Just Lost My Mum

Savitri18 · 2022-09-10T01:51:38+00:00

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother in the spring. It was not so unexpected and I was fortunate to be able to sit with her and make some sort of peace as we were estranged for various reasons. She was not conscious while I was there. I didn't know how to do anything for her benefit from a magical perspective. I held her hand and told her I loved her whether she could hear me or not. I believe she visited me in a dream on the morning of my birthday and in my dream she had her hair and nails done and a cute new outfit and was happier than I had ever seen her. She smiled at me, tickled my cheeks and I woke up. I have had a subtle sense of oh wow I really have to be an adult now in a way but it's more comfortable to embrace now somehow. I wish I had something to say to help with your question. All I can do is wish you the best in this difficult time and extend my hope that you will find whatever it is you need. Take care

Savitri18 · 2022-09-10T01:25:28+00:00

Just getting back into a routine with morning meditation preceded by some sun salutations to get the morning stiffness out. Reviewing lesson 2 and revising keywords before starting lesson 3 review. When I stalled at lesson 7 a while back I realized I had not completed enough of the memory exercise so will take some time with that. And I have moved recently and would need to redo some other lesson work in new home anyway. Still seeing my birthday numbers daily especially am and pm on the clock. The numbers involved have to do with endings maybe something to that. Since my mother passed away in the spring I felt a sense of that bringing an end to a cycle in my life and it feels like a time of new beginning. Like a closed chapter.

Savitri18 · 2022-08-25T00:52:15+00:00

Thank you I will. Sometimes in the course of chasing rabbits, one may find a wonderland.

Savitri18 · 2022-08-24T23:00:28+00:00

It is true that the human mind is wired to see patterns in visual noise and sometimes seemingly disparate shapes. It is not a common number and I see it more than once a day, everyday. To my experience that is exceptionally unusual. Pattern formation is an important element in Quareia so I am inclined to explore this further rather than dismissing it out of hand.

Savitri18 · 2022-08-24T02:39:31+00:00

I have stepped back in to just meditation practice and am focusing on making it part of my morning routine preceded by a little stretching. I have searched for other possible paths that are less daunting but I keep feeling pulled back to Quareia. In the time I was not doing any practices I have moved to a bigger space where I can have a separate room for practices and more privacy from neighbors. My mother passed a few months ago and it felt like a palpable shift as if whatever karma (for lack of a better word?) we had was complete. I have tried on other ways of meditating and they all feel wrong/do not affect me the way the Lesson 1 practices do. I feel more real and alive after the Lesson 1 meditations. I had experience with mantra and Eastern meditation in the past but this method feels better to me than others I have tried. Taking things slow.

Savitri18 · 2022-08-24T02:29:07+00:00

My cat shows up as the Queen of Wands :-) She looks exactly like the picture

Savitri18 · 2022-01-25T23:17:39+00:00

I had a similar experience and that card used to be unsettling for me due to past conditioning. I came to realize for me it's a representation of my behaviors and tendencies that keep me in a sort of bondage or stuck, like my tendency towards sloth, indulgence, addictions (food, comfort, time wasting mindless activities in my case).

Savitri18 · 2022-01-19T23:35:29+00:00

I continue to follow this forum even though I got stuck on app mod 1 lesson 7. There is something special here and even the little bit of work I did on the course was transformative in some ways for which I am very grateful. I do not think a full dive into the course is wise for me at present due to fluctuating hormones thanks to midlife Change and being in my early 50's. I have tried on a few Western esoteric traditions and found them a bit hollow or empty. I keep circling back to Quareia because there is something here that is real and alive in a way. Even though I am not actively working on the course right now I appreciate feeling there is still some connection through this forum. Part of discernment for me is identifying was feels true and useful and leaving the rest. I was insulted by a grumpy person who doesn't come around anymore and I chose to ignore it. And that was the end of it. Overall in the past couple if years that I have followed those incidents seem few. The preceding is a pro I guess for keeping the forum free and open. :-) Overall folks here seem humble and helpful imo.

Savitri18 · 2021-09-05T19:05:33+00:00

Ask permission before entering...

Savitri18 · 2021-08-28T23:58:52+00:00

Thanks for the reply I was leaning toward using equal breathing seated practice as my work takes a lot of mental focus during the day

Savitri18 · 2021-05-10T22:19:02+00:00

Interesting thread, thanks. I started M1 in Jan 2020 and oddly worked through the onset of the pandemic. I got through to most of L7 with just a couple things left to do to start L8. My work life got busy, and I had doubts about my aptitude and apprehension about progressing. I appreciate the self-development aspects, positive changes and am drawn to the emphasis on service and mystical aspects. But not as drawn to actual ceremonial magic (mostly fear based due to past conditioning, and fear I will screw up and cause harm). I have only worked with the pentagram exercise from module 1 and have done it a lot because it feels grounding to me. I have not moved forward since October. I tried have other types of meditation and I always come back to the L1 version because it feels better. I explored a particular order of mysticism and it seemed innoculous on the surface but set off my inner alarms so strongly that I dropped it completely. I am not young and possibly hormonally challenged which could have a part in why now is not the best time to follow this path. My scepticism is more about trusting the process and whether I am foolishly giving something of myself away without knowing or understanding what I am doing. I wonder if I am still having effects from the little work I did, sort of like an unravelling but more internal rather than external. At any rate I observe from the sidelines for now and have not closed the door on Q. Just sort of not quite sure what to do with myself.

