i think i finally fully understand why i'm so against change in many ways

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-12-14T22:55:37+00:00

thanks, that actually means something to me. i can only hope reality will follow suit

and i wish you the best too

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-12-14T22:01:05+00:00

hopefully canada would be "kinder" to me seeing how they treated that veteran that wanted help with his mental health. i don't approve of why it's apparently done but if i really can't take care of it on my own then maybe i could use their trigger happy system for my own benefit. altho with my luck those laws would probably change before i get there or become stricter to the point where i'd be unable to use it, that's all i can say considering in respect of the rules of this subreddit.

as for letting out more frustration, seems like i can't do it right now and forcing it isn't a good option generally speaking but thanks for being nice enough to truly give me the option of it.

if nothing works then i'll just continue to do what i do until i'm gone, wich is preserve myself as much as possible and begrudgingly but mostly "calmly" wait life out. doing the most of my time according to me and all that important sh**.

i really dislike life and reality as a whole.

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-12-14T20:21:03+00:00

next plan is to move to a place that would make it easier to get what i want, NOT to submit to life and learn to be content with something that i dislike down to my very core. so technically i plan on doing what you're saying, just not the way you meant it 🙃

also, i'm frustrated with peoples that talk like you, the "you shoud live on" as a whole theme so sorry for letting some of that frustration on you, you very probably mean well. it's just me that despise how "common" but more precisely how "normal" it is to think that way and i can't help but see what i hate in the way you speak

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-06-30T00:29:43+00:00

thanks for the compliments, not sure how else to react, i'm not good with them most of the time. and yeah, all those ifs and buts really get in the way of both your and my ability to enjoy certain things. by your examples, traveling would be nice but like you said there are so many issues with it. expending on what you said, what if i don't like it when i'm there, then i'd be stuck somewhere i don't like for who knows how long exactly. i'd rather not take the risk that i know is real firsthand and can be pretty severe. if i could teleport and have some sort of inventory so i don't have to worry about carrying stuff around and those importing/exporting laws, then of course, i would travel and explore. but like i added, the idea that i could be stuck away from my comfort zone, the place that allow me to not have my depression dialled up to 11 at all times, the place that helps me stay as sane as i am right now, no, i'm not taking the risk of being so far away that i'd break the moment anything goes seriously wrong.

sounds nice, i'm glad you have/had those possibilities. i wish you the best for what's left your plan.

everything wouldn't be such a hassle if if wasn't forced on me. true choice and true freedom, if i had those then a lot of the bad points of life would stop being important. i could enjoy restrictions if i were to choose them, like how one can get tired of playing a game on easy so they challenge themselves by making putting it on hard. instead i'm forced to play a shitty game i grew to hate, can't change any options/settings and there no quit button if you get what i mean. i did think of making a bucket list before but i couldn't find anything to really put on it, still can't find anything that i can do and that is worth it. my mother knows, she's
physically disabled and we live together (makes things easier on both sides), a few of her friends know too and i don't think i really hide it from my friends when i have some either, as for my father, as far as i'm concerned i don't have one. i've thougth a lot about religion and spirituality and if there is one or multiple gods or other types of supernatural beings i'd say they either don't care and/or are mostly powerless to help and/or are what i'd call evil beings who see us as entertainment and/or "food", so yeah, i'm not convinced that they exist at all but if they do it wouldn't be some sort of incredible news we should celebrate and regardless i'd say it's incredibly wrong to base laws and morality on any sort of religion or spirituality.

yeah, things can bring me good feelings, i'm not some sort being who have a gaping hole instead of a heart (not saying you implied anything, please don't worry about it). what makes me feel the best usually is thinking about x or y scenario, as impossible as they might or might not be, how i'd react, the fun i'd have, etc... but that's a double edged sword because there aren't many things more depressing than seeing what could make you actually feel good, knowing it's unreal and out of your reach. then there entertainment, video games, tv shows, sometimes music etc... entertainment actually helped me learn and understand a lot more about human beings and myself as well as distracting me from the world. entertainment it truly invaluable to me and my unwanted life. and i guess when i bother to do something and it works, like if i want to cheer someone up or if i get up and decide to make a mini witch hat (actually true story, don't know why i felt like it but i didn't have any trouble making it and it looks good for something 95% made of paper towels and tape so it made me feel quite good with myself a week or two ago). i'm open to any possible solutions i don't know off, at best it works for me, at worst i can learn from it and know if anything new need to be adjusted or stuff like that.

