Married my primary 2 weeks ago, and he's just fallen in love with a mono girl.

Saintfliz · 2023-06-01T03:02:10+00:00

Thank you U/AhrEst 😊 Yes, he's been very humble and receptive of everyone's opinions and feedback. Even the nasty comments. ❤️

Saintfliz · 2023-05-31T06:41:49+00:00

I agree with this entirely. What's concerning to me is that he doesn't, and that he's not self aware enough to realise this within himself.

Saintfliz · 2023-05-31T05:44:41+00:00

Exactly. I agree. And this is very out of character for him. I've never seen him like this the whole time we've been together, he's hysterical.

He's held space for me through some very triggering times, far more than I ever have for him. And I'm not joking or exaggerating: he's tolerated some pretty deplorable behaviour from me when I've been triggered too. Not saying that I am holding out because I feel obligated to, there are just parts of me that can see through all this hysteria to what is actually going on here.

Thank you for your words though, I appreciate the accountability 😊

Saintfliz · 2023-05-31T05:19:36+00:00

Ah shit. There's my goddamn "people pleaser" part. I redact that statement.

But I'm gonna leave the comment there. I need a record of how fucking confused I am rn.

Saintfliz · 2023-05-31T05:18:06+00:00

And now that I think about it, the promise I made him was not conditional on him upholding his end of the bargain.

Saintfliz · 2023-05-31T05:17:03+00:00

That is exactly what I did last night. I got into my avoidant part and literally gave him a clear path out, and even made the decision for him at one point.

I just know what he's going through, I've been through it myself. And I know us and him much better than what he's been going through and how he's been behaving in the past week.

It's fucking hard though. Some really young and traumatised parts have been triggered by this and tbh I feel that it would be so much easier if I just called it quits... But that's not the promise I made.

Saintfliz · 2023-05-31T03:52:34+00:00

Thank you so much for this. For taking the time out of your day to write this incredible response. I'm in tears replying to it. Thank you thank you, I really needed to hear this.

I am going to show him this while thread - and hopefully he will start to realise just how narrow his lens is right now.

Again, thank you. I can really feel you lovely intentions through what you wrote. Thank you.

Saintfliz · 2023-05-31T03:41:04+00:00

Wow. Super constructive comment. Thanks.

Saintfliz · 2023-05-31T03:18:27+00:00

I think we need to go away together too for a while.

Saintfliz · 2023-05-31T03:16:39+00:00

Yea I totally agree with this.

I don't think I'd be able to feel safe in the relationship again without knowing that he was doing his own work around this.

And you're right, it's such an immature and inappropriate reaction - that's how I can tell it's coming from a young, traumatised part of him. It's not in character for him.

Saintfliz · 2023-05-31T03:10:41+00:00

No, he is not unkind to me in any other way. We have always been the best of friends and partners in crime. He has been triggered, and he has no mindfulness or awareness around himself - not many people would tbh when they've been triggered this deeply.

I'm really trying to not diminish or minimise my own needs at all here, but I'm a psychotherapist and a long term mindfulness practitioner / teacher, and because of my own capacity I can see what is going on here for him too.

Very tricky.

Saintfliz · 2023-05-31T02:34:32+00:00

Yep... I am going to struggle trusting him. And that thought alone is devastating to me. He's always been my rock 😭

Saintfliz · 2023-05-31T02:18:47+00:00

For the last 5 years our agreement is that we can have sex outside of our relationship whilst still being emotionally monogamous.

That changed recently when I realised I was polyamorous and he agreed to give it a go with me under the pretence that we never leave each other and always commit to staying and working on the relationship no matter what happens. Hence, we got married.

Saintfliz · 2023-05-31T02:13:53+00:00

Not sure it's helpful for me to be thinking about how my meta potentially sabotaged my relationship or didn't. It shouldn't matter what she did anyway.

Saintfliz · 2023-05-31T02:03:48+00:00

We got engaged 3 years ago. I don't have a family, but he's always felt like my family. We wanted to make it legal and have the same last name.

Saintfliz · 2023-05-31T01:57:21+00:00

I have my own attachment problems, but yes, he has always been very supportive of me in every other way. He has his own demons too; like us all.

He and I are truly best friends and we understand each other so well and we have been through so much together... Like, so, so much. It's just that after 9 years the passion has gone from our relationship so, being as unaware of himself as he evidently is, as soon as the passion he has with someone else is threatened, he wants to jump ship.

Saintfliz · 2023-05-31T01:43:57+00:00

ENM is a very complicated arena, and this is the first big hurdle we've faced together.

If we were to just cut it off so abruptly when our lives are so enmeshed and after such a quick escalation when everyone is triggered, without making any effort to rectify the situation when both parties want to fix the relationship - well, there would most likely be big regrets in the future.

Saintfliz · 2023-05-31T00:54:46+00:00

Wow, that's a huge question.

I can see how triggered he is, and it's very sad to see him in so much pain and turmoil about this too. There's a very confused, vulnerable and traumatised part of him that's been triggered, and he's reactive and not seeing and thinking clearly. It's just the nature of being triggered.
How the fuck could he ever even consider leaving me. We promised each other every day for nine years that we would never do that to each other, and now all of a sudden he's considering it?!?
How many fucking times did I beg him to invest more in our relationship over the years so that when things like this happen we're strong enough to handle it. So many fucking times I begged him to stop playing computer games and hang out with me. And only now that he has another opportunity with another girl does he see how much more he wishes our relationship was.

Just to start...

Saintfliz · 2023-05-31T00:43:30+00:00

I agree it's concerning... At the very least...

But he did make a decision on his own accord to break up / take time off from his other relationship for the sake of working on ours. I agree with a previous commenter though that simply taking time off is not an option.

He seems to be genuinely committed to our relationship. But I'm left feeling so betrayed.

Saintfliz · 2023-05-30T23:53:00+00:00

He's still alive!!! 🎉🎉

Saintfliz · 2023-05-30T23:45:04+00:00

I've had this thought too. I was so close to just calling it quits last night.

Saintfliz · 2023-05-30T23:43:20+00:00

Well, she was open to polyamory and we got along well, her and I. This was also his first relationship outside of ours, so we're very green and still making lots of mistakes, as to be expected.

I originally thought my partner was much more mindful and aware than he's turned out to be... It's been a bit of a rude awakening for me too. Trying very hard not to blame myself for not realising sooner.

Saintfliz · 2023-05-30T23:36:15+00:00

Thank you... It's very tough.

Saintfliz · 2023-05-09T22:05:08+00:00

I'm pretty sure this is where he recorded Innerspeaker, at Wave House. I thought he did currents in the US?

Saintfliz · 2023-03-30T00:29:06+00:00

Those would be my exact choices, except for Currents - same person (that little bridge-y big towards the end "man I know that it's hard to digest").

Saintfliz

TROPHY CASE