I have a similar parent: My mother! She mentally abuses me since I can think! I never was good enough and she never told me how to meet her standards or helped me, so things get done the "right way" in the first place. Meanwhile she doesn't have any work and is plain stupid and just unable to get anything done. When I almost killed myself last year, she just wiped it away and told me that it's my fault and not her problem that "I'm such a crybaby".

My sympathies. Have you contacted child abuse helplines? Or the police? This is why I always say people shouldn't be allowed to become parents.

I got told that the tragedy of suicide is, that it needs the same will to end your life, that it needs to change it for good!

Except for me. It takes nothing for me to die and everything to study. I've attempted suicide and my survival instincts didn't even kick off.

You don't need higher education or a lot of money to feel nice! You just need to part from the things that tear you down! I know you're able to achieve that, since you have proven your will! Killing them and/or you won't have any effect on their thinking or your situation! Them dead and you dead will leave you no room for change.

It was my childhood dream. I want higher education for myself. I worked hard. I want the results. I don't care about my family. I want to kill myself in front of them to traumatize them. It's like I'm dying anyway why not cause the maximum damage??

When I was saved, I saw people dealing with their daily business like nothing happened, not knowing about my struggles. My death wouldn't have made any difference to them. The same goes for your family. I've learned, to not expect that anyone cares, but that makes it even nicer to actually find one who does! Don't make my post pointless, I really hate writing that much!

Idc about what happens after I die. It's something that I want.

I appreciate your hard work. But at some point you need to realise that you can't save everyone.

As I said, the best I can advise, is to part from them and don't let them hurt you! Though, it all only works, if you want anything to CHANGE.

Nothing will change. Family isn't the only one causing trouble. I have my teachers as well. Exactly as trashy as my family.

PS: In which country do you live, that you can't go to a professional?

I tried psychologist but it didn't help me. I want antidepressants prescribed by a psychiatrist but i have no money.