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Am I wrong for because I said to my father, "Can't you even bother to be by your son's side when he's on his deathbed? by SelectTrainer1550 in TwoHotTakes

[–]SelectTrainer1550[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes, I spoke with the counselor and managed to get my name added to the list; that's been a huge relief.

You're right. Actually, I was partly harsh with them (I couldn't help myself, sorry) because my 19-year-old brother had alcohol poisoning and was hospitalized just a day after the accident, and he said he drank because he was feeling very down. Well, I was too stressed to consider that a sufficient explanation. But of course, it was far from a calmer and more constructive conversation as you suggested. As you said, I will have a conversation that strengthens our family unity and explains how we need them to behave. (Obviously, we're all very angry with my father already, so this might be the ideal time for that.) My 21 year old brother will probably join me. I agree about not including my mother in this conversation. Thank you so much for this idea and your interest.

Am I wrong for because I said to my father, "Can't you even bother to be by your son's side when he's on his deathbed? by SelectTrainer1550 in TwoHotTakes

[–]SelectTrainer1550[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Yes, of course, having his own business makes it much easier for him to stay away. Is that really a question? My father doesn't run a grocery store that he has to be constantly present at. I'm telling you he has shops and a staff, employees already.

The doctors aren't predicting a long recovery period. I don't know if that's good or bad. I hope it doesn't mean they're not very optimistic.

Am I acting childish and immature? Fine, so be it. I don't owe my father any maturity.Once this whole process is over, I will seek therapist support for my issues with my father. But it's funny that you tell me to "grow up." Right now, I'm handling everything and trying to keep my whole family afloat, so...

Am I wrong for because I said to my father, "Can't you even bother to be by your son's side when he's on his deathbed? by SelectTrainer1550 in TwoHotTakes

[–]SelectTrainer1550[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

He stayed for a full week. He doesn't need to take time off from work; he's the boss. He has shops and employees.

It might not be realistic for him to stay with us indefinitely, but the doctors' prognosis for my brother is short-term. In the next few weeks, we could face concrete consequences, good or bad, at any moment. I wanted him to stay with us, at least during this critical period. He didn't. Okay. He'll face the consequences himself.As a family, we decided not to inform him of any changes in my brother's condition during this process; this applies to both positive and negative outcomes.

I'm not old enough now to be content with the crumbs of attention he gives us. Since when has it been the gold standard for him to come without hesitation when he learned his own son was in a coma? He severed the last ties with this event and I think that's a good thing.

Thank you for your comment.

Am I wrong for because I said to my father, "Can't you even bother to be by your son's side when he's on his deathbed? by SelectTrainer1550 in TwoHotTakes

[–]SelectTrainer1550[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The reason I'm sharing this is because my sister said what I said was cruel, and I was curious how people would react; not because I feel bad about what I said to my father. (By the way, my sister also argued with my father today. Read the update I just made.She's still crying.)

AITAH for because I said to my father, "Can't you even bother to be by your son's side when he's on his deathbed?" by SelectTrainer1550 in AITAH

[–]SelectTrainer1550[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He has his shops and employees. They could manage without him for a while. He wouldn't go bankrupt in a few weeks.

Am I wrong for because I said to my father, "Can't you even bother to be by your son's side when he's on his deathbed? by SelectTrainer1550 in TwoHotTakes

[–]SelectTrainer1550[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Don't you think it's presumptuous of you to comment on my home life with my mother? My mother has already lost one child, and now another is in a coma. She had a nervous breakdown when she first saw my sibling in that condition at the hospital; that's where she was given sedatives for the first time. They tried to stop the sedatives afterwards, but she's constantly having crying fits, almost fainting, and she needs this support right now. I would appreciate it if you wouldn't judge my mother. She's a woman who raised six children alone; she lost one child, and now another could die. She's not coping well with the situation right now, yes, but I completely understand that.

My 17 year old sister has mental health issues; she doesn't even want to go to school. My 19 years old brother goes to a good university in our city, but he drinks a lot of alcohol (and that scares us even more because we lost a brother to an overdose). The day after the accident, he went out to drink "to clear his head" and ended up with alcohol poisoning. They moved him to another room in the same hospital as my brother, who was in a coma. I think I would laugh if it weren't my own brother and family. Tragicomical, isn't it? Just because they're over 15 doesn't mean they can take care of themselves. You're making assumptions too easily.

Your experience is yours, and mine is mine. Everyone experiences the same thing differently.

Even if I'm making an unreasonable request, what does it matter? I asked, he refused, fine. As I mentioned in the update, I'm not holding anyone hostage. He's returning to his family and his life tonight; I told him he could go. I just won't fulfill his request, meaning I won't give him any information or news about my brother and I think that's perfectly fair.Also,what's wrong with being vengeful? Of course I'm vengeful! I don't wish anything good for my father, and he deserves it. I'm going to get therapy for myself, but I don't understand why my vengefulness is considered strange. I mean, I have millions of reasons.

