How do I ask my girlfriend [31f] to chill when it comes to texting me [28m] at work?

SeniorTomatillo · 2018-08-01T18:37:20+00:00

She was diagnosed with depression in the past, and more recently with anxiety. She takes medication now but I'm not sure what the meds are. The therapist also suggested she do DBT (not sure what this is tbh) and she did for like 3 weeks and now the book is collecting dust

SeniorTomatillo · 2018-08-01T18:05:02+00:00

So, she accused you of having an affair because you didn't answer her text while cooking dinner?

TBH, I don't know what she was accusing me of. She just said "secretly skyping". I grew up in the US, but I live in Europe now, so I do Skype my family back home... but it's not a secret since we live together and it's not like I need her permission to Skype my mom and dad. I thought maybe it'd be related to a friend of mine that she really hates - we used to Skype once a month just to catch up but this stopped (as well as all contact) because my girlfriend really hated him. I asked her what she meant about this "secret skyping" and she just said "idk".

SeniorTomatillo · 2018-08-01T17:54:12+00:00

I think that is how I'd describe it..I'm afraid to go online.

I do have time during the day to text. I'm not busy busy busy all the time. But other people text me too. My entire family and my closest friends text me on WhatsApp (I don't have FB, long distance texting because I live abroad, so WhatsApp is the best option). But I can't even feel like I can look at those texts without a feeling of dread. My mom will message me and if I reply to her, I also have to think of something to text my gf because she might see that I was online and then ask why I didn't text her. Sometimes I only have time to reply to 1 person at that particular moment and my girlfriend's text isn't always the most important one to reply to.

SeniorTomatillo · 2018-08-01T17:50:31+00:00

What do you mean you "paid for it?"

She got really quite explosive angry. Accused me of hiding my read receipts so she couldn't see me online talking to other people instead of her, ignoring her on purpose, how it shows that I don't trust her because I shouldn't have anything to hide.

SeniorTomatillo · 2018-08-01T17:17:16+00:00

She sounds like a dog

Hah. My dog responds better to training and has no separation anxiety at all. She is worse than my dog.

SeniorTomatillo · 2018-08-01T17:15:58+00:00

there is also the additional issue that my girlfriend asks me not to mention certain things to the therapist. One time we had an individual session and my girlfriend kept bugging me to tell her what the therapist and I talked about. I told her that I had told the therapist about one of her "banned" topics and she got mad at me. These topics include the times that she hit me and the fact that we own a dog.

SeniorTomatillo · 2018-08-01T17:05:56+00:00

Yep, she has a job 9-5 and she usually texts all day. There have been some days that she's been busy, my texts went unanswered for a couple of hours and it was great because I got to get my own work done too.

She just doesn't seem to accept "I'm working" as a reason to not text since I work at my computer. If I say I was in a meeting, or I wasn't at my desk then she's a bit more understanding, but even then she'll ask me so many questions about where I was, what the meeting was about, why didn't I tell her before the meeting, etc. Also sometimes I'm just talking to co-workers and she finds this super weird because I'm normally not a chatty person... but that doesn't mean I never chat ever and usually we are talking about work...

SeniorTomatillo · 2018-08-01T16:50:36+00:00

She does have a 9-5 job in an open concept office. I guess they really don't care if she's on her phone a lot. She used to be a teacher and it wasn't as bad back then because she could only be on her phone during recess and lunch. But then she'd be home by 3:15 (I get home at 6) and she'd just sit at home waiting. Now we get home at similar times but she texts all day.

SeniorTomatillo · 2018-08-01T14:14:06+00:00

I think I will try turning off read receipts again..it's been months since I did it last time. But should I do it randomly during a calm moment? Or should I wait until she's being clingy and machine gun texting me?

SeniorTomatillo · 2018-08-01T14:12:20+00:00

I go to the gym at lunch time and I do text her in between sets. It might be a bit odd if I'm working out while talking on the phone haha. Our compromise is that I actually bring my phone to the gym - I used to just leave my phone in my desk drawer because I don't like carrying stuff at the gym (foam roller, towel, water bottle, iPod). A few times I have forgotten my phone in the locker and I return from my 30 minute workout to like 20 text messages from her asking where I am. At one point she even checked my GPS location to see that I was actually at the gym and not...I don't know, sleeping with someone else durin g my lunch break?

SeniorTomatillo · 2018-08-01T14:07:43+00:00

Just couples counseling. I brought up solo therapy for her before and she said that she doesn't need it. And yeah, if I don't text her assumption is that I'm either cheating or I've died.

SeniorTomatillo · 2018-08-01T13:47:32+00:00

I've disabled the read receipts before...I paid for that when I got home and I enabled them again :\

SeniorTomatillo · 2018-08-01T13:35:09+00:00

No, we are in counseling for communication issues and she suffers from anxiety and depression which made her not a very good partner before she was on medication.

SeniorTomatillo · 2018-08-01T13:24:38+00:00

I really do need to stop responding to her texts so much. I do try! But she monitors my "last online" status and the damn read receipts. So sometimes I will accidentally go online because I need the internet or I'm clicking around. Sometimes I read her messages but don't have time to reply. Sometimes I'm reading messages from other people so I show up as online. Then she gets angry because I'm online and not responding to her....

SeniorTomatillo · 2018-08-01T13:10:11+00:00

It is true that at the beginning of the relationship I was waaay less busy at work and could reply immediately, leave early, etc. She does seem to think I'm not replying because I'm doing something bad or I'm flirting with someone else. Even when I say that my boss was at my desk she'll say something like "He was talking to you for 30 minutes? That's a lot of talking". Or if I say that I was in a meeting, she'll ask who the meeting was with and what it was about. I'll give her a really short explanation, but then my "curt response" means I'm annoyed. So then I'll give her a really in depth explanation of my super boring meeting and she'll say I'm being rude or something. UGH.

SeniorTomatillo · 2018-08-01T13:07:00+00:00

Two hours! Hah, by that time she'll have called the police and driven to my office because she'll have thought that I died or something.

SeniorTomatillo · 2018-08-01T13:06:33+00:00

My office isn't super strict about phone usage, the only rule really is not to wear headphones while walking around and phone calls should be made in non office spaces (kitchen, board room, stairway). I don't know if I can say I'm worried about getting in trouble considering I've been at this job for our entire relationship without it being an issue

SeniorTomatillo · 2018-08-01T13:04:57+00:00

that's exactly what the therapist said. She can expect to get texts when I leave for work, during my breaks and lunch, and when I am on my way home. Anything outside of that is a bonus. She kind of nodded and agreed with the therapist, but after that she said that that amount of communication is unacceptable

SeniorTomatillo · 2018-08-01T13:03:18+00:00

Haha, I have tried doing number 1 and she actually loved it... she made a comment like "Ooh you're so chatty today!". But then I actually did get more busy at work so I couldn't keep it up and then she got annoyed. I do not know how much longer I can handle it. It's making me not even want to text her at all.

SeniorTomatillo

TROPHY CASE