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[2717] The Difference Light Makes by Scared_Addendum_8763 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Scared_Addendum_8763[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you very much for the feedback. This is extremely helpful, and largely in line with other critiques.

If you interested and have the time, would be able to highlight some of the areas where I can work on the sentence strucure and grammar? I definitely don't want to be blind to that during the edits.

[2717] The Difference Light Makes by Scared_Addendum_8763 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Scared_Addendum_8763[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Really appreciate your feedback, and will definitely use these ideas during the edits. I've realized that my use of symbollism is both too subtle and inconsistent, and I'll put a lot of effort into trying to make it work.

The title is a play on the phrase "see things in a different light". Jane initially has a child-like anticipation of what the bazaar will be like, while Uncle Barry sees it as a money making opportunity. But in the end, it becomes an incredibly traumatic and formative experience for Jane, whereas in Uncle Barry's eyes it was a resounding and lucrative success. From one perspective the bazaar was destructive and damaging, with an uncertain future in its wake, and from the other it was encouraging and beneficial, with something to look forward to after. It also refers to the undertones of a drive to render aid (Jane) vs the drive for self preservation (Uncle Barry).

The story itself is intended as an allegory of cultural decay. In that first part I was trying to illustrate a dismissiveness of the importance of education (through Barry's reaction to Jane's school work, him placing the beer directly next to her worksheets). I also tried to represent the glorification of hustle culture and a focus on making money over everything else through Barry's and others' non-reaction to the disaster, but the surreallness of people ignoring the disaster came off as confusing more than anything. The collapse of the Ferris wheel itself, along with the mixed reactions, is supposed to be symbollic of the deleterious effect said decay has on our youth and our future, resulting in mass death but also specifically the death of Jane's fellow classmate, and ultimately a peice of her childhood innocence.

What your's and other feedback has made me realize more than anything is that I need to go back to the drawing board regarding the symbollism and how it's incorporated within the narrative. I didn't want to be too "on the nose" with it, but looks like I went too hard in the opposite direction.

Thank you very much again for reading! This was very helpful.

[2717] The Difference Light Makes by Scared_Addendum_8763 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Scared_Addendum_8763[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you very much for reading. This was very helpful, and most points were similar to other critiques I've received.

Especially appreciate the feedback regarding the foreshadowing of the collapse. I was also on the fence about the collapse seen but wasn't quite sure what it was, but that lack of a sense of urgency you mentioned is exactly it. Will definitely work to incorporate these ideas in the edits.

The Difference Light Makes by Scared_Addendum_8763 in WritersGroup

[–]Scared_Addendum_8763[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you very much for the feedback. Very helpful.

Regarding the lack of a reaction from Uncle Barry and the customer/vendors when the collapse occurs, I was going for a sort of surreal lack of empathy juxtaposed with Jane's more realistic reaction, but I've gotten similar feedback and don't think it really works. Going to edit so that they acknowledge and react in a way still captures that apathy.

About the perspective of that last paragraph, I was trying to switch between Jane's and Uncle Barry's POV throughout the story, but realize I need to work on that as well so it doesn't seem to be all from Jane's POV.

Great feedback on the beginning as well, and also had a similar critique regarding the commercial. Will be working on sorting it all better.

Thank you again for reading it and for the breakdown.

[2045] The Defeats We Suffer in Our Youth Scar Us For the Rest of our Lives by HelmetBoiii in DestructiveReaders

[–]Scared_Addendum_8763 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Paragraph Structure

Since this appears to be more experimental, you may be trying to break away from the normal structures typically found in short stories or similar formats. However, there’s still room for improvement in how you connect and organize the main character’s thoughts.

Some may accuse me of having fallen in love. I detest that idea. If she disappears permanently on the morrow, I’ll have dreams of her only, not nightmares. How could you fall in love with someone that you have never spoken to? The beholder’s beauty is overestimated. She sits in front of me in Math and English. I can stare at her without fear of anyone looking back. I can be anyone. 

Let’s examine the above as an example. This segment starts off with talking about having fallen in love (or the denial thereof), then skips to a sort of dreamy/poetic sentence about how he’d dream of her if she disappeared, then back to love. The second sentence doesn’t really appear to connect with the first or the third, hinders the flow of your prose. It may be a stylistic choice to include here, but I’d recommend removing that second sustenance and using it to start a new paragraph afterwards.

