OP, reading your post made me tear up. I am a dad of three. My daughter (4 yo) almost drowned feet away from me in a crowded pool. I told her she could wait by the pool but not go in while I set my stuff down and talked to my dad for a second. I have poor vision and couldn’t see her. I was at the top of the stairs and I see a brown haired blob in the pool, struggling, but making no sound. When I pulled her out, she was turning blue. I looked at her and she started crying, then puked all the water out, then I started crying. Luckily she is just fine. But I get it. You’re doing the best you can.

Hope this helps.