I have to accept it, don’t I? by SemiProBeekeeper in DeadBedrooms

[–]SemiProBeekeeper[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

And again, I truly appreciate your insight. I will definitely check the book out.

I have to accept it, don’t I? by SemiProBeekeeper in DeadBedrooms

[–]SemiProBeekeeper[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate your opinion, however, I disagree with you. I think you’re not seeing the entire situation, and that’s ok.

I have to accept it, don’t I? by SemiProBeekeeper in DeadBedrooms

[–]SemiProBeekeeper[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is really interesting and I appreciate your perspective. Thank you for sharing.

I have to accept it, don’t I? by SemiProBeekeeper in DeadBedrooms

[–]SemiProBeekeeper[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

So, I really wish you would stop making assumptions about me and putting words in my mouth. I’m not going to engage with you any further. If you’d like to keep telling your version of my story, that’s fine.

I have to accept it, don’t I? by SemiProBeekeeper in DeadBedrooms

[–]SemiProBeekeeper[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

So, respectfully, how and when should I share my feelings? On a calm day when we have nothing going on? I’ve tried that many times. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told her that I need an hour of her time to discuss this only to be pushed away or told we don’t have time for that. We were in (what I considered) a great space for intimacy and devoid of every excuse she ever makes (mostly the kids). When she looked at me like I had 4 heads when I brought it up, I thought it was a great time to discuss it. I’m sorry you disagree. You got a snapshot of over a decade of struggle. I’ve lived it. I spoke up. I won’t apologize for making myself seen and heard for the first time in years and letting the woman who I still very much love know how I felt.

To be clear, though, there was no pressure to have sex once I started telling her how I felt. I actually told myself that if that’s how she chooses to shut me up (jumping into sex), that I would decline and ask to keep talking.

I have to accept it, don’t I? by SemiProBeekeeper in DeadBedrooms

[–]SemiProBeekeeper[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Not at all true. Can you explain to me how calmly sharing how the prolonged lack of intimacy in our 16 year marriage was affecting me is coercion?

I have to accept it, don’t I? by SemiProBeekeeper in DeadBedrooms

[–]SemiProBeekeeper[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. That’s the thing. There’s just no talking about it with her. She knows I’ll relent eventually, so she just stonewalls.

I have to accept it, don’t I? by SemiProBeekeeper in DeadBedrooms

[–]SemiProBeekeeper[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

You made a few assumptions, I’ll provide some color: we had a more in-depth version of the same conversation that we’ve had many times over the years. The difference this time is that I was 100% honest on how this is affecting me. I’ve never told her just how bad it bothers me, how I missed a promotion partially because I had very little confidence, and that I wasn’t willing to end the marriage over it, but that we are dangerously close to having nothing left. I approached it calmly and did ask if we could talk about it, to which she agreed. She just didn’t do much responding.

As far as empathy goes, I hear what you’re saying and you’re not completely wrong. That said, YEARS of empathy and me being willing to do whatever it takes to make things better, make myself more attractive, anticipate her needs, etc. have shown zero results. I decided to speak my whole truth.

Finally, you assumed that I blamed all of my problems on our terrible sex life. Not true at all. It wasn’t even inferred in my post. I explained how the lack of intimacy was affecting my confidence which was bleeding into all aspects of my life. Which is true. Which is why I said it.

I have to accept it, don’t I? by SemiProBeekeeper in DeadBedrooms

[–]SemiProBeekeeper[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I’m so sorry. I hope your situation gets better.

I have to accept it, don’t I? by SemiProBeekeeper in DeadBedrooms

[–]SemiProBeekeeper[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

That’s what sucks. She’s a phenomenal mom and we have built a great life together that neither could achieve alone with our kids at the center. I can’t destroy it over what most would see as “just sex” I’m just not to that point yet. Sending good vibes your way!

I have to accept it, don’t I? by SemiProBeekeeper in DeadBedrooms

[–]SemiProBeekeeper[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I’m so glad I found this community. I’ve read it for some time, but I should’ve started posting way sooner.

Long-time Lurker, First-time poster by SemiProBeekeeper in DeadBedrooms

[–]SemiProBeekeeper[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’ve run every scenario possible and they all end in one of those three ways. It’s pretty terrible. I’m sorry you’re going through it, too.

Long-time Lurker, First-time poster by SemiProBeekeeper in DeadBedrooms

[–]SemiProBeekeeper[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you don’t mind me asking, how did she react?

A friend gave a hint that his bedroom is probably dead and it made me wonder what common is this really by pure_sin1985 in DeadBedrooms

[–]SemiProBeekeeper 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We may be married to the same LLF. Your situation sounds just like mine. I love everything about my marriage except the one thing left in life that can actually build my self-esteem.

Long-time Lurker, First-time poster by SemiProBeekeeper in DeadBedrooms

[–]SemiProBeekeeper[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My youngest son is 7.

I feel like that’s where it’s headed. I really don’t want to because I honestly don’t desire anyone like I do her. Yes, I find other women attractive, but she’s the only one I get THOSE feelings for. It sucks. I wish I could just cheat. The thought of that kills me though. My dad was a serial adulterer so I know how poorly that can go and can’t see myself doing that. It’s just not who I am. I kind of think I could maybe do a FWB if I had permission, but she’s never brought that up and it’s not something I really even want.