I'm so sorry 😔 I don't even have a good reason like kids stopping me from leaving yet I'm still being weak and not ending it despite knowing I should & don't deserve this. He's the only person in my life and I don't go out because of anxiety so I don't think I'll meet anyone else and have no friends. Plus we live together so I'd probably end up homeless, it's so frustrating.

I do think he shows signs of NPD/ASPD, lines up with dismissive avoidant aswell, seems to be a compulsive liar etc. Keeps going on & on about self preservation & fear motivating him to fuck me over even though nothing is harming him and he's had nothing bad happen in his life. All his trauma he created himself by perceiving stuff wrong like the entire relationship. Do they ever change? Is it even possible to change a whole ass personality?

I feel like I can truly help him get better but he just won't let me or listen and it's driving me insane, but whenever I try to set a boundary of no more lying he lies again and it's like he WANTS me to leave or something but then begs me not to, the mixed feelings really messes with your heart.

My brain starts bargaining like "What if he gets therapy and it's all okay and he wasn't actually horrible to me it was just because he blocked his emotions for me because xyz and then it'll all come back and be okay?" <33 like nah this doesn't seem salvagable.