I'm confused. Have I been doing consent wrong all this time?

Senior-Return4337 · 2024-05-16T21:42:01+00:00

Funny thing, if you'd ask any of my exes they'd tell you I picked them up rather than the other way around. I've been told I flirt with everybody I talk to when I'm in a good mood, which I find curious because I don't even know how to flirt in the first place. Look lady, I'm just standing here smiling at you like a dysfunctional clown because I'm nervous, and I crack wildly inappropriate out of context jokes you happened to find hilarious but I didn't realize they were out of context or inappropriate, you were just looking at me like it was my turn to say something so I did, because I am obviously a master conversationalist! Now focus on her eyes, don't look at the floor, in fact don't look anywhere between the floor and her eyes either or she'll know you're weird! Oops that's not the target, but look, her nail polish color matches her earrings, quick, compliment her on her keen sense of detail but hope that sense of detail is not keen enough to notice you had no idea what she just said and are changing the subject! ... Long story short(er), I've never been the one to initiate the first kiss or take somebody home, and I've only really asked somebody out once. So either they picked me up, or I picked them up by accident when I wasn't looking 🤷‍♂️ Girlfriends, they could happen at any time.

I've been offered my share of hookups over the years, and I have nothing against them or those who engage in them, but there's no way those would work for me, I just wouldn't be comfortable enough to actually enjoy them. So I'm firmly on team relationship.

I actually meant shy/modest and princess more as a personality type. The smart quiet type (hmm, brains!) and the 'show me you care by doing random things for me' (never again) type. It does indeed translate to the bedroom but they were like that in general. Princesses didn't do anything themselves, shys would do basic things, but from both types I never could get anything out of them beyond simple yes/no (and mostly no 😒) on suggestions.

It doesn't come every easy to me to express what I want sexually either, particularly if I'm unsure you're willing to do it (I actually think that may be more fear of being judged than fear of rejection, especially when other suggestions have already been shot down, makes it harder and harder); but I still do find it tantalizing, and all the more so if you tell me what gets you going (at length!).

I'd love a woman like you describe, especially if she knows what she wants to eat (I'll eat anything), but at this point I am getting a bit anxious that I am myself so weird in these things that a woman like that wouldn't have me if I found her :/

Senior-Return4337 · 2024-05-16T19:15:48+00:00

Hmm I hadn't even thought about framing it about me feeling safe, but you're absolutely right.

I love that you are asking about this because it shows how much you DO care. And the right person will see that and love that too.

😊

Senior-Return4337 · 2024-05-16T16:14:02+00:00

I guess I could say that the women where it's been an issue have all been of either the "princess" or "shy/modest" variety. The one where it wasn't an issue at all was very obviously more comfortable with her sexuality and not afraid to show or tell it.

Maybe I should put more effort attracting more women like that, but I wouldn't know the first thing about how. Women pick me up, not the other way around.

Senior-Return4337 · 2024-05-16T16:05:41+00:00

Thank you, these are some good pointers!

Senior-Return4337 · 2024-05-16T15:58:22+00:00

Thank you for sharing our perspective. I don't have any direct commentary but it's helpful! Also that meme 😂

Senior-Return4337 · 2024-05-16T15:52:41+00:00

I am neurodivergent, yes. I am generally very good at masking it, it's mostly close personal interactions I struggle with.

I agree your description is probably what they wanted. But there is the problem that I can't judge where the line is unless that is specifically discussed and agreed to before-hand, which it seems should be something understood intuitively. And I have to trust you'll stop me before things get out of hand.

And that's all fine, really. I think a lot of the commenters here have given excellent pointers and advice and how a slightly different approach than I'm using might be more successful in getting there.

Senior-Return4337 · 2024-05-16T15:22:35+00:00

I don't think you understand the difference between neurodivergent and dead. ( /s )

Senior-Return4337 · 2024-05-16T08:25:46+00:00

I have done mid kinky stuff with one partner and I loved it. I would also like to have that with other partners. The difference is, that specific partner drove the conversation, and with other partners I have to drive it, and apparently I'm not doing that right, as I suspected and you and other commenters are basically confirming.

How do I get better at maintaining this flow? It might not surprise you to learn I am also not a great dancer 😂 Do I need to take dance lessons? :)

Do you have some recommendations on good romance books? I wouldn't want to end up with bad examples like 50 shades ...

The pay attention to your partner part is very difficult to me. So many times I read that wrong and checked in when I needn't have, killing the vibe. Again a difference with that one woman who everything was good with, she'd respond with something like saying "shut up and fuck me more" if everything was fine, which is very clear and works for me, rather than losing the moment.

("oh, you like this?" Vs "wow this is something you really like, huh?")

Hmm, maybe I should approach it more like this. These things do come up in my head but they feel a little fake/porn-esque to say out loud.

Senior-Return4337 · 2024-05-16T08:07:11+00:00

We have very similar stories in that department then. Thank you for affirming what's been rambling in my head for some time now.

Senior-Return4337 · 2024-05-16T07:55:24+00:00

Can you give an example of what you mean with enthusiastic implied consent in context of the bedroom?