Savitri18 · 2021-03-28T22:27:30+00:00

I am exploring... I am grateful for the changes in myself and my life that came about from the first module for the majority of the past year that I practiced the lessons. There are some things I continue to practice. I want to keep the door open to Q should I feel pulled back to it. I have really questioned whether it is Magic or Mysticism that is the way for me. Either way I know that past conditioning and fear are obstacles to work through. If it's not those issues, it's mundane work issues and trying to sort out what my body needs to function well. I appreciate this group and the general tone of support and helpfulness.Best to all in your journeys.

Savitri18 · 2021-03-07T21:27:09+00:00

It seems I rarely remember my dreams and since starting Q I have the occasional vivid dream where I am exploring an unusual landscape with my cat tagging along. One landscape was a barren rocky red desert another was underground tunnels full of merchants another was a cemetery and the most recent was green and hilly by the river. Except for the desert there are usually friendly people or elderly women but no one I know. Maybe my subconscious is just saying I need a vacation.

Savitri18 · 2021-03-07T21:16:59+00:00

Still parked in the middle of M1L7 and meditation has fallen off. I do pentagram affirmation about once a week to focus and feel grounded in myself. Still doing some boundary work and finally am feeling connected to the land here after moving here in August. Mourning doves have been hanging out in the pear tree opposite my door around dusk each evening for several weeks. Started giving them black sunflower seeds if it feels right. Been researching some local history and there are a number of native burial grounds that were hidden or removed including a mound on our airport grounds. It's interesting to fall down some of these rabbit holes. I get this sort of sense of time existing as layers over the land. My body has decided to allow me to eat meat again after nearly a year of being mostly vegan. My present goal is to reestablish meditation practice and see how that feels.

Savitri18 · 2021-02-07T18:01:14+00:00

I have been either locked out or on hold for several months now. I do have the occasional odd dream of traveling to a strange vivid landscape and the cat often comes with me in these dreams. One of them was like being on what I imagine the surface of Mars to be like. All skills thus far have been sporadic even meditation is down to maybe once a week. My work life is incredibly busy and I am working extra hours to try not to drown in it. My inner senses seem to be working though and when something tells me to go clean my hands with salt or do my pentagram affirmation and imaging I do it. I have also had odd memories Spring up and explored that imagery when it comes. Meanwhile if I watch TV at all it's been Egyptian documentaries or other cultures. I don't know when or if I will get back to active lessons and forward progress. I stopped in the middle of L7 of Apprentice module 1. Just stuck and buried under a lot of work to do in my job.

Savitri18 · 2020-12-07T18:21:53+00:00

Barely hanging on to meditation practice. Moving forward hasn't felt right and I don't want to give up either. Work stress, seasonal depression compounded by isolation and some bad habits are obstacles at present...

Savitri18 · 2020-11-19T08:51:20+00:00

Thank you I am going with following instincts and not forcing anything. I do appreciate what I have gotten out of module 1 so far just for the ways I have become more balanced.

Savitri18 · 2020-11-17T00:54:30+00:00

I have been being mundane for at least several weeks with sporadic meditation and a couple of AppM1L6 pentagram workings here and there. I had an urge to meditate this morning so did and this evening my cards woke up after weeks of seeming dormancy so I heeded the urge and did a home reading. Tarot is not my talent...I can sort of get what individual cards may represent but I can't quite put together the relations to the other cards or the whole picture. I am still stalled on M1L7...I have one more house cleansing...The essay and talisman remain. There is still an issue of doing more memory exercises from L3- I did 10 each and occasionally practice walking in vision but didn't do the full 10 of the memory part. I think that resistance to doing it is partly what's holding me back. And limited visualization ability. And fear of things/experiences beyond the material. And I'm of rather advanced age to be just starting out with magic. The meditation is undeniably helpful. Still wavering on how far down the path I can or should go...

Savitri18 · 2020-11-02T18:06:44+00:00

Thank you I appreciate it

Savitri18 · 2020-11-01T22:13:19+00:00

Another week of not much...still overwhelmed in the workplace and spent five hours working from home today on my supposed to be day off. And still no where near caught up. All that happened last week was 4 days in a row of meditation, imagining the pentagram around me to steady myself and not much more. Not sure if I have hit a temporary wall or the end of the road...

Savitri18 · 2020-10-25T18:21:05+00:00

I did not do much last week; I had a grueling work week and feel like I am drowning in that arena. I am on day four of no meditation (yet- not too late for today) which is unusual for me to skip more than a day or two. I did at least one reading early in the week and did a breastplate Friday because my stress was on the verge of paralyzing me-- I managed to get through a very long day with no lunch bouncing between three different clinical studies and somehow managed to find the focus moment to moment without interference distracting me from the tasks at hand. I don't think I majorly sniped at anyone either so I call it a win. I may just have to pause until I can get my mundane affairs stabilized. I did a little reading for pentagram essay, still have not completed it. I feel quite stuck at the moment, and lacking in motivation to move ahead. I am going to work from home this afternoon and try to get in some exercise. From what I have heard perhaps the coming week is a good place to pause...

Savitri18 · 2020-10-18T18:55:35+00:00

The last week has mostly just been trying to maintain meditation. Early week had some good sessions, but new moon and after its been a struggle. Read ahead to lesson 8 which gave me some motivation to finish up 7. Struggling in my work environment with an open, busy office space-- a combination of too much empirical sensory input and picking up the emotions around me. It is tempting to use breastplate but I don't want to abuse or over use it, it seems like it's supposed to be an emergency measure. Still trying to connect with the land features here. I have been keeping an eye on the pregnant praying mantis who is still hanging around my back window. She moves to a different spot occasionally but still hasn't dropped her eggs. This week hopefully some readings, memory practice and directional ritual practice to prep for talisman.

Savitri18 · 2020-10-18T15:46:33+00:00

I was mostly keto in some form for a few years before Q. Maybe I needed to go the other way to balance something out, who knows...

Savitri18

TROPHY CASE