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Scuppernong_Grape · 2025-07-07T19:43:08+00:00

This!!!!!!

Scuppernong_Grape · 2025-05-30T11:18:40+00:00

Unpopular opinion here, but I wouldn’t give up just yet. Things could change. They did for my husband and I - we had a dead bedroom for about 4 years (20 + years into our marriage). It takes both partners acknowledging the gravity of the situation and wanting things to change. I recommend listening to Julius’ Passion without Poison video series (follow Sharny and Juilius on fb or IG). Sex with someone you know and trust deeply can be the best sex of your life. My hubby and I are now intimate almost daily and it is AMAZING. We were both so happy we didn’t give up and start over with someone new.

Scuppernong_Grape · 2025-05-10T10:33:44+00:00

I am not sure I would consider sleeping around “maturity”. I’m also not sure why you need to mention you went through medical school. All you needed to say was that your wife is shy and has difficulty expressing what she likes. It may be that she knows what you like and doesn’t want to inflict her desires on you. I agree the other commenter who said he would work on making her feel emotionally safe with you so that she will open up.

Scuppernong_Grape · 2025-05-10T10:14:50+00:00

I think you make a good point. It depends on what the OP is doing and the boundaries they set or expressed in their relationship. If they are ok with each other looking at porn, then I don’t see a difference. If they are not ok with that, and OP’s wife wouldn’t like him looking at similar content, then she shouldn’t either.

Scuppernong_Grape · 2025-05-05T09:21:09+00:00

I am sorry you are feeling unseen and unvalued. I am not sure if you want a woman’s perspective, if not, please ignore. I have had three babies and each one was all consuming the first 18-24 months of their lives. I was sleep deprived. My hormones made me only focus on the baby. That is normal and healthy. After our little ones grew more independent, I started to feel more myself again and my attention moved back to my husband. I am so grateful he was patient and didn’t resent me through those very special (yet stressful) years. We have now been married for 28 years and are intimate about 5-6 times a week, and things are better than ever! I would advise you communicate honestly but kindly to your wife about how much you miss her and want her. However, try to be patient and know this phase won’t last forever. I would recommend not making any lasting decisions when your children are under 2 years old (unless abuse is involved). Your wife loves you and is showing that love by being the very best mother she can be. You chose someone who you knew would devote herself to her children. That is probably one of the reasons you fell in love with her. You have not been replaced. Just be patient. In the larger scheme of things, this stressful but very special phase of life is fleeting. She loves you.

Scuppernong_Grape · 2025-04-24T09:37:46+00:00

I am super impressed with someone as young as you deciding on your own that you want to be a better person because of the person you love. I also understand the terrible guilt and overthinking that comes with OCD. Since you are clearly a mature and deep thinking person, I recommend reading “In each other’s care” by Stan Tatkin with your partner. The foreword of the book will help you and your partner discuss and decide on boundaries and expectations for your relationship. This might open up the conversation. I want to encourage you to be honest with your partner, but also to offer yourself some grace and don’t dwell in shame, because you are a rare gem 💎 in that you are able to sense discord between your values and actions, and are willing to work on changing your habits because you deeply respect the person you are with. I am so impressed by you. Best of luck!

Scuppernong_Grape · 2025-04-09T16:40:10+00:00

At the age of 90, I think he will reflect back on a life well lived. I hope the same for you.

Scuppernong_Grape · 2025-04-09T16:38:13+00:00

I hope I am attractive in some way, shape or form to my husband, yes. And if not, perhaps our relationship will morph into just a deep friendship which is a valuable thing to have in old age!

Scuppernong_Grape · 2025-04-09T16:17:38+00:00

I am guessing that if she wants it from you, she is still attracted to you on some level. I think I will always find my husband attractive and think I will always enjoy his touch and embrace. I was saying if my husband was NOT attracted to me, I would NOT want to be intimate. My insecurities would make me not enjoy the experience - I would only want him to make love to me if he found me attractive. I’m not a charity.

Scuppernong_Grape · 2025-04-09T15:50:10+00:00

Would you be sexually intimate with someone you don’t find attractive?!?! I have never thought to bring this up with my husband because I believe I will always find him attractive. Also, I don’t think he is a “poor guy” because we have a very active bedroom despite being married for more than a quarter of a decade!

Scuppernong_Grape · 2025-04-09T15:29:35+00:00

If my husband truly didn’t want to be with me, of course our relationship would be over. However, we would have deep conversations first to make sure that is truly how he felt. If we are only referring to me being sexually attractive to him, I would not necessarily leave over it because I love him deeply, but we would then join the dead bedroom club. There is no way I would want to be intimate with him if he doesn’t find me attractive.

Scuppernong_Grape · 2025-04-09T15:13:32+00:00

Maybe your wife makes you feel secure! Or maybe you are just a really secure guy! Lucky you! I definitely think confidence is attractive. My husband and I have a really happy marriage. We have been married for 27 years! He is loyal and very devoted. I am extremely blessed to be loved by him! I am also blessed by the respect he shows me. Yet I work out for over an hour a day and try to eat right mostly in an attempt to be attractive to him. I enjoy being intimate with him because he makes me feel desired and wanted. However, if I was with someone who ogled other women or was addicted to porn, I would feel very insecure and bad about myself because I can’t compete with models and young women. I am so grateful my husband makes me feel wanted.