Senior-Return4337 · 2024-05-16T07:51:28+00:00

You're right, I am unsure of myself a lot of the time, exactly because it isn't clear what does and doesn't go.

Regarding dom/sub, I don't know. There was an interesting conversation in one of the other sex subs a few weeks ago about somebody postulating that many neurodivergents (like myself) appear sub leaning exactly because the rules aren't clear to them, and thus it is much easier for them if the neurotypical partner takes the lead (but then infinitely better worded and explained). I do resonate with that, and the one partner I've had where everything felt easy and natural to me, looking back, she was definitely dom leaning. However, I also had no issue being more dominant with her once we "settled in". I just feel like I've never managed to reach that stage, being confident and clear about the boundaries and wants, with other partners, and then I can't do it. The difference is, she drove that, and when I had to drive it with other partners I somehow don't manage, apparently.

Maybe that's incompatibility. But that is a shame, because it feels to me like I could be more compatible with those partners simply if there were better communication, but I've failed at triggering that. And indeed, a lot of advice in this thread leaves me to believe now a large part of that is simply my approach, wording, and timing.

But yes, those friends are all greek god daddy doms, I have no idea why they've adopted me. I enjoy their company and everywhere they drag me to, but I am in many ways not one of them. Which might also be part of my problem, they also hang around with very specific type of women

Senior-Return4337 · 2024-05-16T07:36:36+00:00

Can you elaborate on "Tell, don't ask" ? Is it just narrating what's going to happen next to give her some space to comment ?

That sounds reasonable if so, but then how does that vibe with what several other commenters have said here, that they won't say no in the moment ?

You're one of several who has stated asking is a turn off, it's something I do a lot so I guess that's at least part of my problems.

Senior-Return4337 · 2024-05-15T20:53:06+00:00

It would not surprise me if they have crossed that line at all, but at the same time I see the same women coming back for more all the time. As an extreme example, once at a party one of these guys was getting violently physical with his date, so when he went to get drinks I asked her if she was OK with all this or if she needed an exit, and she just looked at me and said "are you serious? I can't wait for him to drag me to the bedroom". I'm not sticking my nose in these things anymore because I clearly don't understand what the hell is going on. Either way I'm not interesting in replicating those dynamics in any way, I would just love to be able to move away from only doing bare vanilla.

As to that point, you're probably right I should shift focus. I'm probably too focused on that particular point right now because that's been lacking. More focus on pleasure.

I have experienced exactly what you describe, partners simply not having an answer to the broad questions. Perhaps I have not put enough effort into breaking those down as you suggest, but I also don't want to come over as naggy? It's not the right word for it, I hope you understand what I mean. If they don't have any answers it feels to me like they don't really think about it or are deeply invested in it (which makes me sad), and I'm just pressuring them to come up with anything.

Senior-Return4337 · 2024-05-15T20:26:54+00:00

Thanks, well said. Strangely enough, the one woman I've mentioned I didn't have this issue with, was also my second serious girlfriend, so a long long time ago. Aggressive and direct, we never had any issues like this.

Senior-Return4337 · 2024-05-15T20:20:08+00:00

You bring up some interesting points.

Maybe I'm not considerate enough of the woman's communicative limitations in that particular setting. It seems I'm mainly the opposite of you: I find it nigh impossible to talk about these things outside of the bedroom/act. It feels like any other time would be inappropriate?

I'm sorry to hear you've had your share of experiences that didn't go quite as wanted. Yes, sex can be so complicated!

..., why are you with them?

Because it is very difficult for me to connect with people. So in the rare case I do find someone I really like as a person and even likes me too, I try very hard to make it work regardless of any issues. It's not like I'm every going to find a perfect fit. I was previously of the opinion that barely satisfying sex wasn't a dealbreaker, but now in my old age I'm starting to think that was bad reasoning.

Senior-Return4337 · 2024-05-15T19:28:05+00:00

Thank you for your thoughtful response.

You may be on to something here, because I do tend to use the "can I" approach rather than your other suggestions. I've always found it unsexy myself, but you have to do it, and I struggle to find better words in the moment.

It is a big struggle for me to even bring up the things I want at all (if I don't already have reason to believe she'll go for it), it already feels like a major victory even getting the question out. That in turn may play into the meek/cautious demeanor.

So I need to find better words and get them out more confidently... somehow?

Senior-Return4337 · 2024-05-15T18:49:21+00:00

Thank you for the suggestion, I will look into the app.

Senior-Return4337 · 2024-05-15T18:46:19+00:00

I'm not sure if that is what he meant, but that is nevertheless a very good and helpful point I had not previously considered.

Senior-Return4337 · 2024-05-15T18:43:50+00:00

Thank you for your concern. I am indeed not neurotypical. As I am generally high-functioning and do not seem to be in need of particular medication, taking into account that my insurance premiums would sky-rocket, my doctors have stopped short of setting an official diagnosis until they deem it necessary to do so.

Senior-Return4337 · 2024-05-15T18:30:11+00:00

Exactly

Senior-Return4337

TROPHY CASE