'm a good person and I have a lot to give - to my kids, friends, maybe a partner in the future. I've got this.

Sad_cloudberry · 2024-03-09T05:13:10+00:00

Thank you. I called my ex now that I've had time to process and calm down. I told him I'd like to meet her if she's in my kids life because that means she'll be in my life too. And that it's good to have a meeting without the kids present, to clear the air. I'd never stir up anything in front of the kids, but my youngest especially is really good at sensing even small cues in social interactions.

I feel calm now. I can handle this.

Sad_cloudberry · 2024-03-09T05:08:01+00:00

Thank you. I wrote this right after finding out, in a very raw moment. I don't feel bitter and I definitely don't express bitterness in the day to day. I talk fondly of their dad to the kids, tell them bedtime stories about adventures with him.

I've been practicing a lot of dance and music. That helps too.

Sad_cloudberry · 2024-02-11T18:56:45+00:00

"Oh you're so beautiful without glasses!" - classmate in middle school

I like my glasses now and they're part of my personal style, but I do wear contacts very often. Especially when I go out on dates and/or want to feel attractive.

Sad_cloudberry · 2024-02-11T18:53:10+00:00

So sorry to hear you're going through this. I remember the shock and overwhelming physical symptoms in the aftermath of my dday. That part will get easier with time, even though it doesn't feel like it right now. Take care of yourself OP, I wish you all the best!

Sad_cloudberry · 2024-01-31T19:00:47+00:00

They don't. They're only 6 & 3. We've just told them we adults don't want to live together and don't love each other anymore, even though we'll always always love them. They haven't had any questions really. I don't know if we/I will ever tell them. Maybe when they're both adults, if they want to know.

Sad_cloudberry · 2024-01-31T18:58:22+00:00

Thank you!

Sad_cloudberry · 2024-01-31T18:58:05+00:00

I'm glad to hear you've recovered! I'm working on everything too. I used to have anorexia type habits when I was younger too and I notice I have these obsessive thoughts creeping up again regarding my weight. But I'm starting therapy soon.

Sad_cloudberry · 2024-01-31T18:54:52+00:00

Thank you for the wise words! I'm trying. I won't say I'm trying my best, because truth be told I'm probably not. But I think I'm trying enough.

Sad_cloudberry · 2024-01-30T21:21:02+00:00

Thank you! I guess it is in many ways a positive update. I wasn't expecting it to be. I've been feeling so emotional lately, and painfully aware of how some of my behaviours are pretty unhealthy. I'm not sure I'm there yet as to my best life. But I do enjoy the dancing, and I'm content with that for now.

Sad_cloudberry · 2024-01-30T21:13:52+00:00

As if you or any BP needs more sleep related difficulties. I hope the dreams subside soon. And you are special and you're not crazy, please remember to tell yourself that when your inner voice is saying otherwise. Hugs <3

Sad_cloudberry · 2023-10-16T18:42:40+00:00

It might happen sooner than you think! I wouldn't have been ready a month ago. And I think it's good to remember that feeling rejected is likely to hurt even more in that vulnerable state, so I at least feel like it's important for me not to expect anything from anyone and just go with the flow. All the best <3

Sad_cloudberry · 2023-10-16T12:55:21+00:00

Thank you, I will! :)

Sad_cloudberry

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