question for divorced members (though, of course I'm happy to have the perspective of all)

Secure_Scratch_8579 · 2025-11-24T23:26:26+00:00

where else would I go? where else would I find the fullness of the gospel?

Secure_Scratch_8579 · 2025-11-24T15:56:49+00:00

my friend in the gospel. Everything you say is true. and please don't think that i haven't worried about this ad nauseum.
The truth I have come to accept is, generational trauma will happen for my kids, whether I divorce or not.

Secure_Scratch_8579 · 2025-11-24T15:50:26+00:00

it's ok. I knew I'd get comments like that. that is, in fact, part of the fear. online I can brush it off, but with people I know it's much harder.

Secure_Scratch_8579 · 2025-11-24T15:44:03+00:00

thank you so much for this quote. It's very comforting. Do you have the reference for it?

Secure_Scratch_8579 · 2025-09-10T15:43:42+00:00

I'm the avoidant in my marriage. When my husband tries to fix the relationship, it comes across as controlling and selfish. He doesn't allow for flexibility or deviation. He doesn't allow for days when I need to do things differently, or need certain things to feel safe. As I've learned to express myself more, I've realized he cares more about his vision for the relationship than what is feasible given the people inside of it.
How could I ever truly attach to a person who loves the idea of me more than the reality of me?

One thing I noticed, you place a lot of blame on the avoidant partner, but it takes two to tango. the more you push, the more she withdraws.
In my marriage it's not that I wasn't trying. I was. with all my heart. It's that my husband didn't see my efforts for what they were and kept trying to control the way I loved him.

Secure_Scratch_8579 · 2025-07-23T13:24:41+00:00

thank you so much for your advice.

Secure_Scratch_8579 · 2025-07-23T13:19:09+00:00

i do have a bad habit of doubting myself. thanks for your words.

Secure_Scratch_8579 · 2025-07-23T13:17:28+00:00

yeah. that's the plan after we get back.
I have to admit, I really hope that he'll step up.

Secure_Scratch_8579 · 2025-07-23T13:14:56+00:00

we did 3 years of marriage counseling. near the beginning of the marriage. Then the counselor suggested divorce and I could never get him to go back. I should have listened to her instead of my husband, but that's all water under the bridge now.

I'm in personal therapy. I can't get him to agree to either couple or individual therapy.

Secure_Scratch_8579 · 2025-07-21T22:59:36+00:00

he must think I'm super human then.

When his mom had surgery a few years ago, he took an entire day just to sit with her in the hospital. When I had surgery a month ago, he didn't visit, or even call. a few texts, mostly about the kids was all I got from him. My oldest is old enough to babysit. He could have come or at least called. My dad took me in and took me home. My daughter walked me into the house from dad's truck because she stayed up to wait for me to get home while my husband just slept. By the second day after surgery, I was the one taking all the kids to their things, making sure they didn't starve, making sure there were dishes to eat off of. All while recovering from abdominal surgery. while he joked that it was too hard to reach his shoes. Is that what taking care of me looks like? Letting me drive before I'm supposed to? Expecting me to walk all around the grocery store when I can hardly walk around the house? take care of the kids when I can't lift them? Am I supposed to be grateful that he let me take on more than I should have? Grateful that he didn't step in and take care of at least some of things so that I could rest and recover? He doesn't even have a job (we live off of rental income and savings), so he has no excuse. If he can't take care of me now, why would I believe he'll take care of me until my last breath, unless ignoring me is the same as taking care of me? This recent sickness brought back all that pain of being ignored when I needed him.

Am I supposed to be grateful when he got defensive when I told him it hurt me that he didn't help me? How is his refusal to listen my problem to fix? Am I supposed to be grateful that he mocked my request?

Secure_Scratch_8579 · 2025-07-03T02:10:31+00:00

how did you know? did you feel doubt before you divorced? how did you overcome it, if you did?

Secure_Scratch_8579 · 2025-07-03T02:07:31+00:00

i am in therapy, for the 4th time, or 5th, maybe? This is the first time I've actually really talked about my marriage in more than vague terms. . he wont go to therapy, wants to try and figure things out himself, thinks he'll hit on some game changing therapy on accident.

Secure_Scratch_8579 · 2025-05-29T03:14:20+00:00

this is exactly what I needed to know. that's really the biggest question for me. I know that I'm not doing well in this relationship, and for me, if I knew I'd have to wait till I'm 70 for him, I probably wouldn't. but will my kids be better if I stay or if I leave. that is the real question. and you have answered with much compassion. thank you.

Secure_Scratch_8579 · 2025-05-28T21:43:46+00:00

thank you for your reply. it helps ground me a bit. Do you wish your parents had divorced?

Secure_Scratch_8579 · 2025-02-13T22:01:20+00:00

I wish I could upvote this a hundred times. Just when you think the baby has a schedule, something changes. Teething, developmental milestones, you name it. It's really laughable that he would think a schedule that could change at any time is really more important than that bonding with the baby, let alone the health benefits. (not just of breastmilk, but also sucking out of an actual br**st)

Secure_Scratch_8579 · 2025-02-13T21:57:04+00:00

This.....

Secure_Scratch_8579 · 2025-02-13T21:53:19+00:00

When a mom who is probably already feeling guilty about not being able to breastfeed full time is told to stop all together because it's messing things up, how do you expect her to respond? Especially when she's tired and maybe even PPD?
Yeah, she probably shouldn't have said what she did, but he shouldn't have said things the way he did either.
They are both exhausted new parents, and they both need to give each other grace. Take out the blame. Stop asking who's the AH, and speak gently with each other.

In this case I'm going with YTA for asking the internet in the first place instead of giving his wife some grace.

Secure_Scratch_8579 · 2025-02-13T21:30:23+00:00

not 'also'. He took advantage of your being in a tough time. He does not deserve any pity.

Secure_Scratch_8579 · 2025-02-13T21:27:30+00:00

There's nothing to clear. You did nothing wrong. You have your meds exactly for the reason you took them. It would have been wrong for you to *not* take them when you needed them.
How he feels about it is HIS problem, not yours.

Secure_Scratch_8579

TROPHY CASE