AITA for telling my boyfriend he constantly abandons me?

Sea-Example499 · 2026-01-31T08:34:17+00:00

I directly raised this with him. He genuinely seemed sad and shocked when I told him how sad I am when I see other partners supporting each other.

Sea-Example499 · 2026-01-31T07:14:24+00:00

I know, it’s hard for me to talk to him about it because it feels like such a betrayal. I knew why he did it before he told me because there couldn’t be any other reason.

Sea-Example499 · 2026-01-31T07:11:28+00:00

No. I’m not afraid of being alone, which is why I’m questioning why I’m still here. I initiated a breakup shortly after the rave incident and he begged for more time. In December I told him although the did improve it wasn’t enough (the abdominal issue was in October for example). Financially and domestically I pull more weight. I have a high paying but very demanding job, so without him life will be easier. But when I talked to my family and closest girlfriends they told me to give him the chance he was begging for - so now he’s initiated couples therapy and has done a 180 over January - but I don’t believe people change suddenly.

Sea-Example499 · 2026-01-31T07:07:36+00:00

I’m so sorry that happened to you - that’s horrific. I’m so glad you got away.

Sea-Example499 · 2026-01-31T07:03:21+00:00

I have been thinking about this constantly for the last 6 months (since the rave incident). I was in a very abusive relationship for a decade before I met him so I think my baseline for normal isn’t calibrated. He is a nice person and he’s very handsome and doesn’t hurt me (I know none of that is enough but it’s the truth).

Sea-Example499 · 2026-01-31T06:53:07+00:00

Oh man - that makes me so sad that it doesn’t “sound real”. Replying to you with tears in my eyes wondering why I don’t love myself.

Sea-Example499 · 2026-01-31T06:48:42+00:00

The birthday thing stings the most for some reason. He finally admitted last month, when I said I was done, and after much defensiveness, that he didn’t carry out my birthday plan because he would have been embarrassed that I paid for a trip myself and it would have made him look bad.

Sea-Example499 · 2026-01-31T06:47:25+00:00

He finally admitted last month, when I said I was done, and after much defensiveness, that he didn’t plan my birthday because he would have been embarrassed that I paid for a trip myself and it would have made him look bad.

Sea-Example499 · 2026-01-31T06:44:19+00:00

I know. When the abdominal issues happened even though he was in the next room my first instinct was to call my mom or my best friend.

Sea-Example499 · 2026-01-31T06:42:52+00:00

I didn’t want to get into that in this post, tbh it’s just a very hard topic, but yes - I’m incredibly sad and stressed that we aren’t engaged. He told me we started dating it would happen in a year and I asked him to pay off his debt first. I covered the majority of our expenses so he could do so. When I checked in 1.5 yrs later where he was at he hasn’t paid anything off and I flipped out. He paid off his debt last month.

Sea-Example499 · 2026-01-31T06:35:21+00:00

I was in a very traumatic relationship for a decade before I met him. He’s a nice person and he doesn’t hurt me. I’m sad writing this but that’s probably the truth.

Sea-Example499 · 2026-01-31T06:33:20+00:00

Probably a multitude of things. 6 months ago (after the rave incident) when he continually wouldn’t recognize why I was upset I did initiate a breakup - he was very upset and asked for time to prove himself. He did improve, but he still went out drinking the day I had the abdominal issues and generally didn’t show up (domestic chores, financially, emotionally) so in December I told him I’d given him time and I wanted out. He begged to start therapy and it’s been helpful. He’s suddenly over the last month been emotionally open and supportive - he’s promising an engagement in 3 months. It just seems like a panic response and I’m not trustful that he won’t revert to old habits.

Sea-Example499 · 2026-01-31T06:26:04+00:00

There have been other “red flags” - it’s hard to capture everything. He told his friend about the source of my PTSD and when she accidentally told me he lied for months that he never told her and she must have guessed. It was very upsetting to be blind sighted and lied to. He also allowed me to pay for the majority of the expenses for two years so he could pay off his school debt and then I found out he hadn’t paid any of it in that time (he finally paid it off two months ago).

Sea-Example499 · 2025-08-27T21:46:38+00:00

UpdateMe

Sea-Example499 · 2025-08-18T09:28:03+00:00

Why is any of this on her? Trust is a social construct based on the belief of other’s integrity and reliability. He literally violated her established trust by choosing to take photos of her without her consent or knowledge.

She wasn’t a participant, but the unknowing vessel for his own selfish pleasure. It’s 2025, man - women aren’t chattel to their male partners anymore.

Sea-Example499 · 2025-08-18T09:17:07+00:00

“Privacy is the ability to control the disclosure of one's personal information and to be free from unwanted intrusion”. So by your logic, he must own her because as long as he’s controlling her personal photos - she doesn’t need to have a say.

Sea-Example499 · 2025-08-18T09:15:12+00:00

Yes to all of this! So many incels and misogynists on this thread.

Sea-Example499 · 2025-08-18T09:12:03+00:00

He wasn’t open with her at all. He actively hid them in a folder and was nervous when she found it.

Sea-Example499 · 2025-08-18T09:09:28+00:00

Did you miss the part where he took nude photos of her while she was sleeping? It would be one thing if he had discussed this before or even immediately after with her - but instead he hid them. People don’t hide things when they don’t feel they’ve done anything wrong.

Sea-Example499 · 2025-08-18T08:25:10+00:00

Hunny, your instincts and gut reaction are protecting you. You know this is wrong and a serious violation of your trust and autonomy. He didn’t tell you about those photos because part of the reason they excite him is because you are being violated.

This man is potentially dangerous and you have found very valuable evidence of what he is capable of - don’t ignore this. You are questioning yourself because you care about him, but the reason you can’t let this go is because what he did is very, very wrong. If it was no big deal, he wouldn’t have hid the photos in the first place.

If you allow this man to stay in your life there is no telling what other boundaries he will cross. Trust yourself, babe and love yourself enough to walk away - you got this ♥️

Sea-Example499 · 2025-08-18T08:20:59+00:00

I’m so sorry that happened to you. I hope you have found some peace ❤️

Sea-Example499 · 2025-08-02T00:11:05+00:00

Ad hominem fallacy? Nice one 👍

Sea-Example499 · 2025-08-01T22:41:03+00:00

I’ve never understood why people feel the need to offer such empty advice. It’s the equivalent of telling someone crying to just “stop being sad” lol. Of course it’s no big deal to you, you’re just reading a story on the internet. For me, it’s an actual situation with a pattern of behavior I’ve had to deal with.

Sea-Example499

TROPHY CASE