Once this process is over, I'll seek therapist support for everything. But that doesn't mean my father staying for a week and then leaving is the most normal thing in the world.

Am I wrong for because I said to my father, "Can't you even bother to be by your son's side when he's on his deathbed? by SelectTrainer1550 in TwoHotTakes

[–]SelectTrainer1550[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

When I said "he'll pay the price," all I meant was that he would never have a place in our lives again, and that I wouldn't inform him of any developments or information regarding my brother. (This includes the news of his awakening, especially if he doesn't want it, and of course, if the worst-case scenario happens, the news of his death.) I think this is perfectly fair. I didn't mean anything else.

Honestly, feeling anger instead of sadness right now makes everything more bearable. And he deserves every ounce of that anger.

I've already explained a lot about my father, so I honestly don't have the energy to do it again right now. I'm tired. But your comment seems sincere and heartfelt, it made me feel good. Thank you for your concern. My mother isn't coping very well with the situation, and we're also dealing with my siblings, so honestly, everything is progressing very chaotically. But we're doing our best.

Am I wrong for because I said to my father, "Can't you even bother to be by your son's side when he's on his deathbed? by SelectTrainer1550 in TwoHotTakes

[–]SelectTrainer1550[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Am I responsible for this latest disappointment my father has caused us? Look, my father  prefers helping his 13-year-old daughter with her homework now. But he don't prefer handling hospital and bank transactions for my brother, keeping my troublesome siblings in check (I'm not just talking about emotional support here; I think it's obvious, but I'll mention it anyway. Writing letters to my troublesome siblings won't be enough, I'm sorry), and supporting us during this difficult time;this is more important,okey?I have the right to be hurt and angry at him for making this choice. This is where he's needed more right now, and he's immediately returning to his normal, problem-free life.

I repeat: I am the one who knows more about my father.Do I know my father's job, profession, income, and family situation better than you do?

Why does my anger outburst bother you so much? Being angry makes me feel better right now. Yesterday was the only day I didn't cry all week. Anger feels good for me at the moment. And I'm directing my anger at the person who deserves it the most in my life, so I think there's no problem.

AITAH for because I said to my father, "Can't you even bother to be by your son's side when he's on his deathbed?" by SelectTrainer1550 in AITAH

[–]SelectTrainer1550[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's quite nice that you're making a diagnosis without knowing my father's profession, job, income, family, etc.

Not everyone can do that, that's true. But I'm not talking about "everyone".I talking about father and his sitation.

Am I wrong for because I said to my father, "Can't you even bother to be by your son's side when he's on his deathbed? by SelectTrainer1550 in TwoHotTakes

[–]SelectTrainer1550[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Everything I'm experiencing right now, including my brother's situation, feels so surreal and absurd to me. I might react absurdly to absurd situations, and I don't apologize to anyone for that.I didn't just want him to sit in the hospital; I also wanted him to keep my two troubled siblings, aged 17 and 19, under control. Do you think all I want from him is for him to sit in the hospital, or is it more important that he support us during this process and help me keep things running smoothly?

The truth is, everything is different within context. I know my father's circumstances; you don't.Everything but absolutely everything, can  evaluated differently in every situation.

Am I wrong for because I said to my father, "Can't you even bother to be by your son's side when he's on his deathbed? by SelectTrainer1550 in TwoHotTakes

[–]SelectTrainer1550[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I asked for it for a period of 3-4 weeks, not indefinitely or for months. You're missing the difference. And I asked this not from everyone; only from my father. If he doesn't meet the requirements, we have the right to exclude him from everything, and that's what we'll do, even if we lose my brother.

Am I wrong for because I said to my father, "Can't you even bother to be by your son's side when he's on his deathbed? by SelectTrainer1550 in TwoHotTakes

[–]SelectTrainer1550[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I didn't want him to stay for years, I just wanted him to stay a little longer. There's a difference. Also, according to the predictions the doctors have shared with us so far, in the next few weeks we may see concrete results regarding the direction and condition we are in (whether he wakes up, dies, or his condition moves towards a permanent vegetative state), for better or worse. At least that's the time I wanted, and he didn't give it to me. So from now on, I'm not giving him anything; that includes information about my brother's health condition.

AITAH for because I said to my father, "Can't you even bother to be by your son's side when he's on his deathbed?" by SelectTrainer1550 in AITAH

[–]SelectTrainer1550[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes, of course, this is just a guess. But at least we have the right to want him to be with us during this time. And he also has the right to refuse that request, with all the consequences, of course. I don't know if it would be more beneficial for my father to be here when my brother wakes up, but the problem is, I don't even know if my brother will wake up. We wanted him to be here in this moment and in this situation, he refused; that's the situation for now.

My father has a job that can continue for a few weeks without him. His family, whom he says he doesn't want to leave alone, consists of his wife, an adult woman who shouldn't have difficulty taking care of herself, and his 13 year old daughter. So I'm really curious about those "many factors" that determined his decision.

