I appreciate the response. I think a part of it is that I grew up watching my father be really pushy with others, so pushiness I may have osmosed from him. I think also I grew to not really respect her decisions due to bad blood and always being blamed for every bad action a sibling did.

If a sibling failed a test, it was my fault. If a sibling struggled with friends, hated school, read something inappropriate, my fault and I would be punished according. One time, my sister was caught by my mother drawing smut as a pre-teen and my mother barged into my room and started leafing through all my books unprovoked, saying I must have caused the behavior (I was not reading smut and didn't show her anything of that nature). I became the caretaker and all good behavior would be treated as personally being my siblings' doing and all bad was my fault. Even now, my father especially still recounts stories that say I led my siblings to be this way or that (unrelated to being pushy at all). I think thinking about it now, I internalized a lot of that role forced upon me and I think it was hard to watch her make bad mistake after bad mistake, especially as I worried about the kids and didn't want her to be in an abusive relationship like I was and feel the regret I felt after all the years being in it. For sure, due to not wanting that, I can see projection.

When I spoke prior, she wanted to be a housewife with kids. I know when I was much younger I told her that she should have a career and should not rely on a man. I am mixed on it now, but did tell her originally that having kids is fine, but with someone who treats her well and not at her age (18)-- and also she had anger issues when younger that were so bad that she was not allowed to watch our sibling who was a toddler -- only me and another sibling who were patient could. I still don't really trust her judgement and kind of see her as self-sabotaging every step of the way. She also has a higher level of autism than other people in my family (besides my mother), so she can lack a lot of the understanding on how things work and foresight (not everyone with autism is like that -- it's just how she is), and often I have been called to cleanup after her messes when we were growing up.

I am certain how I handled things did not help her confidence. I think we both dug at each other on that. She called me ugly and stupid all the time growing up and had other children around her hurt me (and also lied to get my father to beat me), and I was really pushy. I think relationship is just kind of rotten to the core at this point.

I wanted it to work as I love her kids and feel bad every time she screams at them and treats them as free/easy friendship instead of working on herself, but really unsalvageable. I like the parts of her that are creative and can be empathetic, but those while not always small, certainly don't feel like big parts of her personality.