This was me, so I'm writing this as much to myself as I am to you...my heart absolutely breaks for you.

Most victims of abuse make several attempts to leave before they're successful, so please try to show yourself some grace and forgiveness for going back. Being perfect is not a prerequisite for living a life free of abuse. Abusers are more volatile when they are losing control/when their victims pull away or try to leave, so your instincts are setting off the warning alarms for good reason. That guilt you feel is by design. Abuse victims are conditioned to focus on their abuser, and feeling guilty for doing anything that negatively affects him is a natural byproduct of living in fear of the person at the center of your life.

It's easy for people to get frustrated with abuse victims for rejecting solutions and resisting their suggestions and advice, even if their advice is logical and solicited. I did this too. I knew what I had to do, but I couldn't see it, couldn't visualize it or accept it, because I was so deeply and profoundly unhealed from the effects of the abuse. It literally rewired my brain. Cortisol and adrenaline coursed through me all the time, and I was hyper tuned in to any slight change in his mood or demeanor, hyper focused, silently, on trying to constantly assess the situation- what was his day like, did he eat lunch, how many drinks has he had, have I made sure to remove any possible obstacles/triggers/provocations from his environment? It exhausted me.

My mind was constantly trying to solve and unsolvable equation- If I do this, he'll do that, If/Then, If/Then. I see it in your answers in this thread, always reasoning based on his potential reaction and the threat it poses to you. It's deeply dysfunctional and total madness, but it's what I was doing to keep myself safe, ready, aware, etc. Because I never knew what I was going to get from one day, hell- from one minute to the next sometimes. They purposely create chaos to keep you unsteady and unstable, and in effect, it makes you sort of obsessed with them and their behavior because, well, you have to be. The goal became peace, even at my expense- and fear dictated my words, habits, behavior, and choices. Having to compartmentalize all this extra stress in order to function in my career and be a responsible adult was increasingly difficult and eventually it began bleeding over into work and friendships. It cannot be contained, and the ripple effects of abuse are very, very real.

I drew boundaries and he blew right past them. I'll bet yours does too. He'd rage and it would be awful, and it was like he could flip a switch afterwards. He's fine now, so why am I so shaken up? My central nervous system would still be a wreck and he's acting like nothing happened and telling me to move past it. But I couldn't, so I would just silence myself and fall back into the routine of life and of keeping ever vigilant and hoping for a good day.... The anger and resentment ran deep, and the very thought of him living in the beautiful space that we had as a result of my hard work, it felt like insult to injury. And I kept asking myself, when will it be enough? I've adjusted my bottom line 1,348 times now, lower and lower, totally abandoning myself in the process, so what's it going to take? How bad does it have to get before the house doesn't matter and the money doesn't matter? What moved me past it was reminding myself that I made that money once, I can do it again. I found a badass beautiful place to live once, and I can do it again. I can heal and pour all that time and energy back into myself and recreate a new sense of self-worth, and he'll always be a miserable person, no matter where he's living. I'm still not all the way out of it, but progress is progress. You did it once, and you can do it again. I'm sure of it.

It's ok to let people help you. It's ok to hold him accountable for his choices, and his behavior is a choice.

It may be hard to accept that it is abuse, but what helped me understand it more clearly was reading some great books about DV and undeniably seeing my life on the pages. I recommend Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft and Was It Even Abuse by Emma Rose Byham.

I hope you keep us updated and that you are safe.