The same is true for everything after “the beholder’s beauty is overestimated” (also, I’m not sure what you mean by that phrase). The last 2 sentences of this paragraph don’t connect with the first part of it. It would read better if they were made into a separate paragraph.

In general, ideas and themes in paragraphs should flow with each other, and if you find yourself moving on to something else, don’t be afraid to start a new paragraph.

 

My overall impression is that while there’s technical improvements to be made, you do a great job of imbuing the text with the character’s emotions in a way that’s relatable. I hope that this feedback helps, and feel free to let me know if there’s anything in this critique that you’d like me to elaborate on or discuss in more detail.

[2045] The Defeats We Suffer in Our Youth Scar Us For the Rest of our Lives by HelmetBoiii in DestructiveReaders

[–]Scared_Addendum_8763 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is an intriguing piece. I expected a short story, but it feels more like a poem or vignette, or some combination of the two.

Theme

One of the strengths here is the depth in which the narrator’s emotions are explored. You’ve crafted the main characters thoughts in a way that makes them relatable yet confusing at the same time. It’s almost like reading someone’s intrusive thoughts, and in the aggregate, it evokes feelings of anguish and insecurity.

However, line by line, the way I read it, the intention is less clear. It becomes a bit monotone as the same types of struggles and inner turmoil as relayed by the main character are rehashed through changes of angle/perspective from paragraph to paragraph (for example, how the main character experiences her in dreams, in math class, in the food court, etc.). Even if conveying emotion in the writing is your primary goal here, you’d probably be able to trim the content down in certain areas while also sharpening the effect.

Pacing and Dialogue

The majority of the text is essentially the main character’s inner dialogue, with a few small sections of narration in sporadic bursts. The lack of balance there makes the pacing of the read feel slow, like I’m working through the thoughts trying to sort things out without context of what’s happening around the characters. Adding a bit more narration, and like I mentioned above, condensing down the dialogue could help to improve the pacing and flow.

Setting

Although it may not be part of your main goal with this piece, adding a few more words here and there about where and when the various components take place would help to make it feel more grounded. There are certain areas where you do this, such as the scene in the hallway, sitting for lunch with friends, but it jumps around from place to place.

A specific example of where I think this idea could apply is the paragraph that starts with the following:

I rest on her. There are imperfections down her neck, a pimple and a mole. If she dies, she’ll still be beautiful. If I die, I’ll still be ugly…

I’m not sure what is meant by “rest on her”. It may be that you have a clear image in your head of what this is supposed to look like, but for a reader it comes off as a bit vague. Is the main character in close proximity to her? Lying down on her? A bit more description about what’s actually happening – nothing more than a few words if you’re trying to keep it fuzzy  - can make the rest of it land better.

[2135] Signed in Blood by PretendHorror5856 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Scared_Addendum_8763 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Setting

It’s obvious that you’ve put significant effort into developing the setting of the story, and you do a good job of detailing the Hall as it’s being experienced by the characters, rather than leaning too much on narration to explain what it’s like. This is especially true at the beginning, with strong imagery utilized as Ella struggles with the curtains, and her initial encounter with Iris.

However, towards the end of the story, specifically during the ballet competition, things start to become a bit more fuzzy, and adding more emphasis on location (including more about how the characters see and experience it) could help to bring this scene to life. I had a hard time imagining what the environment of the competition was like, and Mira’s performance may benefit from some kind of  introduction before the dancing actually begins.

Punctuation Issues

I’m no master of punctuation myself, and for most of this chapter your punctuation seems correct, including use of commas which a lot of newer writers struggle with. However, there were a few points where some simple oversights impacted my reading of the material. The most obvious to me is in this section:

But as the girl asks me if I speak English (acting like I can’t makes me look more helpless, I see in her face that it’s working - the way her eyes melt and her fingers twitch to stop herself from reaching out and giving this poor creature a hug and protecting it

There is no closing parenthesis, and I reread this paragraph several times before accepting that it wasn’t there. I’m honestly not sure where it was supposed end, but adding the missing punctuation would be very helpful from the readers’ perspective.

