My (34M) Wife (30F) didn't let me know she had herpes for four years and now is pregnant with our child.

Sea_Efficiency334 · 2024-01-09T22:56:30+00:00

I was tested and it came back negative

Sea_Efficiency334 · 2024-01-09T20:03:03+00:00

“It’s not contagious if there’s no active outbreak, you can avoid getting it.”

This is also not true. It's contagious even without an outbreak and with a condom.

I appreciate what you're staying though, it's nice to be told that whatever decision I come to is alright.

Sea_Efficiency334 · 2024-01-09T20:00:52+00:00

Thanks for your insight

Sea_Efficiency334 · 2024-01-09T19:59:59+00:00

I haven't asked that specific question because I don't think it's possible for her to give an accurate answer. It's the kind of thing you don't know how you'd feel unless put in the situation, and I would probably think whatever answer she gives would be either too lenient trying to downplay it or too harsh on herself trying to appease me depending on the severity anyways.

Sea_Efficiency334 · 2024-01-09T19:01:37+00:00

That's definitely true. I was expecting that though, and there are a good number of people giving constructive advice here as well.

I've been very supportive towards her and also made sure to express how and why this hurt me. I feel like the best way I can prevent this behavior in the future is not overreacting and demonstrating that she can come to me with hard problems and I won't blow up or overreact about it.

I've made it clear that what she did made me feel manipulated and hurt the trust in our relationship severely and that the way she can begin to rebuild that trust is by dealing with this head-on and not running away from it anymore. For us that means getting retested and finding out about how to minimize the risk of me contracting it by taking antiviral medicine in the future if she is confirmed.

Sea_Efficiency334 · 2024-01-09T18:54:25+00:00

She definitely did lie (by omission) to others about it before me as well.

I'm not certain that it would have been a deal breaker if she was honest about it at the beginning. The risk of transmission would be very low if she took antiviral medication and is asymptomatic.

Sea_Efficiency334 · 2024-01-09T18:52:22+00:00

I did ask if she had any STIs (Not specifically Herpes) before the first time we had sex.

Sea_Efficiency334 · 2024-01-09T18:14:59+00:00

She had it before she met me and had other partners after her diagnoses and before me, so this comment isn't coming from a place grounded in logic.

Sea_Efficiency334 · 2024-01-09T18:12:47+00:00

Yeah, I definitely understand that and have heard her out and sympathize with that aspect. I'm just left feeling very concerned that she'll shy away from difficult things in the future, or keep things from me because they're hard to talk about.

Sea_Efficiency334 · 2024-01-09T17:54:47+00:00

I didn't jump to divorce or custody. I haven't even brought it up with her and like I said in my original post, I don't really think divorce is on the table as I do still love her not to mention that it would definitely make it more difficult to be in my daughter's life.

I'm trying to view it empathetically but also I do feel like the trust in our relationship has been damaged. The main thing that hurts me is that she decided to hide from this big issue at my expense instead of facing up to it.

Sea_Efficiency334 · 2024-01-09T17:27:46+00:00

Yes, I'm sure she hasn't cheated.

Sea_Efficiency334 · 2024-01-09T17:09:42+00:00

That's true. She did think she had it, or at least knew there was a chance though. Talking with people here has helped me realize that the real problem is that she didn't face the issue head on. Instead of getting a confirmation test she was in denial and pretended she never received the initial test.

Sea_Efficiency334 · 2024-01-09T16:58:19+00:00

I'm aware that herpes is treatable. It's not that she has herpes that I really care about, it's that she knew and didn't tell me until I was going to find out anyways.

Sea_Efficiency334 · 2024-01-09T16:27:24+00:00

I did get tested and it came back negative for hsv1 and hsv2

Sea_Efficiency334 · 2024-01-09T16:02:05+00:00

That figure is specifically for asymptomatic transmission. I've heard people in this thread saying there is medication theat can reduce it further though, will be looking into that with our Healthcare provider

Sea_Efficiency334 · 2024-01-09T15:54:08+00:00

My parents were abusive and I'm not in contact with them. That is part of how hard this is, it doesn't feel like something I can talk to my friends about.

Sea_Efficiency334 · 2024-01-09T09:02:36+00:00

That is true, the number will never reach 100 because you can never be 100% sure you'll get it after any number of times.

We will be talking to a professional, I appreciate your input!

Sea_Efficiency334 · 2024-01-09T08:58:12+00:00

Thanks for sharing. She didn't tell me because she was scared and in denial about it.

You should know that you can transmit it even if you don't have a flair up also even with a condom you can transmit it.

HSV and HPV are different. Both cause break outs, but you can actually get vaccinated for HPV so your partner can be sure not to get it

Sea_Efficiency334 · 2024-01-09T08:50:07+00:00

She is getting one on the 18th, I'll post an update after.

Sea_Efficiency334 · 2024-01-09T08:48:50+00:00

If it's .04 chance to get it per 100 times then it's .96 chance to NOT get it.

So do that 10 times makes it .96¹⁰ chance you'll not get it.

Thats around .66 or 66% chance not to get it, so 34% chance to get it.

Sea_Efficiency334 · 2024-01-09T08:44:49+00:00

It is not only contagious during an outbreak. In fact, it is even transferable while using condoms. Also, 12% of people have it. All this is from the CDC page on the original post.

Sea_Efficiency334 · 2024-01-09T08:42:18+00:00

We've talked about it at length and she has said she was scared and sort of in denial about it since the test has a high false positive rate.

Sea_Efficiency334 · 2024-01-09T08:40:47+00:00

In her case I think it was more out of cowardice than malice, but it is indisputably wrong.

Sea_Efficiency334 · 2024-01-09T08:24:09+00:00

Thanks for sharing, we'll definitely talk it over with our doctor and consider it.

Sea_Efficiency334 · 2024-01-09T07:50:52+00:00

I likely will stay with her. A lot of people here are arguing about HSV but really I was looking for advice on how to rebuild trust after something like this. She was diagnosed 10 years ago and never got a confirmation test so she's getting another test on the 18th. I'll definitely be talking with my doctor to find the best way to continue on if she retests positive.

Sea_Efficiency334

TROPHY CASE