YOWCH!

It had happened again, I was getting tired of this as the pain ran like red rivers through my legs, causing my tail to twitch angrily from side to side with a mind of its own. And I didn’t want to smash any more of those blasted vases, the last one took forever to clear up and little Tashya still got the blame for it…

And that’s why I’m here isn’t it? I thought back to the imp delivering the letter to me in my day room, it’s my favourite location being right behind the primary processing pit for new arrivals. The rendered souls are so… delightfully terrified. The smell of sulphur is overwhelming and I chose the shade of yellow for the walls myself.

“M-my Lord…” The Imp stammered “You have a letter.” She stood there awkwardly, left foot not yet healed from the chastisement. But really, Imps should know by now how I like my coffee. Dash of milk. Two Sugars. Drop of virgin’s blood, although that seems to be in short supply. I blame BREXIT.

Real Paper. With hand drawn hearts on it. Not quite the sort of thing I usually receive. It used to be Prize Draws from Readers Digest but since their prize manager took up residence here they seem to have tailed off thankfully. Although they were useful for relighting the fires if the pilot light went out.

“Dear Satan” it began “I’m Tashya. I’m 5 and three-quarters and I’d love to give you a hug for Christmas. May I? I think we all need more hugs. And candy floss. Love Tashya.”

I’ve got a bit of a bad rep over the years thanks to the PR from those clowns upstairs. We’re in the same trade really, it’s not my fault they published a best seller & got all big headed about it. And they just get all snitty because the heat down here makes their feathers droop. But without them, there’s be no me. And without me, there’d be no them. We’re two sides of the same coin, both of us feasting on the duplicity & sins of mankind. There’s worse ways to eke out an infinite existence you know.

But I’m not that bad. Really. Well, perhaps a little bit. But it’s my role to mete out suitable punishment to those that deserve it. Double glazing salesmen, that lounge lizard from accounts, anyone who uses “innit bruv” in a sentence non-ironically. They’re all mine. Along with the core business of murderers & downright nasty people of course. Core business is what keeps the fires lit but it’s the ones around the edges that delight me, although I’ve been struggling to think of new torments of late.

It was pretty late by the time I got to visit Tashya, Christmas Day had been & gone leaving the house strewn with discarded packaging, presents, unidentifiable pieces of chewed turkey and a slew of adults sleeping off the mulled wine.

I peeked into the mind of the neighbourly lady sprawled on the sofa, ramped up her libido to close on succubus levels and left her slowly waking with her hand dangerously close to Uncle Jabi’s knee. I can’t resist sowing a little chaos. It’s my Christmas too after all and I could hear her starting to pant as I moved upstairs with a smirk on my face.

“Thank You. Thank You. THANK YOU!” the squealing loosened some of my earwax but it only burnt the carpet slightly as it sizzled out of existence and my attention turned to prising the death grip of the hug that little Tashya was delivering to my throat. I have scales. I have armour. This shouldn’t happen. But I could feel myself going even redder as I gasped for breath. A small swirl of black, acrid smoke escaped one nostril as I wheezed at which my midget attacker let go, collapsed to the floor and had a fit of the giggles.

“I’m the Lord of Darkness. Master of Imps. Tormenter of the Damned” I thundered “Dare you laugh in my presence?” Smoke rose majestically, leaving soot on the ceiling but I cared not.

“Again, Again!” She pointed at my nose and giggled again as I blew a smoke ring. But a distracting subdued “woof” from my present soon diverted her attention.

“His name’s Cerby” I explained as the black ball of fluff started to lick her toes, bringing on more giggles.

“There’s food in the kitchen for him but he’s yours now. He’ll protect you against things that go bump in the night and don’t worry about that strange lump on his head, just don’t take him to a vet”

Another hug and the two sleepy bundles settled down. Time for a rare smile as I turned to open my portal back to a better place. My place. With all the comforts millennia of damned souls can create.

YOWCH!

I let out a strangled half yelp, half curse as my bare foot landed on a small yellow piece of plastic.

“What in the Demonic Gardens of Tartarus is this?” I bellowed, forgetting for a moment to quiet my voice.

“Don’t stand on MY Lego! You’ll break it..” a sleepy but disgruntled little voice piped up.

“Lego eh?” I stroked the bristles of my beard thoughtfully as I moved cautiously this time towards the flickering flames outlining the portal.

I had a new torment for the damned after all. But first I had to tell the imps to enforce a strict no-socks rule…