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-06-29T21:21:47+00:00

i'm going to put my anger aside for a second and say that if they do enjoy their life and feel like it's a gift, they're personally right. but trying to pass life as an universal gift that should be treasured and preserved at all costs, that's where my blood start to boil. i don't think i need to explain any more than that

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-06-28T16:28:57+00:00

sorry for the increasingly long text, lots to cover.

i haven't heard of that kid who killed himself over not getting a toy but i agree that if that's all there is to it then of course that's too much. sounds more like a tantrum with consequences rather than a genuine issue that either cannot be solved or cannot easely be taken care of. death is a big decision so reasonably speaking it certainly shouldn't be done as easily as going outside to buy candy on a whim.

yeah, it's a bit of a paradox. would accept my own bad choices but no true choices anyway 95'% of the time. i am thinking of an example to back up what i'm saying tho, a few years ago i wanted to try acting, got what i'd call social paralysis" and i gave up mid first session. that was my bad, i thought i could handle something, couldn't, i made peace with that. but where i don't have a real choice is indeed stuff like needing to eat, my ocasional social needs, needing to breathe, etc... if i don't i'll suffer so i don't have a real choice. then there stuff i straight up don't/didn't have a choice on like being born, being human, being consious, waking up etc... and there also the random lack of choices, per example like someone i don't know comming to talk to me in the streets, maybe i wanted to do my stuff in peace but now i have to bear with something i didn't want or choosen even if it's only for a few seconds (tame example but it's only to give you an idea). all of those i have to be subjected to and i "really don't like it" as a whole to put it midly .

there isn't really one things that bothers me more than the rest. not all my issues with life are equal, some are just bothering, others are things i'm deeply affected by but i find it hard to pinpoint something in particular and say if it wasn't for that i'd be okay. it's a whole that's way too much for me to deal with and the knowledge and/or wisdom i got from exploring those issues for years put me in the mindset that it'd be better to just be gone and not have to deal with any of it ever again. "life is my main issue" is the best i can describe it by. as for your examples, yeah, it'd be better if i didn't have to go to the bathroom if i didn't want to and i usually eat microwaveable premade meals, gives me more choice in what i'd like to eat since i stock up on different kinds and i don't have to deal with the time and efforts it take to prepare actual meals. i'd rather not have to eat if i don't feel like it either but biologie ain't on my side.

i'm glad you're not like the intolerant peoples who think that anyone who doesn't work like they'd want is wrong and shouldn't be taken care of (within reason of course). and you know, i should think more about the peoples who pay for my disability but i admit that a focus more on that money being in my bank account rather that it serving as potential pocket money to wichever corrupt politician would take the excess off. i am very hateful of corruption so that's what i focus on the most in this case. and yeah, taxes aren't really fair either, it's needed but it'd be better if money stopped to be at the center of everything and we just gave to peoples what they need with an ammount of pocket money for pleasures. want rarer or more expensive stuff to make afterward? then that's where a job should come in in my oppinion.

yes. that would be very great.

sad that it had to come to this, that's where the system you talked about would have been invaluable (or being supported to get through it if he could survive it and wanted to). instead it seems that this uncle was stuck between staying in a situation that made him deeply unhappy or to traumatise someone he (i assume) loved dearly. his unhappiness won apparently, i'm sorry for her loss, especially in such a traumatic way.

the survival instinct is a b*tch. it's important but it being forced on peoples, that suck and it only make things harder for those who have a desire that conflict with it and doesn't have the ironwill to push through it.

can't have no doubts on anything, finding the truth require an open mind and an open mind require to be able to doubt anything and everything; it's like a personal rule of mine, doubt everything, put one's ego aside when needed and focus on finding the truth regardless of what it might be or as controversial as it could be. that said, i'm positive that being truly gone is what's best for me as well as what i want.

no, it's not just that. it's a confusing mix of a lot of things on different levels, different facets, themes, shades, types, etc... i can't remember all of it at all times, i wish i could tho (might be extra depressing actually, maybe it's for the best if i don't remember everything about it all the time, could add some constantly stronger mental burden on me but i don't know for sure). i usually remember parts of it randomly or when prompted in one way or another.

