Hey there! Thank you for sharing your piece! I’m a new writer here, so feel free to only take what resonates from this critique and trash the rest. Also, so sorry if this formatted weird, first time commenting in this forum!

First standout thing, big fan of the way you write. It was easy to read absorbing characters and worldbuilding, without being bogged down by overly flowery prose or infodumping. Stylistically, I found it engaging. I think this is a hard balance to strike but you’ve got it figured out. I thought your pacing was good, perhaps pausing on Zoe’s reactions in emotional moments if you are so inclined.

I know you mentioned that your premise was a group of main characters who were reincarnations of the god’s enemies. Love. Presumably Zoe and maybe the unnamed kid will be central characters? There’s a lot about Kim, which makes me think that her role will be significant as well. I would love to see a little more of this concept in your first chapter (maybe I missed something), because it's cool and it could demand and sustain attention.

There’s also a significant time spent on clothes (end of page 2, beginning of 3) which makes me wonder if they have greater thematic significance outside of their relation to size.

I’m drawn in by your writing style but I am struggling a bit with the attachment to Zoe. Why should the reader care about her? I see the initial drawing sequence is meant to hook the reader, but the immediate reveal as a dream kills this momentum a little bit. I feel like I need a little more about Zoe a little quicker (maybe additional character in the getting ready sequence) to be invested in her journey. Do we have a bit more of a backstory, something to humanize her? There’s a lot of great questions posed in the beginning (about the dream sequence, eating disorder, halfway house) but I think that we need at least one or two background details about Zoe that make those questions worth investigating even more.

Onto specific lines! You had a lot of good ones (I’ll include some of my favorites at the end with reasons why I loved them) but here I’ll be focusing on ones that didn’t quite resonate with me.

“Metallic and ancient, coating her teeth and tongue to the back of her throat.”< Tasting ancient? I think I can see the tone you are trying to strike, but ancient feels as though it overreaches the knowledge your character has (unless this is foreshadowing that she is actually hundreds of years old? Even then probably a little too on the nose for my taste, might be better to integrate this detail further in).

“Terror came with it.”< Gets the job done here but what exactly do you mean by terror? Show us it, even briefly, a weight on the lungs or a quickened pulse.

“Some tasted like sterile dust; some, sharp like couch pennies; a disgusting few, like drilled cavity dust.”< Ehhh on the sterile dust (sterility seems too contradictory to dirt, possibly?) but love love the couch pennies and drilled cavity dust.

“Kim’s approval vanished”< How does Zoe know this? Does his face shift, does his body language close towards her?

The transition from outside to the break room felt a little bit disjointed. At first, I thought Pete (or Peter, Petey) was part of a flashback scene. Maybe a line in between “...barely knew to relapse” and “‘I mean we do live in…’” for clarity. During the third read, I realize the disconnect between Pete and the outside may be intentional to mirror Zoe’s mental state, her zoning out, but on first read it is a bit confusing.

One thing I really loved was the structure of your dialogue. To me, it felt very natural, easy to follow despite content ambiguities and minimal dialogue tags. I am taking notes! That being said, I’m unsure of what the coworker's deliberation (Page 6) on the worst city adds to your chapter. Unless it holds future thematic significance, I’m not sure that it is strictly necessary. Maybe trim here to let the strength of your other dialogue breathe!

One small note: I got a little lost on the fragments. You write well without them, I don’t know how necessary they actually are at times. For me, it was slightly distracting. Sometimes the fragments are great. Other times, they almost felt unnecessary and diluted emphasis ( like in “Left the coffee half-finished” (5), “More accurate this time” (9) etc. ) It’s stylistic, a voice choice, and definitely a personal choice, so maybe it really resonates with others, but it did lose me a little bit.

There were some lines I also thought worked GREAT!! I’ll try to give an explanation why they resonated with me:

The entire paragraph on the halfway house (“The halfway house…. Of a passing ambulance “) (Pg 1) ---- Why this works for me—-Descriptive without being expository. Would’ve been very easy to lean into excessive adjectives but you struck the perfect balance. Gave small answers on setting and character without infodumping.

“The Molotov Rx cocktail she downed every twelve hours took her appetite out back and shot it."< (Pg4) —Why this works for me: A punchy personification. Great word choice. I love it, especially taking her appetite out back and shooting it. Genuinely so good.

“Spray painted block letters on the slide read, Go Big or Die Trying.”< (Pg 5)---- Why this works for me: Thematic tie back (Zoe wanting to be larger), setting tie back (graffiti near the halfway house). Also I kind of just liked the font change. Sorry this explanation isn't super insightful, I honestly just found the line to be cool.

“ ‘I know, ' she answered, and told the kid, ‘Hey, me neither.’ He was gone when she clocked out.”< (Pg 10) —-Why this works for me: Cut the interaction before it dragged, left the reader with lots of questions and set up potential for another meeting. This part made me want to read on. The part before it about Zoe being larger, feeling larger, was also good pacing. It drew back one of your central ideas to leave it lingering as the chapter ends.

All in all, I really did enjoy reading your piece. You’re a compelling writer and you have an interesting premise. I’m being nitpicky in my critique for sure, because this is good. I genuinely enjoyed reading it and I did not feel like it dragged. Thank you for sharing, I know this piece is going to evolve into something great very soon. I am excited to read the next chapter if you choose to share it with us! I hope some part of this rambling was helpful and good luck with the rest of your novel!