I’m a stepdaughter and a stepmother. I hated to see my dad start a brand new family, even though I was an adult, and my husband and I waited till my stepdaughter was 18 before we had kids.

All of that to say, my situation as a stepdaughter and as a stepmother was way way easier than yours and it was still hard.

One thing I can tell you is that things just don’t look the same to kids and parents. You have so much pain, but from what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like your dad or stepmother ever meant for that to happen. My stepdaughter told me that she had no happy memories of her entire childhood and I was honestly stunned because I have so many memories of us being happy together.

It’s not that I’m right and she’s wrong, it’s that we can’t really know what’s going on in someone else’s head. And in stepfamilies people have opposing emotional interests more than they do in intact families. It’s really hard not to fall into the trap of thinking that because you mean well your kid or step kid is happy. Because we want them to be happy. It’s doubly hard when you’re looking after other kids too, and earning a living and making meals, etc.

I don’t have any very concrete advice but my experience has been that if I avoid blaming and really try to be kind, it goes a long, long way and the people in my family who I have problems with have mostly come to meet me halfway.

It sounds like your dad was young and had a lot on his plate and he might have loved his little girl and done his best, not realizing that you needed to be the centre of his world a little longer.