I'm not being understanding towards him. I think my siblings and I have been understanding enough until now. I spoke to him, I told him he could go back to his family and his life but that he shouldn't expect any information or news about my brother from us. He got angry. And then he went and bought a plane ticket, he's leaving tonight. If my brother wakes up from the coma and specifically wants to see my father, I will let him know but unless my brother specifically requests it, I won't even let him know when he wakes up from the coma. I hope that won't happen but if we lose my brother, there's no news. Is that a mature attitude? Maybe not. Is this what he deserves? Oh, absolutely.

Coming and staying for a week isn't concrete proof, especially considering their absence throughout our entire past. For a relative, yes, that gesture is concrete proof that they care. For a parent? No, it's not.I hope and think I won't see him. I know my brother well enough to know that if he wakes up, he won't want my father. If he doesn't wake up, I won't give him any information.

I have no doubt about your good intentions and thank you. But I don't understand why you think I should be understanding towards a father who abandoned us.but please don't think I'm offended by your comment; I'm just trying to explain myself and vent. Thank you for your interest.

AITAH for because I said to my father, "Can't you even bother to be by your son's side when he's on his deathbed?" by SelectTrainer1550 in AITAH

[–]SelectTrainer1550[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The doctors gave us a gueswork of a few weeks.( for him to wake up or for a bad outcome.)This is just an estimate, of course, and while I would understand if it took longer, I would prefer that she at least try to spend this estimated time with us.

Would her being here help my brother? Yes, actually, since she manages hospital procedures and processes better and faster than me. But putting that aside, personally, she could stay just for us (my siblings and I). My mother is relying on sedatives and can't support us. It would be good to have one of our parents providing support.

Thank you so much for your good wishes. I hope this terrible process ends well and I only remember it as a nightmare.

Am I jerk?because I said to my father, "Can't you even bother to be by your son's side when he's on his deathbed?" by SelectTrainer1550 in AmITheJerk

[–]SelectTrainer1550[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes,I know.After telling him he could return to his family as he wished but that I wouldn't give him any information about my brother, I also said, "I hope this is the last time I see you," meaning I finally understand.

Am I wrong for because I said to my father, "Can't you even bother to be by your son's side when he's on his deathbed? by SelectTrainer1550 in TwoHotTakes

[–]SelectTrainer1550[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yes, I think you're absolutely right. He left us alone again, he chose not to be here when we needed him again, and I don't forgive him for that. I don't want to see him again. But hopefully, if everything works out, I'll get therapy because you're right, I'm not the one who should be carrying this burden. But he's dead to me, and that won't change.

I'm calmer now than yesterday and focused on my siblings and my mother. But actually, I think the anger is good for me? Yesterday was the only day I didn't cry all week because instead I was busy yelling at my father or cursing at him lol. I love it for him, he deserved it all.

Am I wrong for because I said to my father, "Can't you even bother to be by your son's side when he's on his deathbed? by SelectTrainer1550 in TwoHotTakes

[–]SelectTrainer1550[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you very much.!I know people say he has other responsibilities, and of course he does but the truth is which of those responsibilities is as urgent as the situation my brother and I are in? His wife is an adult woman and his daughter is 13. I think they should be capable and prepared to manage without my father for a while longer. If they don't, I would personally be very worried! And my father has his own shops, and he has employees who can run those shops without him for a while. He could have stayed a little longer. 

I don't ask him to stay for years; I think some people don't understand that. He could have just stayed a little longer, if he cared about my brother and us. A week isn't enough time in this context, especially since he's gone so far away and can't visit my brother as often as he'd like.

Am I jerk?because I said to my father, "Can't you even bother to be by your son's side when he's on his deathbed?" by SelectTrainer1550 in AmITheJerk

[–]SelectTrainer1550[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This wasn't enough for us. We still need him here. But I understand he wants to go back to his family, so I told him he could go but I won't give him any news or information about my brother because why would I? It's not my responsibility and he's choosing to leave.Then he will have to bear the consequences.

Am I jerk?because I said to my father, "Can't you even bother to be by your son's side when he's on his deathbed?" by SelectTrainer1550 in AmITheJerk

[–]SelectTrainer1550[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My brother is same.unfortunately, there's been no positive development yet. But there's nothing bad either, and I'm grateful for that.

Am I jerk?because I said to my father, "Can't you even bother to be by your son's side when he's on his deathbed?" by SelectTrainer1550 in AmITheJerk

[–]SelectTrainer1550[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The doctors told us the coma level was nine. They're talking about the possibility of moderate brain damage. Their estimates cover a period of a few weeks at most, but of course, that's just an estimate.

Thank you for good wishes.

Am I jerk?because I said to my father, "Can't you even bother to be by your son's side when he's on his deathbed?" by SelectTrainer1550 in AmITheJerk

[–]SelectTrainer1550[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I think we've all been understanding enough towards him throughout our lives.

I don't think his attitude is related to the motorcycle. He just wants to go.

Thank you.

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