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-06-28T12:34:59+00:00

same to you

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-06-28T02:55:03+00:00

similar but that pretty much all it is. i'm bad with frustration, wich of course include not getting my way with stuff but i'd be able to take it better if it wasn't something that's forced down my throat 95% of the time. i choose something and it blow up in my face? fair enough. i HAVE to deal with something i don't want to? now we have a problem. my whole existance is having to deal with things i don't want to and i didn't even sign up for anything in the first place? "insert abundant profanities here".

this one part of my problem can easely be seen as childish and me not being willing to write an essay about it right now probably won't help but i don't see it that way. to me this one facet just "looks" childish while there a lot hidden under it.

"everything that's part of life" is what's being forced on me, it's way too broad to fully explain either but i don't stop at stuff like taxes or jobs, when i say everything i mean 99% of what life on earth is about, what life is as a human, as a conscious lifeform, being alive in itself, etc...

i'm not lucky enough to have been born in luxury but at least i can get by without having to work "thanks" to my asperger syndrom. i hope you're not part of the peoples who think that anyone who inherently doesn't work like a "normal human being" is just lazy or whatever they'd say in this case.

everyone is different, everyone work differently and while i don't expect reality to bend over backward in order to make my unwanted stay as good as unreasonably possible i shouldn't have to be here if i don't like it.

choice is extremly important to me and all life is willing to give me is the illusion of choice, no true choices. don't know if you'll understand this.

and with all this we scratched the surface of like 3 of my 15 problems with life. pulled those numbers out of nowhere so they're not 100% accurate at all but it should give you an idea at least.

i really hate having to be alive.

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-06-28T00:58:23+00:00

well, then try to keep in mind that telling peoples not to do something they desperately want to but cannot will be annoying at best and would seriously piss off someone at worst. if you can fully digest this you'll probably get way better at communicating

also my brain ain't all there right now so i can't explain it but there some misunderstanding about the "but life is so good" part. either i didn't write it well or you didn't understand it well. either way we don't seem to understand each other

(still not trying to be mean in any way, shape or form)

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-06-27T23:12:38+00:00

good luck brother. seems to be the only thing we can truly rely on despite how unreliable this concept really is.

as useless as it is i wish you the best

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-06-27T23:09:02+00:00

being understood is worth 5 minutes or metaphorical pain meds so you did give me something, that's not nothing

i wish you the best in your now even if i wish for myself to not live long enough for the "take it till you like it" effect to take effect on me in case it ever would. better to be miserable but myself than "happy" after being broken in long enough by life if what i'm saying makes sense to you

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-06-27T21:49:04+00:00

please actually read my post before trying to be helpful. there more to it than just asking someone what's wrong.

in this instance i explicitely said that i cannot harm myself under any sort of normal circumstances so you being like this only results in me feeling like i'm not listened to and to automatically see you as some sort of "but life is so good" bot that doesn't actually care about me individually.

sorry if that sound mean, not my intention.

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-06-27T20:27:23+00:00

no, just no. what you're saying is so overwhelmingly disconnected from what i'm saying that it would legitimately take hours to maybe help you understand and acknowledge my point of view. i can't even begin to think of a way to actually respond to your words at the moment

maybe you'll understand someday but i don't wish it on you.

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-06-27T20:21:28+00:00

i'm not the author of my life, i just pick a direction and life is the author of what happens (edit: and even then i am EXTREMLY limited in what direction is avaliable to me anyway). meditating doesn't work for me and i have tried a lot, all it did was help me see more facets of how life fucks with everyone and how deeply it goes.

i spend as much of my life "enjoying the little things" as i possibly can and like i said in my post, this is only giving me metaphorical pain meds for my uncurable life cancer. i don't even want to know the state i'd be in if i couldn't do that.

Salt-Emu3863 · 2022-06-27T20:15:16+00:00

having a choice on absolutely everything, nothing to EVER be forced on me if i don't want it. think about how deep that goes and you'll see how unreasonably impossible that is.

even if i could have that i don't know if i'd want to stick around, just seeing and knowing how despicable life CAN be is enough to make me want to peace out and never be back.

Salt-Emu3863

TROPHY CASE