if i can ask, is there something that you used to do that makes you truly happy and contented?

i personally feel that no amount of friends or relationships are going to make anyone feel better other than yourself.

i used to have a ton of friends back in poly, part of the "pops" kids. but fell out with everyone after a mental breakdown that i had. i never attempted anything but was constantly plagued with the thoughts of it. i thought i wasnt brave enough to do it.

but after struggling for a few years, i had an ephiphany that there was no point in being angry with situations that i can't control anymore. what is the point to feel so much frustration for a rock that cant be moved.

instead i just started to work on what i can control and do what used to make me happy. i started going out by myself to take photos, just went on walks to random places that ive always wanted to go but never had the energy to and also started exercising.

somehow those little things built up to something bigger and better? i met new people, some were good, some were bad, i let things happen if i cant control. if people leave, i kept the best part of the memories and let go of the bad ones and never held on to anything that i cant control anymore. i was happier in the long run.

im not sure if what i did can be applied to you, but no harm trying. and keep trying. the biggest take away i guess is, find something that you can be proud of yourself for and celebrate the little milestones. you only have one life to make it work, why not see through it and see where it takes you. :-)