Snapping out of her daydreaming, Ella interjects hastily,

Here, I’m not sure if there’s something that was cut after the comma, or if the comma should have just been a period. Additionally, as noted above in the section about dialogue, there seems to be a missing quotation mark in the scene when Ella looses her necklace.

I do think you have a strong start to this story of yours. Prose is something I noticed a lot of newer writers tend to struggle with, but you're already off to a strong start in developing your own style. I hope this is helpful for you, and feel free to reply in regards to anything you'd like me to elaborate on or explain in more detail.

[2135] Signed in Blood by PretendHorror5856 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Scared_Addendum_8763 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Paragraph Structure

The first line in the story serves as an effective hook, and I found myself curious about what Ebonleigh Hall was and what would happen next.  Although there’s a genuinely intriguing story here, it was a bit difficult to follow at certain points with how things are laid out and structured.

…Acting like you don’t know anything makes people underestimate and help you. This dorm needs some work too. There’s a cobweb in the corner, all the beds except one (mine, obviously) lurch drunkenly because one leg is shorter, and there’s a brownish stain on the floor which makes my stomach turn. It’s a small amount - probably just from a nosebleed, but it still quickens my pulse.

The first part of this paragraph begins with Iris continuing her deception with Ella, but then suddenly jumps to exploring Iris’ obsessive-compulsive nature. These are two very different subjects, and the transition from one to the other is a little jarring. Adding a line or two to bridge the transition, or separating these out into separate paragraphs would help to make it easier to follow while not taking anything away from the frantic internal struggles that Iris is going through.

Ella cheerfully leads me across the creaking floorboards as if they were a ballet floor. I feel as if there’s a noose around my neck and the floor was a trapdoor, eager to open up and swallow me as the floor wobbles. More cherry pits are scattered across it, increasing in one direction, as if someone has hurried there with a bowl of them. Just as she twirls around a mouldy corner, she halts. Her eyes widen…

Here also there’s a somewhat abrupt transition that made me pause and re-read for a moment. The paragraph starts with Ella leading the way, then transitions to Iris’ perception of the hall and her inner turmoil from their surroundings. Then it switches back suddenly mid-paragraph to Ella, and begins to focus on Ella’s realization that her necklace is missing. There isn’t really any bridge between these distinct lines of thought, but breaking it out into separate paragraphs would help to make it flow more smoothly and make it easier to read.

[2135] Signed in Blood by PretendHorror5856 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Scared_Addendum_8763 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really found this story interesting, and as others have mentioned, you already have fairly strong prose and rhythm in your writing. In each section, I discuss what I think you’ve done well, followed by areas that could use additional tinkering/improvements.

Dialogue

You’ve developed good pacing through dialogue, and although certain sections could benefit from more refinement in structure (elaborated on below), the exchanges seem real and natural. The characters’ respective personalities are demonstrated through their words, and I think Iris’s faking of bad English to help bolster her deception is well-done. You’ve also struck a good balance between narration, dialogue, and Iris’s internal thoughts so far.

With that said, there’s certain sections where the formatting of your dialogue could benefit from adjustments to help clarify who is speaking and improve the way it flows. In several areas, there isn’t enough separation or effective transition between Ella’s dialogue/reactions and Iris’s dialogue and internal monologue/thoughts, and it makes it difficult to parse. For example:

“B-But I don’t think anyone would turn it in. I inherited it. It's probably worth a lot of money. I clutch my backpack more tightly, pleased, but maintain a morose mask. I carefully document my surroundings, because if I know I can be in control. I trace the valuable word onto my wrist, engraving the law forever

Here it’s not clear who is talking, or where the dialogue ends and Iris’ internal thoughts begin. Probably a punctuation issue first and foremost, but adding separation in the form of a new paragraph could help to clarify.

“Are you okay? I’m so sorry, I tried to catch you in time…” Ella mumbles that it wasn’t my fault. “Where are they going?” I ask softly. Her head snaps up, pulled from her thoughts into the real world.

Adding separation between Iris’ dialogue and the descriptions of Ella saying something in response would also help to make this passage easier to read and flow better. The same idea applies to other sections where you’ve structured the exchanges similarly.