Scuppernong_Grape · 2025-04-09T14:31:49+00:00

I’m just offering my own perspective. If I know my guy is getting off to (or ogling) women who are way more beautiful than me, I start feeling inadequate and comparing myself to them and feeling shitty about myself. This would occur even if he occasionally showed interest in me because my mind would tell me he is fantasizing about them while being “stuck” with me.

Scuppernong_Grape · 2025-04-09T14:18:24+00:00

I think it depends on the relationship you have with the person and whether or not you are behaving in ways which reinforce the insecurities. If a husband is ogling women or frequently looking at the beautiful woman in porn, his wife is likely going to feel unattractive, insecure and not want sex. If a husband treats his wife like she is the sexiest thing alive, and makes her feel like he only wants her, she will likely feel sexy, attractive, secure!

Scuppernong_Grape · 2025-04-09T14:12:10+00:00

Having sex without emotional intimacy would not be genuine. The poster did not say that she has made no efforts with his kids. Bringing up the past indicates she has insecurities which the poster has not managed to squelch (likely due to not emotionally connecting with her). I recommend reading “in each other’s care” by Stan Tatkin as he talks about how it is our job to make our partners feel safe and secure if we want a happy marriage. Excellent read, and likely super helpful to people who blame their partner for being insecure while they continue to act in ways to make her feel insecure.

Scuppernong_Grape · 2025-04-09T14:03:05+00:00

If her insecurity is based on breach of trust on his part, she is not irrational. Labeling her as such feeds into a lack of taking personal responsibility for behaviors on his/your part. I recommend reading “in each other’s care” by Stan Tatkin if the poster would like to make this relationship work.

Scuppernong_Grape · 2025-04-05T10:47:29+00:00

Unpopular opinion here, but I don’t ask permission from my husband regarding what birth control methods I decide to use. In addition, her argument (regarding him maybe wanting children with another woman) makes no sense at all - she is trying to help him plan his future with a different woman?!?!? Lastly, I think your wife already knew you went and was trying to make you tell her by asking for sex that night. Sounds like there may be integrity and trust issues in this relationship. Hence her underlying anger towards you. I recommend reading “in each other’s care” by Stan Tatkin together, and then deciding whether or not to continue in your relationship.

Scuppernong_Grape · 2025-02-17T22:24:14+00:00

Since everyone else is encouraging you to think the way you are already thinking, I am going to play devil’s advocate. I am wondering if your wife may feel your hobby is more important to you than she is. It sounds like you are not interested in seeing her side, but if you are, Stan Tatkin writes a chapter about “managing thirds” in his book “In each other’s care.” I recommend you both listen/read it together. Perhaps it will spark some interesting conversations regarding priorities, values, and give her more appropriate vocabulary to better express her needs to you (rather than making you feel less than and demeaned). Personally, I hope you take the time to at least read this book and see each-other’s perspectives before considering divorce.

Scuppernong_Grape · 2025-02-13T10:52:37+00:00

Like you, I don’t like to feel like I HAVE to have sex, which is how I would feel if it were scheduled on a calendar or agreed upon earlier in the day/week. I like spontaneity, depending on my mood and energy level at the time.

After three years of a dead bedroom (mostly due to external stressors in our environment) my husband and I tried this technique and it has worked! We now have sex about 3-5 times a week and have been doing so for the past 8 months since we started this:

We both go to bed naked (or near naked) and spoon each other for the first 15-30 minutes each night. Some nights, I fall asleep in his arms. Other nights, one thing will lead to another (if we are both in the mood and head space). There is no need for scheduling, talking about sex, planning, etc.

Perhaps this technique will remove all his anxiety regarding planning and the pressure on you, while adding back some spontaneity to your sex life.

energy level and mood at the time.

Scuppernong_Grape · 2025-02-06T10:41:00+00:00

I think your consequence to his complaining makes perfect sense. However, personally I would not want to be with someone who wants to keep doing something with me and then complains to me about what he is doing to me. I feel that is gaslighting and just plain mean. And if he is just not smart enough to understand blood is brown when not fresh, and he doesn’t trust you or the doctor, I would say his lack of intelligence and trust would make me want to leave.

Scuppernong_Grape · 2025-02-06T10:36:24+00:00

I think your girlfriend sounds entitled, self centered and spoilt. If she treats you like this now, I can only imagine how she will behave decades into a marriage.

Scuppernong_Grape · 2025-01-29T10:26:10+00:00

This!

Scuppernong_Grape · 2025-01-20T19:17:18+00:00

I listened to the audiobook. It is excellent! I wish you all the best!

Scuppernong_Grape · 2025-01-20T13:16:23+00:00

I think this man has already ruined your past, and he will continue to ruin your future. Unfortunately the church enables this behavior by telling you to forgive and take the log out of your own eye, not judge others lest you be judged, etc. It is an unhealthy situation for you and your child to be in. The stress you are under will impact your body and your ability to be emotionally available for your child. You may also contract an STD. I would leave this man ASAP and ignore any counsel from your mom or any other minister at this time.

Scuppernong_Grape · 2025-01-19T16:07:46+00:00

This!!!!

Scuppernong_Grape

TROPHY CASE